The Art of Giving Shit - Page One

Speaking of stories .. girly, the Dog called recently to say hi. He is very good about staying in touch. And I remembered the story that I told you and Nicki about whispered secrets.

Ariana whispering secrets to Nicki in Side to Side

After the niceties were over, I said, "Dog, do you remember that time we went to the Lollipop?"

Girly, the Dog didnt even say anything. There was a delicious empty silence on the other end of the phone.

You could almost hear his long-dormant neurons being activated .. as they lit up neural circuitry all the way back to our days in Waikiki.

A few seconds later he just started laughing. And it was the type of laughter that told me that I have him right where I want him.

It's not easy to catch the Dog off balance like this. So I was proud of myself. (Timing is everything, you know.)

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••• today's entry continues here below •••

And he says a tentative, "Yeah." But he can tell already that I have him at a disadvantage. Because the Dog's memory is not as good as mine. (Even tho he is no dummy.)

Then I said, "Do you remember where we went after the Lollipop?" (You cannot possibly imagine how much fun this was for me.)

The Dog feels around a little, trying to get his bearings and he says somewhat confidently, "We went to the Sugar Mill."

"That's right," I said, very calmly, so as not to let him know where I am going with this thing. "Do you remember what happened when we got there?"

Now I really have him. He starts laughing again. Nervous laughter .. because he knows his ass is mine.

He starts somewhat unsure of himself, "Yeah .. we ordered.."

And I jumped in and said, "We? No, dog .. not we. You .. you ordered."

It was so much fun working him like that. I was working his ass mercilessly. He totally deserved it.

Notice how people try to blame me for shit that is not my fault. Sometimes I think there must be a sign hanging on my back, saying, "Blame me."

I love the Dog.

He has gotten me way more times than I've gotten him. So it felt extra special good to get him like this.

» When Giving Shit Means I Love You

The Dog is so good at fucking with you and giving you shit that it actually makes you feel good when he does it. He makes you feel like he loves you.

[ It should be obvious, but worth noting nonetheless .. that there is a huge difference between 'giving shit' and 'giving a shit.' ]

And he always brings a valid point that he works from. Or, at least, a pseudo-valid point.

[ Whereas I grew up with one brother and no sisters .. the Dog grew up with one sister, and no brothers. ]

This is how guys have fun with each other .. giving each other shit when they deserve it.

Girly, both you and the Dog make me feel less alone in the world. There are very few people who make me feel that way.

That's a good trick. You'll have to show me how you do that sometime.

I was giving my son dog-style shit when I took this photo of him. I forget what I was giving him shit about .. but he did not seem too terribly bothered by it.

He loved it when I gave him shit. (He has given me way more shit than I've given him.)

MGK giving this kid shit about rapping naughty lyrics

Here is an image from MGK's Bad Things » behind the scenes .. where he is giving this kid shit about rapping naughty lyrics.

I learned how to do that from the Dog. This is another reason why I love the Dog.

» Kids Always Want to Do Exactly What You Tell Them They Shouldnt

Here is a photo of my son at 2 years old, after his evening bath, climbing out of the crib.

I would say, "You better not climb out of that crib, Buck-o .. or you'll be in big trouble. Big, big trouble. Dont even think about it."

Climbing out of the crib at 2 years old

Whatever I told him that he better not do .. that is always exactly what he wanted to do. "Look at my leg, dad. Look what I'm doing."

I bet that Michael Bisping knows exactly what I am talking about.

Is that not the cutest thing you have ever seen? "Lucas, I'm fighting for the world championship tonight .. who's gonna win? What do you mean he's going to knock me out?"

Notice how they play the sound (at t=1:20) of a vinyl record scratching. A perfect place to play that sound.

He is from Manchester. God bless Manchester. That is a great video. Did you see those guys at the end, laughing their asses off? They couldnt help themselves.

I want to tell Michael Bisping about the time when I was living in Lancaster (Pennsylvania) and dating a girl from York. It was one of my best relationships ever. She was my first college graduate. My mom went nuts over her.

