I have Never Been Here Before

When I first heard that you were coming out next with a video for breathin' (released Wed, 7 Nov 2018) I wondered what kind of concept you would come up with.

"What's she gonna bring?" I wondered. "What can she bring with a song like this?"

Some days had passed and I forgot all about the video .. until I saw the thumbnail for it .. right there in front of me.

» The Most Excited Sense of Anticipation I have Ever Felt

This is definitely the most excited I have felt. By far .. and I am always excited to see your new stuff. But this was special.

The sense of anticipation with this particular video .. and the surrounding curiosity and the hint of a promise of worlds that I didnt even know existed .. was too much for me.

As if on its own, my hand shot out and hovered directly over the trackpad .. less than an inch away.

I was starting to click when I better saw the details of the image of you on the thumbnail.

Ariana breathin video thumbnail (7 Nov 2018)

That's when I froze. (I am cautious with girls like you.)

Even without clicking the link, the voice in my head said, "Oh, I see where she is going with this."

I see how you are, girly. I see how you work. You are clever. This I will freely admit.

You never cease to impress me and to challenge me. You sometimes do things to me that I cannot even put into words. (But that doesnt stop me from trying.)

So I didnt click on it. My sense of restraint has been impressing girls for years.

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Starving Writer SOS

» The Homeless Starving Writer

Girly, I just learned today that, due to circumstances beyond my control, I will be more-or-less homeless come January 1st. (The day of new beginnings.)

Though, I must say that it feels right. It feels like change is in the air. And timing is important.

(Eddie Glenn knows what I am talking about. Poor Eddie Glenn.)

I have been homeless before .. but that was back when I had a car, and a drivers license and some money. And some credit cards that werent max'ed out yet. And I still had good physical stamina. And a voice box that did not have radiation scarring.

» Responding to Anxiety-Inducing Events

Perhaps I am not articulating this accurately .. but you feel me when I say that anxiety can sometimes be a good thing. It can provide you with the motivation that you did not have before.

And it can even be the thing that helps kick you over into your true voice.

Perhaps I am taking this authentic thing too seriously. Perhaps I should compromise my sense of artistic values.

Dont think I havent thought about it. More than once.

But in the end the thing that a writer is really after (.. okay, besides the super-hottie singers who sing from their hearts) the thing the writer really desires is the ability to speak to a thing that needs to be spoken to.

"Yes, I can speak to this thing here because I have been there. I have done that myself. Remind me to tell you that story sometime."

You gain insights and understanding while actually in a thing .. that you can get no other way.

When you are talking to a dude who is trying to portray themself as something that they are not .. and he doesnt know that you have already been there and done that .. well, I am not even going to finish this sentence. But you feel me.

"I can converse on a meaningful level about this thing because I have been there."

This right here is the heart of (for me) the existential mindset and approach. By which I mean how all these experiences affect me personally. On a personal basis.

» Why Am I Feeling So Chill?

I was surprised at myself .. for reacting so calmly to the news. (Plus I got a flu shot today and was feeling a little achy.)

I was wondering "Is this because the Zoloft is so good? Is this why I am feeling so chill when I should probably be freaking out?" 

I could easily justify taking an Ativan right now with this kind of news .. but I dont feel like I need it.

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This entry originated here » Hypocrisy in America (2 Oct 2018).

» Show Me the Moral Excellence

Next time you see Mike Pence, ask him what he thinks about his boss being a gigantic tax cheat. Ask him how that sits with his values .. with his sense of moral excellence. With his sense of right-n-wrong.

How does that sit with his sense of patriotism?

Trump says about Pence: 'I dont question his loyalty at all.' (17 Nov 2018)

Ask him about the condition of the planet that is being left to our children.

Ask him what he thinks about his generation living at the expense of the next generation?

Proverbs instructs the believer » "Do not let mercy and kindness leave you. Instead let these qualities define you. Bind them securely around your neck and write them on the tablet of your heart."

