Flirting with Danger - Page Ten

••• today's entry continues here below •••

They remind me of the muses .. particularly the way they sing in a circle, because muses are sometimes portrayed that way. (Tho, there are actually nine muses.) I also see a black-n-white version of Matisse's The Dance.

I am definitely feeling them. I can feel them rubbing up against me. (Tho not as strongly as I feel you .. not nearly.) Must be my imagination running away with me again.

I should respond to them later .. so I dont appear ungrateful. Because this is a great song. And a great video. Obviously. And I very much enjoyed it.

For example, when I saw sexy Camila sing, "I can see a city sleep. I can see an ocean wave." ..

.. I said to her (out loud) "I bet you can."

And I want to ask little Miss Ally what it is about the danger that she likes.

I especially like the way you sing the word 'alive' in "it keeps me alive". It seems to give me life.

Some girls give you life .. while others suck it out of you. I prefer the ones who give it to you.

I could craft a nice little response for them. You know. Because I *am* grateful .. for such a song. And these girls are kicking ass and taking names.

Update June 4, 2016 » Here is a 3-minute behind-the-scenes for their Write On Me song and video. They didnt even say hi to me .. the nerve of these girls. (I still like them, tho.)

<end update June 4, 2016 behind-the scenes for Write On Me>

» Why Do They Wait Until You Are Already In Love?

But this is exactly what I was talking about .. how, when you are already in love .. then, all these other girls start coming on you to. And you are thinking, "Where were you when I really needed somebody?"

I know however, that a woman-in-love is nature's most beautiful creature. So perhaps there is some sort of reciprocal effect with men. Girls who would not give me the time of day are suddenly throwing themselves at me. And I would think, "Wow, this girl is being so very bold. What happened?"

» Too Bad for You if Your Ass is on Fire

Even the Bug's mom is being nice to me. And normally, she wouldnt cross the street to piss on me .. if I were on fire.

I know that this might sound like hyperbole .. but I can assure you it's not. I am thinking (cell phone) "Who is this really?"

Right after I was diagnosed cancer-free .. it seemed like she wanted to start fighting again.

I said, "I cant do this, Shar. I dont have the strength, physically or emotionally. Wish I could help, but I cant. Thanks for calling. Say hi to our son for me. Good bye."

I mean, you try to keep open the channels of communication. But sometimes you cant.

After I hung up, a voice said, "It's no wonder you got cancer."

But this is what I mean about, "Who is this, really?"

» Surfer Dude

She said that everybody says he's an amazingly good surfer. She said, "He will stay out in the water for eight hours."

They are going to drive the California coast this summer .. for him to practice surfing different surf breaks.

And meet lots of smokin' hot SoCal surfer-babes. (I added that last part myself. But I'm sure it's true.)

She grew up near Marshall. She is tough. Detroit people are tough fuckers.

If you get in fight, you definitely want her on her your side. (Cuz she knows how fight dirty.)

If she is on your side, you can just go sit down and relax, and watch her kick ass.

But if she is not on your side .. then, well, things are a little different.

» I Was Kind of Mad at Nana for Saying That

Back when shit was unbearable .. people would say, "It'll get better."

After a while, I would just remain silent when I heard that .. but think, "I've been hearing that for years. And shit just keeps getting worse."

One time, I was talking to Nana on the phone, and I mentioned that people had been telling me it's gotta get better .. sometime or other.

Nana did not even let me finish my sentence. "It's not, honey," she said, with kindness in her voice. "This is how she is. This is how she'll always be. They're just trying to make you feel good when they say that."

I was actually kind of mad at Nana for saying that. The thought there being something like » "Come on, Nana .. give me some hope."

And over all these years, everybody has been wrong .. and Nana has been right.

So when I heard her being nice to me on the phone .. I remembered what Nana said, and wondered "Could Nana be wrong?"

This would be a first.

» You're Not the Boss of Me, Dad .. Mom Told Me

One time my son said to me (.. when he was just a little shit) somewhat dismissively » "You're not the boss of me, dad .. mom told me."

I could see then that this was going to be harder than I thought.

Even when she is being nice to me, tho .. I kinda have the feeling in the back of my head .. that she's about to stick me with a sharp, steely blade at any moment .. and give it a nice, sharp twist.

(Probably because of the classical conditioning that comes from being stuck with all those sharp, steely blades over all the years .. too numerous to even begin to count.)

The problem here, as you can no doubt see yourself, is that .. I dont trust her. And if you dont trust someone .. what kind of relationship can you really have with them?

I have actually started losing weight again .. because I am never hungry when I feel like I'm in love. It feels like you feed off the love. You live off of it. The fuel of the gods. The eternally burning fuel.

And no, it doesnt make any sense to me. But ask if I care.