[ This photo here is close to the age that he was when that girl said, "I want one just like that." Can you blame her? He is the reason why people tell me that I make good babies.

As you can see, I put a lot of effort into him. Effort and love. From day 1. I'm sure you can see it. It's right there in his eye. You can't miss it. Super-human.

» Not as Easy as I Make it Look

It's not easy to be a good dad when people are calling the police and child protective services every other day for years on end to tell them that you are a horrible dad.

In their opinion, of course.

That shit takes a toll on you after a while. And the courts seem only too eager to oblige. You try to not let that toll affect your kids .. but I can assure you that it's not as easy as I make it look. ]

For this shot I held the camera at my chest (for a more natural shot) and was saying to him, "Do not dare try to climb out of that crib, mister .. or you will be very sorry."

Look at my leg, dad .. look what I'm doing.

Does he look very sorry to you? When a child looks at you with eyes like this .. this is indescribably delicious. (Or when he touches your face like this.)

Reactance stipulates that, when we are told we can't do something, then we want to do it even more (at t=2:10)

I submitted some of these photos with my responses to the court. "Does he look like he's being abused?" I asked.

Notice how, in the other photos of him posted here, he seems to be hamming it up for the camera .. which I am pointing at him. He is being cute and he knows it. (He knows how to work me.) Mr. "Guapo," as the old Mexican lady called him.

But this one here is just us having fun. "Look at my leg, dad. Look what I'm doing."

» Exquisite Mind-Fucking

There was a period there, for quite a stretch .. when I wasnt sure if I'd be seeing him the next week.

You cannot imagine how that fucks with your head. That is some kind of exquisite mind-fucking right there. And I won't even get into all the restraining orders.

This is why I always wanted the current week to be as cool as possible .. filling him with as much love and affection and attention as I possibly could.

» The Prophet Who Turns the Hearts of the Fathers to the Children

And dont think that Cormac McCarthy doesnt have a little something to do with the sparkle in that boy's eye.

Cormac McCarthy (1933- ) | The Real Deal

This is why Cormac reminds me of Elijah the prophet. He turns the hearts of the fathers to the children.

I wonder what it is about the hearts of the fathers being turned away from the children .. that causes God to want to come and "strike the land with total destruction."

Whatever it might be, I am sure that Alice Miller knows.

Cormac has a young son himself, by the way. His name is John.

Cormac McCarthy is the real deal. And he knows it. (Just like Jessie.)

» The Real Deal

Jessie J | Real Deal

Speaking of real deals .. girly, I know that you know this Jessie J girl pictured here. You sang that song with her and Nicki. That is a kick-ass song that you girls sang.

» Bang Bang All Over You

You know the song that I'm talking about. Dont pretend like you dont know what I'm talking about.

Girly, that song has nearly a billion views. Holy smokes. You cannot possibly know how big of a number that is.

That song has some eyebrow-raising lyrics. (Oh, I see .. that is actually a Jessie J song .. which features you and Nicki.)

"Bang-bang, all over you. (I'll let you have it.)" Oh, girly .. these are very naughty lyrics that you girls are singing here.

[ I have a 'bang-bang-all-over-you' story myself. It was a beautiful thing. Let me tell you. She let me have it. Many times she let me have it. But who's counting?

I dont recall whether I actually said it, but I was definitely thinking, "This girl is amazing."

She holds a certain record in my life that happens to make her special. And she is way out in front of everybody else.

In this particular category .. no one else is even close. This is why she was amazing, and represents part of why I feel a sense of regret. (There are other reasons.)

The bedrooms were upstairs at her place. She had a nice place. She was a good fit for me. Very good.

Maybe the best .. with all things considered. Definitely on the short-list for all-time greatest.

» The Untold Story Leading Up to a Key Life Inflection-Point

There is a good-sized story behind this girl .. a story untold. Some stories are harder to tell than others. And some can prove challenging and daunting and intimidating.

Like they are downright daring you to tell them .. saying shit like, "You do not have the balls for this .. so dont even think about it. Dont be looking at me like that. There is a reason why this story has remained untold .. and you dont want to know the reason why this is. Trust me."