Ask him "Where is the 'mercy and kindness' in ripping young children away from their vulnerable parents?" (Ye shall know them by their fruit.)

Lemme know what he says .. because he can't say that he wasnt warned.

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Hypocrisy in America

This entry originated here » When Governments Inflict Lasting Psychic Trauma on Children as a Matter of Policy - Page Two (21 June 2018).

» What a Hypocrite

I wonder what Mike Pence thinks of this. He seems to be familiar with the way that bad morals can end up incinerating the planet.

Mike Pence the hypocrite speaks to Bill Clinton's moral failures

He is such a hypocrite. He is a hypocrite's hypocrite. Paul says that such people condemn themselves.

Peter says to rid yourself of all hypocrisy. (Mike mustve skipped that part.)

Mike Pence the hypocrite speaks to Bill Clinton's moral failures

I bet that George Will would back me up here. And McKay Coppins. And Stephen. And Ellen Wald.

Mike Pence is a self-righteous, fake believer .. just like George. A generation comes and a generation goes. Peter knows what I am talking about.

Peter Wehner knows what I am talking about.

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Sense of SELF & Escaping Self-Deception

This page continues from here » Another Mind-Fucking Tragedy (14 Sept 2018).

» Sense of SELF Based Internally vs Externally

The thing that makes it easier with the dissolving and ultimate death of a toxic relationship .. is when you have confidence and self-respect for your own value and worth .. as a child of God ..

.. and knowing that you possess within yourself something truly divine .. upon which you can set your sorrows over the death of this relationship.

I have discussed this already on Page Five .. right after the section where I write, "Wow .. I actually feel like I am in love."

If your sense of self is based externally, then this makes the death of the relationship all the more distressing.

But the end of a relationship that it sucking the life out of you .. this is a net-gain for sure.

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Another Mind-Fucking Tragedy

This page continues from here » Is This Not a Trippy Coincidence? (14 Sept 2018).

» More Trippy Coincidences

I hesitate to mention it .. but, on the subject of trippy coincidences, and things that cause depression and anxiety .. what do you think about Mac's most recent video titled Self Care (12 July 2018)?

Mememto mori, Mac Miller Self Care (12 July 2018)

Particularly the part where he carves into a coffin lid with the blade of a pocket knife the words MEMENTO MORI?

The song is titled Self Care, yet he is smoking a cigarette in a closed space. He takes a drag right after he sings, "I'm treatin' me right."

» Taunting Death

In other words, he is clearly not taking care of himself. He seemed to be taunting death.

Mac Miller lying in a coffin Self Care (12 July 2018)

Drunk driving is not only being reckless with your own life, but also with the lives of others.

Do you think he could he see his future?

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Is This Not a Trippy Coincidence?

This entry originated here » Anxiety and Depression - Page One (27 July 2018).

» Am I Feeling this Girl More than I Realize?

Girly, I noticed that you just released a song titled » breathin (23 Aug 2018). Dont you think that this is a trippy coincidence? (Given the lyrics.)

I posted my page on anxiety back on July 27, a month before you posted your breathin single. And you had also said some things along these lines with Jimmy on August 16th.

Shit started getting funky on July 1st. Ten days later I thought I was having a heart attack or dying. June was spent taking the escalator up to July 1st.

Sometimes timing is more important than at other times. You feel me. Maybe I am feeling you even more than I realize.

I had a similar feeling with Julie Allen .. in that I am obviously experiencing this terribly unpleasant thing .. which is connected to this girl .. to this very cool girl. A motivated girl .. who suffers mental health issues from time to time.

And yet it doesnt seem like I should be feeling this thing so strongly. And here is where I usually try-n-figure out how such a thing can be.

Speaking of trying to figure out how such a thing can be .. do you think that this anxiety is some kind of sympathetic sort of thing?

Selena is upset when Justin is upset

Selena knows what I am talking about. When you really love someone, you accept them flaws-n-all. No?