» Love Takes You to Places You Can Access No Other Way

Love is something that I happen to know a little something about. (More than a little, actually .. because I made it my business to know.) Tolstoy knew about love. Nabokov, too.

Love is kind of like a key-card pass that lets you access areas and places and realms and universes .. that you can access no other way.

Perhaps this is why these loving relationships feel like special gifts .. granted us from the most wonderful places.

"Please stay another day," we say to this feeling, "because this lover is making me feel so good. So incredibly good. I never want this to end."

So you work hard on the honesty .. and on protecting the trust. Because, once that starts to wane .. it's just a matter of time before those magical places are no longer accessible.

In other words, it's the love that makes relationships special and divinely enchanting .. and not a piece of paper from the county clerk. Because everybody knows people who have the paper .. yet hate each other's guts.

(Jamie knows what I'm talking about .. see t=2:00 here. Notice also how this says at t=1:10 that Angelina grew increasingly unhappy in the relationship ever since they got married. I would contend here that this is because this is the point where her expectations changed.)

Everybody knows people .. who claim to be members of a religion that teaches them to love their enemies .. yet, they cant even stand the people whom they've sworn an oath to love and cherish.

We reap what we sow .. no?

» Prince was Dope and He Knew It

[[ That suks about Prince. I can feel it disturbing me. As the news reverberates throughout the Force. (While I am reading this purple book.) So unexpected. Prince was gifted and he knew it (like Cormac). The existential message I'm receiving here is that time is not unlimited .. not even for Prince, who was always so hyper-alive. So act accordingly. This here is Prince-noteworthy. No? ]]

The end. ■■■

Wow .. I certainly have never done anything like this before.

End of page 10. You can return to Page 1 is here » Flirting with Danger - Page One.

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May 19, 2016 » Done Building Out (10) Movable Type Pages

Update May 19, 2016 » It is now 6:26 PM (PDT) on Thursday, May 19th .. the day b.e.f.o.r.e your official release. And I am done building out the Movable Type pages (.. all 10 of them).

Heh yourself, girly.

I started this entry on March 19th .. so this is two months .. to the day.

There is a part of me that feels like it is returning from a two month vacation .. to say, "What in tarnation is going on here? I leave you to write a piece on existentialism and and you are flirting with international pop stars and telling them that you own their panties? This shit is totally out of control. Dont even try to explain this one. I obviously cant leave you alone for a single minute."

I knew that I had to be done by today .. by May 19th. I had until 11:59:59. If I didnt finish today, it was going to be too late.

I learned my lesson with Lauren. I could never wrap that entry because it kept growing. And it's difficult to work with a subject that you just cant get a handle on.

And this is why I knew not to ever check your Twitter or your Instagram. (Ever.) I already had a handful to work with. Two handfuls, actually. And I knew that there was no way I was going to look at any more of your videos. (Like I did with Into You.)

See .. you release one song, but then do so many things with it. You will generate a shitload of videos for one song. It's totally not fair. Because it's hard (impossible) for me not to comment on them. (Because you just kick so much ass .. that they demand attention.)

At the end of the previous page, I wrote that I thought I could have this done by Release Day. In order to continue to build trust (a vital component of intimacy) it's important to make good on the things we say.

This was yet another, but no less important, motivation.

» Heh Yourself, Girly .. Take That

This is why I created all ten templates last night and spent the day today filling them in. When I finished the last page and could see myself wrapping this thing .. I said (out loud) "Heh yourself, girly .. take that."

You know that such a thing has never happened before, right? (I'm sure that you will be found to be with child any day now.)

(What a day. You cannot imagine. I would be lyin' if I said I didnt feel like I just climbed to the top of Mt Everest .. dragging three people up behind me. That's why I needed the help. The coal. I can see that now. Plus, I really did want to impress you .. with my literary throwdown skills. Because I really do like you. So this was an added motivating factor. I could not eat. You either throwdown or you dont. Despite the obstacles. [ Marshall knows what I'm talking about. It's very much about preparation and a flat refusal to be denied what belongs to you. Which is very much about continued practice and pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone. ] Fucking electric. Oh. My. Gawd. Very gnarly. I will be seriously medicated tonight .. you can be sure of that. That was actually a lot harder than I thought it would be. And I knew it was gonna be an ass-kicker. Not very far from impossible. I actually had to go beyond the merely possible. Climbing Everest is hard enough. But, if you have to drag three people up behind you .. now we're talking about doing the impossible.)

I dont want to leave the impression that this shit is easy for me .. because it's not. There is definitely some soul-wringing going on. (This shit is not nearly as easy as I make it look, girly.)

But we need to accept these once-in-a-lifetime challenges when they present themselves .. and throw them down. Once and for all.