This girl represents an inflection-point for me. Not exactly a crossroads, but along those lines.

It's very easy to get lost in the lead-up to these key junctures in life .. because they are such cool places. The term 'enchanted' comes to mind.

And what if you are in the middle of writing this untold thing .. and you start to feel a twinge of regret regarding how things turned out?

What then?

I mean, just thinking about it .. and I am already feeling regret.

I do not really like that feeling .. the feeling of regret.

Regret sucks. And sometimes it sucks a lot. And sometimes it even sucks more than you can handle.

So perhaps this is why I have not told this untold story.

But sometimes the circumstances will conspire around your life in such a way as to force you to choose between Door #1 and Door #2.

Who does not know what I am talking about? I am talking about all the factors that converge onto your life at certain times to inform and influence and affect a key boolean decision.

After many years, you can naturally look back over things from a perspective that includes the advantage of knowing how things actually turned out in the future.

Maybe you picked Door #2, like me. Then you can't help but think, "Life would have been much different if I had gone with Door #1. Definitely much easier." 

I might have to lift-out this this section. I didnt expect to write this. I was only going to add one sentence.

See how tricky these things can be? Next thing you know .. you're working on Page Ten.

» Tricking Myself

The act of outlining exactly why I dont want to do a particular thing .. can sometimes be a way to trick myself into doing things that I dont want to do. Things that I am too big of a pussy to dare tackle.

Because, once you start writing about why you dont want to write about a thing .. next thing you you know, you are already wading into this thing.

Then you think, "Fuck it .. I've already come this far. I might as well go ahead and flesh out this thing. But not too much. Just enough to be teasy about it. And maybe some day my balls will grow big enough for me to go ahead and finish it." ]

» Recipe for Trouble

Girly .. you and Nicki and Jessie .. all together .. that is a recipe for trouble if ever I saw one. There's a lot girl-thing going on there. Strong, confident girl-thing. (I am feeling something here.)

Suffused with a righteous feminist fire (Mary Shelley)

I remember when I first saw that video. I remember thinking that you girls were pushing the envelope. Pushing boundaries. Leaning hard on them. The lyrics, the beat, the visuals, the energy, the subtext .. everything was pushing the envelope.

"Good for them," I thought.

Jessie J .. she brings serious vocal talent to the table. She is a real no-shit singer. I have seen her listed on various Best Singers lists. She has a strong voice.

I was struck here by how happy she looks .. how genuinely happy. Good for her. I mean, if I were doing this music video .. driving that cool, old car down to the beach .. I would be feeling pretty happy myself, I'm sure.

Interesting lyrics, no? I certainly think so.

» The Real Deal Welcomes Opportunities to Prove Their Realness

The concept of the real deal .. this is an interesting conversation. What does it mean to be the real deal? What is it that makes somebody the real deal?

Nobody is born a real deal. J Cole knows what I am talking about.

The real deal must prove their realness. Everyday the real deal must be prepared to prove his realness.

This is why real deals do not shy away from challenges .. but rather, they welcome them. Heartily welcome

They themselves are curious about how far their realness can take them. You know what I am talking about.

Why do I feel like I should include an image of Bruno Mars here?

Girly, say hi to your friend Jessie for me .. the next time you see her.

Jessie J | Real Deal

You have the coolest friends.

I remember that one performance where you girls did that song at an awards show .. and Jessie came in from the back .. down the aisles. That was very fucking cool .. the way she did that. Very ballsy.

Now with Jessie here, I have images of all three of you girls on the same page .. like a reunion of sorts.

I must really have a thing for singers.

» I Dont Know If You Girls Could Handle It

I have gone back and inserted this section here on Jessie J where I mention how Cormac McCarthy is the real deal. I only do things like this with girls that I really like. Because they have to make it worth your while.

Being paired with Cormac McCarthy .. especially in an artistic sense .. this is a very cool thing .. existentially speaking. It says things to me. "What kinds of things?" you ask?

