[ Rad note » you are reading page 6 of 10. Page 5 is » here. ]
» The End of the Ride?
I have done this enough to know that .. as I move away from this thing .. my perspective changes. And you start to see the thing differently .. in a different light .. from a distance.
When you are all up inside of it .. you really have no perspective. You are so in-the-moment. [ Einstein said that space and time are really two different parts of the SAME THING. ] But this is where the writer must go .. in order to capture and convey these unspeakable things.
It is not an easy thing to describe .. but you have to go there. Looking in the window may cut it for some .. but a certain type of writing requires the writer to go there himself. And I will tell you .. that I was definitely feeling it. (Much of it I couldnt even write.)
But I know that, if I were to write this tomorrow, or the day after, or next week, or next month .. it would be a very different thing. And sometimes it is the immediacy of the thing .. that is what we really want .. what we really desire .. what we really need .. what we really crave. No?
It isnt until you are able to move away .. that you can see the thing with any kind of perspective.
And the thought I had today .. with my first glimpse of perspective .. where I saw the enormity of thing that was unleashed upon you .. an eyebrow-raising thing ..
But another voice quickly spoke up and said, "It's her own damn fault. Do not feel sorry for this girl. She knew better than to summon the kraken .. but she did it anyway. She knew exactly what she was doing. She has no excuse. [ pause for effect .. followed by a curiosity ] Why do these girls do such things? These silly girls. They know better and they do it anyway."
Do you think I still have it?
» Another Perspective (the Handle Appears)
See .. for months now, I could feel something inside walking a circular path around this thing .. this thing that spans the entire distance, the entire length .. from the divine to the physical. And for us humans here on planet earth .. the physical pretty much means » the flesh.
Ah, now the flesh .. here is something everybody knows much about. Something that everybody has plenty of first-hand experience with.
But how do I capture this thing around which I have been circling for quite some time. How do I begin to unravel this greasy baseball?
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••• today's entry continues here below •••
And I can see that this would be my most challenging project yet. But, on these very difficult projects .. the writer needs some kind of handle on it .. or you have no way of working it.
Anyway .. I had been circling this thing for some time .. years, actually .. but I could never get a handle on this thing.
But it keeps coming back. It keeps coming back to me. On its own. And the thought here is, "Dude, I can see what you're saying here .. and I am so flattered .. let me tell you. But my balls are not big enough for that. Not even close."
But it keeps returning to me. And every time it returns, my balls are a little bigger. Well, they're actually a lot bigger. (But I hate to brag.)
But existentially speaking [ you know about existential things ] .. this says to me .. that this thing thinks that my balls will be big enough some day. Which, to me, is a very flattering thing .. that you could even potentially wrap yourself around the likes of things that kill ordinary people.
Around the things people like Dostoevsky and Cormac wrap themselves. And I know that I am waxing somewhat abstract and metaphorical here, but that's intentional.
See .. to a degree, to a surprisingly large degree, life itself is a bridging of this gap .. between the divine and the physical.
If you listen to the way that KIerkegaard characterizes the Existential Problem .. you will get a better idea of what I am referring to here.
» The Thing I Have Been Searching for All My Life
But my point is .. then I saw you singing on SNL. And I immediately saw all the stars line up before me. And I hit the pause and starred off into nowhere and said, "You gotta be shittin' me." [ I'm not even sure who I was talking to .. maybe the writing gods. Or maybe I was talking to you. ]
Because I had just read, earlier that day, the sentence about how the existentialists saw dangerous things as good .. which had been working on me all afternoon in the strangest way.
» What (Provocative Thing) Spurs the Writer to Write?
See .. writing (at least, for me) is very much a dissatisfied thing. This is not the best way to describe what I am trying to convey .. but I will dial it in for you.
When everything is rosy and hunky dory .. there is not much to drive the writer to the write. (Unless you are feeling downright ecstatic, but these are relatively rare.)
Notice, for example, that it was Tolstoy's provocative side .. that "often spurred him to write."
The writer needs something to spur him. Most people who have been spurred would probably categorize the experience as a deeply "dissatisfying" thing.
I dont want to say that writing is a neurotic thing, but often it is. (Or, at least, it feels that way.)
This shit fascinates me. How does nothing become something .. right before your very eyes?
The creative act. (There are a few creatives acts that I would like to explore with you. More than a few, actually.)
The kraken says that he wants one of those creative acts. "Sign me up, dawg." .. I heard him call out.
He kinda doesnt know his own strength, so he ends up breaking things. So I just ignore him most of the time .. until he gets too strong for me to tackle. And once he gets away .. there's no getting him back.
