Recently in anxiety and depression Category

Starving Writer SOS - Page Five

This entry continues from here » Page Four (1 Nov 2018).

» Send a Moving Truck with a Couple of Strong Dudes

Maybe you could send a moving truck here .. a few days before New Years .. along with a couple of muscular dudes to load my shit. I have very little stuff.

Everything I have could easily fit into the smallest U-haul truck. And then they could take me to my new place.

I have no bed. No furniture. Just clothes and books and a laptop. A couple of bikes. It makes moving easy. Unencumbered.

Heck, I probably really only need one strong dude.

My mom used to say, "The things you own end up owning you."

You can spend a good chunk of your life just tending to all your stuff .. and not writing or creating, or tending to the things that are really important in life.

I got rid of most of my crap when I moved here from Orange county. (Here in northern San Diego county. It takes an hour to get to the OC. Probably 75 mins all the way to Laguna.)

So right about now is when I can use that bed .. the one with my name on it. (You and Nicki must have ESP.)

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Starving Writer SOS - Page Four

This entry continues from here » Page Three (1 Nov 2018).

» Writing and Intimacy both Represent Formidable Challenges

One of the reasons why, Ariana, I am drawn to, and pursue, intimacy .. is for the same reason that I am drawn to and pursue writing.

Both can be tricky and challenging to negotiate .. both come with incubation periods that deter most explorers .. and both come with pay-offs that you can get no other way. (If you really must know.)

I wonder what Kierkegaard thinks about that.

Intimacy is probably the domain in which you learn the most about yourself. Perhaps this is because this is where you speak most openly and honestly and frankly.

» Nothing More Difficult than Escaping Self-Deception

On the subject of taking on challenging endeavors .. Wittgenstein says that nothing is more difficult than escaping self-delusion.

I would have to agree with him there. It might not even be humanly possible .. but I can guarantee you that the journey is not boring. Talk about things that you did not even know existed.

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Starving Writer SOS - Page Three

This entry continues from here » Page Two (1 Nov 2018).

» Sponsoring a Starving Writer

Ewan McGregor as Christain the writer in Moulin Rouge!Anyway .. so I was thinking, girly.

Since we are already in love,

and because we make such a good team,

and because we now have a history,

a rich history,

and because we will always be in love forever ..

.. I think you should consider sponsoring a starving writer.

And in return, I will continue to write and push the envelope,

and continue what I have already been doing for years ..

so we can see where this story takes us.

I should probably give you some time to think about it.

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Starving Writer SOS - Page Two

This entry continues from here » Page One (1 Nov 2018).

» When Life Starts to Crumble Around You

You learn a lot about people, girly, when their life starts to crumble around them.

Sandcastle at the beach with the tide coming in.

It happens to everybody, you know .. at some time or other. Emile and Sinead know what I am talking about.

Sinead discusses life after Clevver (20 Nov 2018)

And more than just once or twice, too .. over the course of a lifetime.

Right after I called bro, I called cousin Patti. She lives in Connecticut. She is so good at helping me deal with shit like this. I called her every other day during treatment. When my voice gave out, we traded emails.

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Starving Writer SOS - Page One

» The Homeless Starving Writer

Girly, I just learned today that, due to circumstances beyond my control, I will be more-or-less homeless come January 1st. (The day of new beginnings.)

SOS written in the snow from the film Arctic (1 Feb 2019)

Though, I must say that it feels right. It feels like change is in the air. It feels natural and organic. And timing is important.

(Eddie Glenn knows what I am talking about. Poor Eddie Glenn.)

I have been homeless before .. but that was back when I had a car, and a drivers license and some money. And some credit cards that werent max'ed out yet. And I still had good physical stamina. And a voice box that did not have radiation scarring.

[ All my doctors say that long-term stress is not good .. because it weakens the immune system. ]

» Responding to Anxiety-Inducing Events

Perhaps I am not articulating this accurately .. but you feel me when I say that anxiety can sometimes be a good thing. It can provide you with the motivation that you did not have before.

And it can even be the thing that helps kick you over into your true voice.

» Maybe I am Taking this Authentic Thing Too Far

Perhaps I am taking this authentic thing too seriously. Perhaps I should compromise my sense of artistic values.

Dont think I havent thought about it. More than once. Shakespeare knows what I am talking about.

'To thy own self be true ..' says Polonius in Hamlet Acts 1 Scene 3.

In the end, the thing that a writer is really after (.. okay, besides the super-hottie singers who sing from their hearts) the thing the writer really desires is ..

.. is simply the ability to speak to whatever-thing might need speaking to.

"Yes, I can speak to this thing here because I have been there. I have done that myself. Remind me to tell you that story sometime. That's a good story."

You gain insights and understanding while actually in a thing .. that you can get no other way.

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Sense of SELF & Escaping Self-Deception

This page continues from here » Another Mind-Fucking Tragedy (14 Sept 2018).

» Sense of SELF Based Internally vs Externally

The thing that makes it easier with the dissolving and ultimate death of a toxic relationship .. is when you have confidence and self-respect for your own value and worth .. as a child of God ..

.. and knowing that you possess within yourself something truly divine .. upon which you can set your sorrows over the death of this relationship.