I dont know if you girls could handle it. (Harold Bloom certainly couldnt handle it.)

This page here, where I write about my son and the Dog .. this is obviously a special page for me. Where I write about how the things that I learned from watching the dog .. have made me a better parent.

» Modeling Good Parenting Techniques (Not Bad Parenting)

I should probably note here that I learned more about how to be a good parent from the Film school girl .. than from anyone else. She was dedicated and devoted to her kids more than anyone I had ever met.

She told me many times how she felt that her own mother was not there for her and her brothers .. while they were growing up across the street from Disneyland (.. and sneaking under the fence after school).

Maria and Grandma Nancy at the Irvine Bowl in Laguna Beach

And she was determined not to repeat those same mistakes with her own kids.

I very much admired and respected her for this. She would drive all the way back from USC (in LA) to Laguna Beach in order to make it to one of her daughter's high school plays. She even went when she was feeling sick as shit.

She never missed .. not even one play. (Ever.) If you have ever tried to be that kind of parent, then you know how difficult it is.

» Spending the Summer Camping and Hiking the Sierra Nevadas

She would take both kids to Yosemite for most of the summer. And each one gets to bring along a friend. The girl brought her boyfriend .. an Eagle scout.

They had to show me how to poop in the woods. It can be tricky. Amandla knows what I am talking about.

More than once the thought passed through my mind » "Why couldnt I have parents like this?"

» Parenting from a Sense of Guilt

Now you might argue here that she performed these superhuman feats of parenting because, at least partly, of the guilt she felt .. over cheating on her unpassionate jeweler-husband .. with a young latin guitar player not much older than her kids.

( You could never make up shit like this, folks .. so why even try? )

Which is the thing that led to the break-up. Which is the thing that led to the divorce. Which is the thing that traumatized the kids at such a tender, young age .. a vulnerable age while they are still developing and forming their personalities.

Here I would have to admit that you were indeed making a valid point.

[ I have had a number of parents, who were more experienced than myself, tell me,

"If you're going to break up, then it's best to do it while they're still young .. because, this way, the kids won't feel like it's their fault."

My son was not yet six months old when his mother and I separated. And no, he doesnt feel like it was his fault. ]

When the parents came to tell the boy that they would be separating, he stuck his fingers in his ears and refused to listen. "I can't hear you. I can't hear you."

The divorce seemed to be harder on the boy than the girl. The boy is naturally going to identify with his father. And his mother is rejecting his father .. because she feels that he doesnt have the emotional range that she needs in her marriage.

He was always very chill. I liked him. I dont see how anybody wouldnt like him.

And he played a mean game of beach volleyball .. there in the powdery sand at Main Beach in Laguna. Justin knows the place I'm talking about.

Main Beach, Laguna

He was there every morning. Beach volleyball two-by-two is physically demanding. You have to be in outstanding shape in order to play beach volleyball every morning .. for an hour or two.

If you think about it, this is a very cool lifestyle that he was living.

He was a real, no-shit artist. The kids got their artistic sensibilities from him. They both had legit artistic skills. (The boy could draw with pencil and won awards for his photography. His black-n-white photos were remarkable. He developed them himself.)

Notice how the beginning of this Big Think video talks about the 'large genetic component' for talent in artistic creative skills.

I have already described the mom as being » beyond mere tenacity.

I heard all the stories about the devolving of the relationship and the dissolving of the marriage.. which all happened before I ever came along.

(It's a very interesting story .. for a number of reasons.)

The heart wants what it wants. The heart needs what it needs. Selena knows what I am talking about.

The Heart Wants What It Wants, Selena Gomez (Nov 2014)

The heart needs to live and breathe. You can't stop it from trying.

» Not Able to Make it Work

I am familiar with this sense of guilt that comes to the parent. I never cheated on my son's mom .. (I can barely handle one girl at a time) .. but I felt bad that I was not able to make it work with her.

Especially because I am well-versed in relationships. I have much experience with relationships. I know what works and what doesnt work. I know what a good relationship looks like and I know what a bad relationship looks like.