» This Thing Would Not Leave Me Alone
My point is that .. this stupid, little nothing sentence from the author had left me feeling very dissatisfied, even unsettled .. not far from feeling downright disturbed. Let me be more specific.
The author says that the people in the underground Parisian jazz clubs following the war considered everything that was dangerous and provocative as good.
But I do not think that any one of these people actually came right out and declared, "Everything dangerous and provocative is good." No.
I know what the author is saying, but she is interpreting their actions. (I could be wrong, sure .. but I dont think I am.)
And this little stupid, nothing, hitchy, seemingly insignificant thing is bothering the shit out of me. I cant even continue on in the book. I am stuck with this thing.
And I am kinda telling myself, "I dont even give a shit about this .. let's move on." But I couldnt move on .. cuz this thing is tormenting me. (Very hard to describe .. because it doesnt make any sense. Not even to me.) But it wont go away.
» That Horribly Uncomfortable Feeling Where Nothing Feels Right About Anything
And that's what I was doing at YouTube .. I was looking for some kind of distraction. I am trying to get away from this thing. Because it is a little, nothing thing that is kicking my ass.
I was actually looking for something new from from John Oliver, because he always makes me laugh. [ This is hysterical. I almost cant stand it .. it's so funny. He is so good. ] Or maybe something from Stephen. And that's when I saw the link to your SNL song.
Oh, look .. here is Stephen drinking shots of tequila with the Fifty Shades girl. That is serious cool factor. Off scale. He's got limes and everything. "And what did my wife say?"
( I earned my Cuervo merit badge long ago, signed by José himself. Ah, the memories. )
You gotta admit, she is game. She is kinda like you .. in that, she looks all innocent. But obviously, looks can be deceiving.
"I've got a 5:30 AM pick-up .. on the other coast." You gotta be shittin' me. That is some serious bulletproof action right there.
This was actually one of the big things that I had to learn about girls. Sure, they may look all dainty and feminine and easily breakable .. but they are actually surprisingly resilient. They are tough as shit.
» Getting the Message with Girly-Girls
I mean, you can throw them around the room for an hour .. and they will laugh at you and say, "That all you got?" [ The bed is collapsed on one side. The wall is cracked. I can see now that I shouldnt have let that renter's policy expire. ]
She sent me flowers the next day. Girls are so beyond figuring out. But I was starting to get the message.
The message in the card did not say, "Love the way you throw me into the wall. Let's do it again soon." But that was a fair approximation of my take-away.
And I like said, writing is a dissatisfied, tormented thing. Or, you do it from a place where you are dissatisfied and tormented.
Perhaps the thing I am trying to describe here is writer's angst. Or the artist's angst. I mean, it's a horribly uncomfortable feeling .. where nothing feels right about anything.
And I can feel this thing building all afternoon .. and that is the writing thing. So I know that something very trippy is coming. And I kinda wish it would hurry up, whatever it is, because it is irritating the shit out me.
But it seemed to be lasting forever. Usually when I feel like that .. I know what to write. So I was feeling a little confused by this.
» You Gotta be Shittin' Me
And that's when I saw you on SNL .. and that's when I thought, "You gotta be shittin' me." .. because I saw everything line up so perfectly. And I could feel it taking me right away. And it was strong.
You know .. blood-moon type of alignments. Because alignments like this .. seem difficult to dismiss as mere coincidence. (But we try, anyway.)
And I was already in the middle of writing about the existentialists .. which, in my own crazy way of thinking, means that I am in a beautiful position to shoot this arrow.
So, by definition, you cannot plan such a thing. You just have to go with it .. if you dare. (And I usually dare.)
Plus, the writer scores major zeitgeist points by writing about an emerging development .. from inside that development .. as it is developing.
I have learned that .. writing about things in this way .. takes you more » into the moment. You are reacting .. more than thinking about something.
And there are countless little things that we each react to every day .. but some of these stimuli are more interesting than others.
And while you are reacting .. you can surprise even yourself .. at how you react. These misalignments with earlier expectations always fascinate me.
So I always try to collect them .. to use as my authentic markers to show (demonstrate) that I have indeed been down this road .. that I am describing here.
But it is really a combination of these super in-the-moment captures .. played out amid a distant parallel backdrop .. that provide such compelling portraits.
My point is that .. homie knows how to play this game .. or, at least, this part of the game.
A part of me is thinking "This is almost too perfect .. it must be some kind of trap. Things dont line up this perfectly in real life. What is going on here?"