But, when I started having these attacks, I did not know that you were also having them. Heck, I didnt even know what they were myself. I didnt know what was happening to me.

I am normally very good at handling and dealing with stressful situations which could easily trigger anxiety. I normally kick large amounts of ass in this area.

Angst or 'existential anxiety' (at t=2:35)

You're right that it is like the worst feeling. Afterwards I thought, "I can see why they use waterboarding. It instantly produces severe anxiety .. not being able to catch your breath."

It sucks very badly. It feels like a form of torture. Especially when it seems like it is not going to stop. And when you dont know what is happening to you.

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One Month into Antidepressants

This page continues from here » Anxiety and Depression - Page Three (27 July 2018).

» One Month into Antidepressants

It has now been one month since I started taking these antidepressants. I started with half a pill for the first two weeks, and then transitioned to a full pill (50 mg).

I confess that I didnt really notice any effects from the antidepressant. A few times I caught myself thinking, "I feel happy .. but I can't think of anything different to make me feel happy. So maybe this is how the antidepressant is making me feel."

I mean, the opposite ( anti ) of feeling depressed is » feeling happy, no?

But, for the most part, I felt different only when I took the Propanolol or the Ativan.

The Propanolol takes me straight to Chillsville, and the Ativan eliminates any hint of anxiety. (I only take half an Ativan, because I have to make these 5 pills last the whole month. So I only take them when I really need them.)

I can't say that I notice any effects from the Ativan, except for all anxiety going away. It is really is remarkable stuff .. when it comes to stripping away anxiety. But if I didnt have any anxiety, I dont think that I would feel anything from taking the Ativan.

On the other hand, I can definitely feel the effect of the Propanolol. If you have ever experienced turbulence while riding in a jet, then Propanolol makes everything seem smooth and relaxed. You feel chill. Not quite tired, but heading in that general direction.

I take the Zoloft at night before bed. I do feel tired after taking it, but I am already tired, because I am ready for bed. So I can't really say for sure that the antidepressant makes me tired.

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Your Foot Must be Starting to Get Very Sore

» Better Get that Baby in a Bucket of Ice Right Away

Girly, your foot must be starting to get very sore right about now .. from kicking so much ass.

Ariana singing GiaW 2018 VMAs Radio City NYC 20 August

[ What do you think, lovergirl, of this shot of you that I grabbed here? This was a very challenging image for me to work with. I kept cropping it down more and more. Can you see why? I see you, girly. Are you doing this on purpose? What a look. I am so glad that we will always be in love forever. Can you blame me? I see that you have your hair down here. ]

You should probably get that puppy in a bucket of ice right away. I hear that this can help keep down the swelling.

My brother is a surgeon who specializes in feet. (Lots of bones in the feet.) So I can get you a good deal if you need an operation.

I mean, if you keep kicking ass like this, then who knows what kind of shape your foot is going to be in?

You want to ice it off-n-on for the first 48-72 hours. Then transistion to heat and massage to promote healing.

Let me know if you need help with the massage part. (Girls tell me all the time what nice hands I have .. if you really must know.)

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Titanic in a Single Take

I think that we are really no-shit in love .. for all intents and purposes. It definitely feels that way.

Ariana singing My Heart Will Go On (13 Aug 2018)

I see you here, girly .. with your back to audience. I see you. Dont think that I missed that.

You sing so good sometimes that I can hardly stand it.

This was a very creative endeavor .. especially the way you used parts of all those (13) songs .. and all those different sets.

You visit and explore, ever so briefly, so many different emotions.

I can feel the part of me that creates universes being impressed.

James is very good at this type of thing. He was holding his own. (I can tell that he really likes you.)

I particularly like the way you balance the tragedy with comedy. The comedy helps you better handle the tragedy.

I see your bandage. Looks like you got yourself an owie there on your hand. Do you want me to kiss it and make it all better?

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