I know what a healthy relationship looks like, and I know what a dysfunctional relationship looks like. I could certainly continue here, but you feel me.

» Intimate Relationships are Built on Trust

[ Intimate relationships that involve children are difficult under the best of circumstances.

Once you start actually trying to hurt and to harm your intimate lover .. that relationship is done.

You are far beyond what is required to make an intimate relationship work .. because an intimate relationship requires trust.

And once you start trying to hurt and to harm your intimate partner .. I can assure you that they no longer trust you.

And really .. what kind of relationship can you have without trust?

Abuse of trust by the Catholic church

And how can you trust someone who is trying to hurt you? Who is trying to do you harm?

Because that is what an enemy does. An enemy tries to hurt you. An enemy tries to do you harm.

I already have enough enemies .. that you very much. More than enough, actually. I do not need another. Nor I do not want another.

I'm looking for someone to love me, not to hate me. I'm looking for somebody to be kind to me .. not nasty.

Isnt everybody?

It takes a long time to build trust and it is surprisingly easy to lose.

And the best way to destroy trust in an intimate relationship is to attack your intimate partner and try to do them harm.

Go ahead and try it for yourself and you'll see exactly what I mean.

» Trust is a Key Component of Faith

From a scriptural standpoint, the ability to trust is crucial .. because trust is a key component of faith. When you have faith in someone, you trust them.

And faith is the thing that puts you in a right relationship with God. (It's not good works that does it.)

In other words .. trust is an important component of any meaningful relationship.

Time and again, the Lord is quoted as saying that it was, "According to your faith..." .. as being the key thing that allow people to receive the blessings of God.

That's not a coincidence. He did it on purpose. For a reason. For an important reason.

Some people think it's about how "hard" you pray.

Jesus never said, "Because you prayed so hard and so long .. be it done unto you .. because you obviously earned it."

Not even one time. Read the gospels and see for yourself. Dont take my word for it.

» Understanding vs Agreement

Remind me to talk about the idea of » understanding vs agreement.

It is okay to not agree with your lover on everything. If you are the type of person who can only be with someone who agrees with you on everything ..

.. uh, you are going to be a lonely person. Because there is no one out there who agrees with you on everything.

I have said to certain people, "Do you want me to lie and say that I agree with you that the sky is green? I honestly dont believe that. If you feel differently .. then, this is okay with me. I dont need you to agree with me on everything. In relationships, I need trust, not agreement. And if someone agrees with me on everything, then they are probably lying. So I dont want you to agree with me on everything. I'm okay with areas of disagreement. Arent you?"

But you definitely want to understand your lover .. so you know where they are coming from.

It is a long and wild journey .. really getting to know another soul.

» Tell Me that You Get Me

I recall that, back on Page Five (now a million years ago) I wrote to Ariana, saying » I can hear a voice inside of me saying to you, "Tell me that you get me .. and we'll be in love forever."

This is because you can't really be in love with someone who doesnt get you. I know this seems intuitively obvious, but the obvious bears mentioning.

People who dont take the time to really get to know their lover .. they tend to project their own value-structure onto others .. assuming that they are pretty-much like them.

But different people are very different .. by large orders of magnitude (.. from the satanic to the divine).

And if you dont really know your lover very well, then you might be offended by something that they say.

Whereas they meant no such thing as the way you took it .. because of the differences in experience and values.

What is important to you? Really important. And what is not important to you? And do your actions correspond to, and support your priorities? Do you have congruency between the two?

It's not easy, no. It's terribly difficult. Go ahead and give it a try and you'll see exactly what I mean. And it won't take you very long either.

My son told me straight up that he wanted his mom and dad together. "That's what I want," he said.

He didnt stutter when he said it. He didnt hesitate. Heck, he didnt even blink.

It didnt sound like an unreasonable request when he said it. I could certainly see his point.

But you cannot live with someone who cannot stop themselves from attacking you and who concocts falsehoods about you in their minds and then calls the police with these wildly fabricated stories in order to try to harm you and who wants to see you rotting in a jail cell somewhere.