» On the Lookout
And because, I had just written the following, about having an intuitive feel for this existential thing that I had been trying to describe:
I must say .. that I do possess a feel for this concept. An intuitive feel. And when I possess this feel of which I speak .. I feel more comfortable speaking more forcefully .. than I do with things for which I am still grasping at.
I feel that, one of the ways that a writer (or anybody, for that matter, but I am writing right now) .. the way that a writer d.e.m.o.n.s.t.r.a.t.e.s his or her grasp of a thing to is work with the thing.
My point is that I feel like I need to demonstrate an existential feel here .. a feel for it. And I'm not really sure how to do that.
Which, itself, is a curiosity .. because I rarely dont know these types of things. They are usually obvious and numerous, offering a plethora of examples from which to choose.
So I am already on the lookout for a way to demonstrate my existential feel. Or my feel for existentialism. And then you showed up on SNL.
And I knew right away that I was gonna use you .. as a way to demonstrate my existential feel .. even tho I could sense resistance there. Or maybe just reluctance.
(There are other ways that I would like to u.s.e you .. but we'll talk about those later.)
» You Can Feel These Things Coming
My point is .. on a certain level .. you can f.e.e.l these things coming. But you just dont know where they're coming from (.. or where they're going). But hey .. now we know.
» Molly Scolds Me
Why do I suddenly feel like Molly is scolding me? I have read other things that Molly has written. I like her .. so she can scold me any time she likes.
I may return to share some thoughts on her topic. She is bringing out the big guns and quoting them for me. Chapter and verse.
I wonder what Molly thinks Paul meant when he said, "I perceive" in Acts 27.
I feel. I perceive. I sense. My spidy senses are telling me. My intuition tells me. The voices in my head are saying. I think. I believe. I know. In various contexts, these are all words that can be used interchangably.
I have actually given considerable thought to some of the points she makes. But I dont think she wants to hear them. (Because I have "a feel" for you, Molly. Which should not be confused with the statement "I am feeling you." )
I wonder whether she would scold Nabokov.
See .. when you flirt with girls .. other girls dont like this. I'm talking about girls who are not even your girlfriend .. girls who you hardly even know. (And yes, I have stories.) This always perplexes me.
(Oh, look at Krugman .. feeling the math. Obviously, Paul hasnt read Molly's piece. And Blow seems to have come up with an interesting title. I knew David Brooks would bring something interesting. He always does.)
Oh, look at John Oliver. Is it just me? .. or is this that thing he breaks into at ~40 secs .. that tickles me so hard. Like I almost cant stand it. That style of humor. I dont even know what you would call it.
Not only did this existential-example thingie appear before me .. but also all the other things (stars) along with it. But I cant shoot all these other things without first shooting (bad word, I know, but you feel me) you first. Shooting is my way of saying to write my way thru the stars.
These are very abstract writing things .. so I kinda have to talk about them in abstract terms .. which can sound .. abstract.
This is kinda why I thought, "You gotta me shittin' me" when I saw you singing on SNL. Because, if you were not the l.a.s.t place that I would have ever expected .. then, you were pretty close. (The unexpected will get you every time.)
» Secret Illuminati Hand-Sign
And because you came with not only the handle .. that I had been looking for all my life ..
.. but also with the power source .. the energy source. (The coal.)
Which makes a difficult thing easier. (Which is why I am feeling so sweet on you.)
When I saw you using the jacket as a prop .. a clever prop .. while singing so passionately about that "something 'bout" ..
.. I thought, "I dont think it's his jacket."
As I was grabbing this image of you that spoke to me .. I could hear John Oliver saying, "Look .. she's giving you the secret Illuminati hand-sign .. and letting you know that she is a level O-3 Illuminati Princess .. and that she has you right where she wants you."
I briefly reference here the challenge it can be to work with certain types of images.
» Shooting an Arrow Through Your Stars
And the more stars you can shoot with a single arrow .. the bigger and more meaningful the thing. It's a very abstract feeling, but I definitely feel it.
And we cannot control how the stars line up .. so, when they do .. then, you either shoot or you dont. And you might not ever get another chance to shoot. Because of the way one star can line up another.
Marshall knows exactly what I'm talking about here. It's very much about preparation .. and a flat refusal to be denied .. regardless what obstacles may come. Because they will surely come .. when so many stars line up for you.
You dont shoot that many stars for free. No, sir. So you almost have to factor in the adversity to your your calculations. Your throwdown calculations. Timing. You know.