I have discussed this already on Page Five .. right after the section where I write, "Wow .. I actually feel like I am in love."

If your sense of self is based externally, then this makes the death of the relationship all the more distressing.

But the end of a relationship that it sucking the life out of you .. this is a net-gain for sure.

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Another Mind-Fucking Tragedy

This page continues from here » Is This Not a Trippy Coincidence? (14 Sept 2018).

» More Trippy Coincidences

I hesitate to mention it .. but, on the subject of trippy coincidences, and things that cause depression and anxiety .. what do you think about Mac's most recent video titled Self Care (12 July 2018)?

Mememto mori, Mac Miller Self Care (12 July 2018)

Particularly the part where he carves into a coffin lid with the blade of a pocket knife the words MEMENTO MORI?

The song is titled Self Care, yet he is smoking a cigarette in a closed space. He takes a drag right after he sings, "I'm treatin' me right."

» Taunting Death

In other words, he is clearly not taking care of himself. He seemed to be taunting death.

Mac Miller lying in a coffin Self Care (12 July 2018)

Drunk driving is not only being reckless with your own life, but also with the lives of others.

Do you think he could he see his future?

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Is This Not a Trippy Coincidence?

This entry originated here » Anxiety and Depression - Page One (27 July 2018).

» Am I Feeling this Girl More than I Realize?

Girly, I noticed that you just released a song titled » breathin (23 Aug 2018). Dont you think that this is a trippy coincidence? (Given the lyrics.)

I posted my page on anxiety back on July 27, a month before you posted your breathin single. And you had also said some things along these lines with Jimmy on August 16th.

Shit started getting funky on July 1st. Ten days later I thought I was having a heart attack or dying. June was spent taking the escalator up to July 1st.

Sometimes timing is more important than at other times. You feel me. Maybe I am feeling you even more than I realize.

I had a similar feeling with Julie Allen .. in that I am obviously experiencing this terribly unpleasant thing .. which is connected to this girl .. to this very cool girl. A motivated girl .. who suffers mental health issues from time to time.

And yet it doesnt seem like I should be feeling this thing so strongly. And here is where I usually try-n-figure out how such a thing can be.

Speaking of trying to figure out how such a thing can be .. do you think that this anxiety is some kind of sympathetic sort of thing?

Selena is upset when Justin is upset

Selena knows what I am talking about. When you really love someone, you accept them flaws-n-all. No?

But, when I started having these attacks, I did not know that you were also having them. Heck, I didnt even know what they were myself. I didnt know what was happening to me.

I am normally very good at handling and dealing with stressful situations which could easily trigger anxiety. I normally kick large amounts of ass in this area.

Angst or 'existential anxiety' (at t=2:35)

You're right that it is like the worst feeling. Afterwards I thought, "I can see why they use waterboarding. It instantly produces severe anxiety .. not being able to catch your breath."

It sucks very badly. It feels like a form of torture. Especially when it seems like it is not going to stop. And when you dont know what is happening to you.

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One Month into Antidepressants

This page continues from here » Anxiety and Depression - Page Three (27 July 2018).

» One Month into Antidepressants

It has now been one month since I started taking these antidepressants. I started with half a pill for the first two weeks, and then transitioned to a full pill (50 mg).

I confess that I didnt really notice any effects from the antidepressant. A few times I caught myself thinking, "I feel happy .. but I can't think of anything different to make me feel happy. So maybe this is how the antidepressant is making me feel."

I mean, the opposite ( anti ) of feeling depressed is » feeling happy, no?

But, for the most part, I felt different only when I took the Propanolol or the Ativan.

The Propanolol takes me straight to Chillsville, and the Ativan eliminates any hint of anxiety. (I only take half an Ativan, because I have to make these 5 pills last the whole month. So I only take them when I really need them.)

I can't say that I notice any effects from the Ativan, except for all anxiety going away. It is really is remarkable stuff .. when it comes to stripping away anxiety. But if I didnt have any anxiety, I dont think that I would feel anything from taking the Ativan.

On the other hand, I can definitely feel the effect of the Propanolol. If you have ever experienced turbulence while riding in a jet, then Propanolol makes everything seem smooth and relaxed. You feel chill. Not quite tired, but heading in that general direction.

I take the Zoloft at night before bed. I do feel tired after taking it, but I am already tired, because I am ready for bed. So I can't really say for sure that the antidepressant makes me tired.

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Anxiety and Depression - Page Three

This page continues from here » Page Two (27 July 2018).

» Demi Lovato

Speaking of combining opioids with benzos .. remind me to talk about Demi Lovato.

Opium poppies

In particular, notice where Dr. Drew says (« at t=1:00):

"And if you add those (opiate pills) to a benzodiazepine, which celebrities get their hands on all the time, they frequently stop breathing. It's a common problem."

I had never heard this before. But the reason why I mention it here is because it resonates with my own experience of combining opiates with benzos (Ativan is a benzo) .. where it felt like I wouldnt breathe unless I consciously thought about breathing.

Opium poppies

But I admit that I am something of a lightweight when it comes to drugs. They seem to have a greater effect on me than they do on most other people.

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