The lawyers' fees alone from trying to defend yourself against such unending accusations will quickly bankrupt you. (Ask me how I know.)

I could so fall off into the mother-of-all rabbit holes here. Because I have thought a lot about these things. There is a haunting nature to them. This stuff goes very deep. In a number of ways.

» Correcting Dysfunctional Parenting or Repeating It with Your Own Kids

There is a thing, where some people, when they grow up and become parents themselves, correct in their own parenting practices the shortcomings and the dysfunctions that they suffered at the hands of their own parents.

While other parents seem to simply repeat the patterns-of-dysfunction that their own parents visited upon them. (Which they probably learned from their own parents.) Amy Adams knows what I am talking about.

Amy Adams talks about how parents pass down their dysfunctions to the next generation (at t=5:25)

[ She is an impressive actress. She has impressive skills. I dont think that it's as easy as she makes it look. This lady pictured with her is Gillian Flynn. She is a writer. I can feel myself interested in her .. because of the things that she writes about.

Gillian Flynn peers into the dark side of femininity (8 Nov 2018)

I am interested in what makes her tick. I am curious about her. I saw Gone Girl with Ben Affleck. That movie fucked me up for a few days. It seemed to hit a little too close to home.

There is definitely a psycho element to Gone Girl. I am familiar with psycho girls. I see from her Wikipedia page that she attended the same school of Journalism at Northwestern that Lauren did. ]

And sometimes these parents become even more dysfunctional than their own parents were .. adding their own special flavor of dysfunction to what they learned from their parents.

I dont really understand how a parent can repeat the very same behaviors with their own children that they suffered at the hands of their parents while they were growing up.

I have had people tell me things like, "I dont want my mother to raise my children," and "I never leave my children alone with my mother."

I mean, I can certainly see how a child who grew up in a dysfunctional home would become familiar with dysfunctional parenting techniques.

But what are they learning? Are they learning what things not to do to their own kids? Or are they really learning how to trick-fuck their own kids?

Anybody who grew up with shitty parents and then became good parents themselves .. I very much admire that. (Because I know how difficult it can be .. to turn around such things.)

» Loving with a Genuine Love Requires a Purified Soul

It may be worth noting here how this verse of scripture seems to be talking about how (paraphrasing) » loving with a genuine love comes from a soul that has been "purified" (.. by "obeying the truth" ).

This is actually a gigantic subject .. into which I could easily get lost .. seeing that I know quite a bit about love and loving. Particularly the genuine kind that Peter is referencing.

But my point here, and the reason why I am mentioning this verse here .. is because it seems to suggest that loving with a genuine love requires "purification".

This notion resonates with my own experience. And I can tell you that this "purifying" thing is not easy.

No, sir. Not hardly. Au contraire. It feels like your soul is being ripped apart. Or like a part of you is dying. In other words, it's not much fun.

Yet it is the thing that gives you the ability to love with a genuine love. So, what's the alternative?

» Some People are Easier to Love than Others

Punkin Pie watching Frances play Fancy PantsAnd yes, I understand that some people are easier to love than others.

Sure, I get that.

I get that better than most people.

Much better.

Much, much better.

I have consciously endeavored to love some people who were not very lovely ..

.. in order to explore this very topic in detail. In much detail.

I would love the unlovely with a similar mindset as the athlete in the gym lifting heavy weights .. in order to help build my love-muscles.

If you can genuinely love the unlovely .. then you can easily and more fully love the lovely. Try it and you'll see what I mean.

This is why I am able to speak to such things with the confidence and authenticity that comes with an abundance of firsthand experience.

Some people make you feel so loved .. while others manage to make you feel hated. From the satanic to the divine.

There is nothing quite like the feeling of being genuinely loved by a truly beautiful creature. The way that they are able to make you feel .. this is the thing that inspired me in that direction. I wanted to be able to make people feel like that.

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This page contains a single entry by Rad published on January 11, 2017 1:11 PM.

Connecting with the Soul Behind the Dazzle - Page Two was the previous entry in this blog.

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