(And I am shooting like 17 guys .. with a single bullet. I am trying not to use this analogy, for personal reasons, but it remains persistent.)
And I would probably sound like a nutcase if I went much further .. but my point is that I feel like you helped line up my stars for me. And I remember thinking, "Wow, that's a lot of stars." (And X gonna give it to you. So stand the fuck by.)
I did not know how many of them I could shoot. But just the challenge itself can be invigorating. And much about these stars might not mean anything to anybody but me. But to me, they're stars.
And sure, I could name them for you. We have the intimacy star .. the sexual energy star .. the feeling of being in love star .. the kissing star .. the writing star .. the singer singing star .. the flirting star .. the making love star. Any many more.
And even tho I saw the handle that I had been so long looking for (.. and what a pretty handle it is) .. and even tho I saw all the stars line up .. so to speak .. I still didnt know if I could pull it off.
I did not know if my huevos rancheros were grande enough. (Some voices were certain that I simply did not have it in me.) And there's really only one way to find out.
But I could feel it right away. (And I knew it was big.) This is why it so feels like you are doing this thing to me. (And no, it's not the worst feeling in the world. Not hardly.)
And why it feels so personal to me. And why I feel like I couldnt have done it without you. (Tho, I dont see how you could have possibly known.)
» Learning Lessons
This might be a good place to share a little of my perspective of your song. Whenever I get my ass kicked like that .. I usually try to take stock and learn about how this happened.
And I noticed how it starts slow and understated, very low-key, tho you certainly say some interesting things. And then you seem to get on this escalator .. to a higher platform .. where the song takes you to a place where you can just be yourself and express these things that you are so good at expressing.
And then at the end, you are not even taking the escalator any more. You are already there. And feeling it. There's certainly a genius to the construction. And you come thru in spades. No wonder my ass is feeling whupped by a pack of ninjas. (I'm learning your tricks. I'm a quick study, you know. Homo sapiens extraordinaire.)
» Riding the Dragon
But the writer cannot really do these things himself .. it's more of a riding-the-dragon type of feeling. And it is not easy to ride a dragon .. no matter what you might've heard.
[ Have you ridden many things that were uncontrollably powerful before? ]
But you keep practicing whenever you get the chance .. and you keep getting your ass thrown off .. but after a while (years, decades) you start to get the hang of it. You start to get a feel for how to flow with it .. how to ride it.
If you try to control it .. it will throw your ass right off. You do not control this kind of thing. Rather, you go with it .. you stay true to it .. you remain faithful to it .. and see where it takes you.
Care to find out? (Sometimes, I just cant help myself.) I can hear a voice back there shouting enthusiatically, "Let's do this thing. Throw her ass down. Make her pay. Punish her severely. Focus all your fury on her. Snatch a fistful of that pretty hair and kiss those pouty lips right off her face. Then suck the soul right out of her."
» The Juicy-Juice
This is one of the coolest things .. is it not? This is true intimacy .. which is simply touching in a deeper way. A deeper and more meaningful way.
But if you tell a girl how you feel about these things .. then she kinda takes it as a personal challenge .. to prove to you, or maybe to herself .. that the sex is going to play a more prominent role than you have suggested.
The focus should be on the getting to know part .. and then, if the spirit moves you .. and you just cant help yourself .. then you can go with it. You can flow with it. You can ride it. You can let it take you. (To those places I was telling you about.)
I probably shouldnt have written this part .. because now you're probably gonna wanna throw me down. But sharing true feelings is what intimacy is all about.
When I first saw how this worked, the voice in my head said, "Dude, why didnt you learn this trick before? This could have came in very handy. Who woulda thunk such a thing? Women are beyond figuring out."
But after you've had transformative relationships .. you're just not very interested in playing hide-n-seek any more.
The feeling behind such a thing is something like, "This is really where I want to go .. into your inner sanctum. And if I have to throw your ass down in order to get there .. then, so be it."
This is kinda where I was going with Mary-Louise .. but I never quite got there.
Speaking of your inner sanctum .. tell me where you go when you sing this song. Tell me what images you conjure .. when you sing about that "something 'bout." Tell me about the thing from which you draw upon .. when you deliver such passionate wailing. Tell me everything.
Tell me a secret. And not just any secret, either. I wanna know a special secret.
And I want to know your flaws. These are part of who we are. No one is perfect. Everyone is on their own journey toward growing into a better human being.
There is a very cool thing that happens when another person knows our flaws and our faults and they still accept us and love us .. for who we are (.. rather than what we do).
I am not sure what you call this thing .. but it is so cool that it really doesnt matter.
Tell me how you deal with the corrupting effects of power and wealth and fame. Can you feel them working on you? How many gifted muscians have succumbed to these influences over the years? Who is able to withstand such things?
There was a time when I thought that writing was the writer fabricating or concocting a story in his head and then transferring that story to paper. And this may indeed be the case, sometimes.
But now I can see that writing is really about giving voice to the things that come to him. The things that speak to him. The things that inspire him. The things that challenge him. And especially to the challenging things that keep returning.
Is this not how the artist grows? They have to grow as a person .. in order to grow their artistic cojones. I'm not telling you something that you dont already know. Because, if you are singing a capella fifty shades .. this tells me that you already have big artistic cojones .. especially for such a young girl. (Seems obvious to me.)
Certain kinds of relationships .. offer a unique opportunity for growth .. I have found. Mind-blowing growth. ( The voice just said, "Dude, if you are going there, then you must really like this girl." I said, "Fuck .. how can I not?" )
This is the place where you say, "Touché."
» Your Own Page
It might take me a while to assemble it .. because I need to grab some representative images .. something that a part of me is very much looking forward to .. because you will make the image-part of the page look good .. but you are going to have your own page. (Nobody is gonna say that you didnt earn it.)
I am going to title it » Flirting with Danger. I just hope that I can fit everything into a single page.
» Working with Hotties & Images
Working with images can get me going .. and you are a hottie. If I need to go in later, and do some editing or tweaking near an image (.. such as the one I use in this section) .. I will scroll the page so that the image is out of view.
Because they speak to me. And they can be distracting. (The imagination takes off and can be hard to tame.) This is why I add my images later .. after the text is fairly set. (This shit is not as easy as I make it look.)
I searched Google images, and there are already many high-quality screen-grabs from the various videos. Nice stuff. Plus, once have the GIMP image editing program open and configured to do this stuff, it's just easier to do it all at once.
I am actually having trouble working with your images. They are talking to me. And the things they are saying .. oy vey. Such language.
As if this werent already challenging enough.
We use different parts of our brain .. when processing text and processing images. Text is primarily left-brain linear and logical and realistic, while right brain is more big picture and far more romantic.
My right brain likes you .. I can tell. It likes converting your image into their corresponding messages. I keep trying to tell him, "Dude, this is not what that image is saying." But he is obviously convinced of his interpretation. What a romantic.
For example, here is one that I said he couldnt use. Because it is too .. it's too something. (I dare not say.)
I have already off-loaded the monthly entry to archive. I actually write more freely once the text is off the home page. It feels kinda naked, writing on the home page.
This is kinda the process that works for me. Text (ideas) first, topic headings next, each individual heading with its own in-page link, representatives images after that. From there, I convert the Dreamweaver-generated HTML into Moveable Type pages. And that's where I dial it in (.. just like I did here).
And once I have that, then I have detailed access to that document .. which allows me to reference all of the ideas and concepts outlined there .. which allows me to build on them in order to create things that are even bigger and cooler and sexier and gnarlier and more powerful and more dangerous and more provocative than ever before.
(How does it feel to have me building on you? They usually say things like, "Wow, I have never felt anything like that before." When I go to work, I go work. I know you are feeling me.)
Flirting with Danger .. that will be my response to my "Touché to her." A part of me is curious about how it will finally turn out. And then it takes a while before I can get any real perspective on just what was captured there.
This title allows me to play off the earlier entry .. and celebrate our long history together. At first, I resisted your charms .. but now, they are too much and I caved.
God only knows what chapter three will look like.
The girl who knew more about making relationships work than anybody I have ever met .. told me, that if you do not have kids together, then you need to be working on some kind of creative project together ..
.. in order for the relationship to thrive and grow.
And even tho, some day, the entry will be dialed in and complete and over .. we will still always be in love. Forever. The writer and the singer. Feels right. You're the only one who gets me.
Welcome to my world. Where pretty much anything goes. Your imagination and your huevos rancheros are you only limits. And we now know you have some huevos. I'm not going to say that they're grande .. but I could.
When you sang those impersonations on SNL .. the message was clear. You inhabit the realm of singers such as Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, Mariah Carey. You kinda have to pause here a moment to really take in what that is saying. How does it feel to be destined to inhabit such a pantheon?
You are barely old enough to have a glass a glass of wine .. and the pantheon is already your home. How do you deal with that? Doesnt that torque your coconut?
I'm sure that I will be feeling more of your quantum entanglement. (Oh .. speaking of which .. there it is right now. You feel close.)
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