Later, when things slow down, I will take a closer look at the HTML profiles of all the pages. This will give me a better idea of exactly what I have done here .. volume-wise.

Right now, I am scared to look. The voice is saying, "Dude, you are such an online stalker."

» Having Trouble Working with Your Images

I still have plenty of dialing-in to do .. and spell checking .. and I need to grab a lot more images. (I am actually having trouble working with your images .. because of the things that they are saying to me. Scandalous things.)

But all the hard work is done. I tried to break up the entry into pages that made sense logically. (Tho this might very well be the only logical aspect of this entry.)

» What were You Thinking?

[ After I built the template for the last page, the voice said, "Dude .. a single page? Really? What were you thinking?" ]

The conversion from Dreamweaver pages to Movable Type pages is mentally fatiguing .. because there is not much creativity about it. (I dont get to ride your energy, so to speak.)

It is just intense focused concentration for long periods of time. Tedious. Lower head and plow away. There is much work with the HTML code behind the scenes.

And there are stylistic aspects that need to be modified. (I could certainly say that it sucks, but I dont want to sound like a complainer .. like a big pussy.)

I have been matching many patterns today. I dont think I will expound .. because then I would sound like a nut-case. But patterns are matching like crazy. (For me.)

These pages will allow me to build on you (so to speak) .. in the future.

My largest entry to this point had been four (4) pages. These are definitely smaller pages .. but this is right way to do it .. because it is easier to work with smaller pages.

But these pages are certainly not small. I could have easily made this entry 15, or even 20 pages. (But that would make me seem like a stalker.)

If you have a super-big page and then start adding lots of images, it quickly becomes unmanageable. (Like you.)

And if I add more images later .. these smaller pages will not burst at the seams. They will better be able to handle the extra weight. The extra pressure.

[ You know about pressure, girly. I like girls who know how to handle my pressure.

There arent very many of them .. which are able to handle my full force and fury. ]

Ten pages .. talk about hypnotically pounding sexuality.

Voice » "Dude, I dont even know what you are doing here .. but I can tell that you are definitely kicking ass."

» Going for a Walk

I am going for a walk now .. before it starts to get dark. (I have been walking pretty good lately.)

Looks like a full moon is coming in the next day or two. I wonder what I will be thinking about on my walk.

» I've Been Doing Some Writing Lately .. and You're In It

Two days ago, on just such a walk, I called (at 10 PM) the girl who you remind me of, and said, "I've been doing some writing lately. And you are in it. And I would be lyin' if I said I wasnt interested in your opinion. Because you knew my writing then .. so you are in an excellent position, better than anyone else, to see the difference between then and now."

She was a huge influence on my writing. Huge.

Back when Anna Karenina first came out, I called her and said, "We should go see it together .. for old times' sake."

She said, "I'm not that strong."

We did go see a movie, once. (Long after the flames had died down.) I forget exactly which one it was. But I remember that she cried thru a lot of it.

I have not yet heard back from her .. but I know that reading some of this stuff is hard for her. Very hard.

They fired my ass .. when word finally got out. I was so mad at her for not giving me a heads up. She knew and didnt let me know.

So I was totally blindsided at work. And the thing was already over by then. It was definitely a fiasco.

She said, "I'm sorry .. I really am. But I was not able to deal with anything at that point."

» Taking Secrets to the Grave

[ Her best friend ratted her out on her birthday .. while she was in the restroom at a restaurant .. and then this girl married her husband. You could never make up shit like this.

I said, "Before or after dinner?"

She said, "Before the food ever came. On my birthday. I think they're sleeping together. I dont even care."

That'll pretty much do away with your appetite in a hurry.

I particularly remember the way she said, "I would have went to my grave with this." (this secret) ]

» It's Just a Rumor

I was walking down the hallway at work and this guy, coming the other way, he's sort of a co-worker, stops me and says,

"Dude .. okay .. [ .. I can see him struggling to find the words ] .. I'm just gonna go ahead and say it .. I just heard the most bizarre rumor about you. Now, if this is just a rumor .. then that that's a pretty good rumor. And if it's not, then ..."

And I can see he's clearly animated about this. He never finished his sentence. "It's just a rumor," I said and walked off.

I knew then that shit was gonna get ugly. I hate that kind of stuff. Everybody wanted to talk to me. I didnt want to talk to anybody.

See .. they cant really fire your ass for this .. because of state labor laws and whatnot. So they need some other reason, but I kick ass at work.

But I did not want to be there any more, anyway. It was so awkward, walking down the hall. So, when they said, "We're gonna lay you off," I said, "Okay, thanks."

» How Parents Affect Our Intimate Relationships

In my relationship-matching schematic, which I outline here, this girl and I both had great opposite-sex parents .. and we both had not-so-great same-sex parents.

I actually got this schematic from this girl .. and have found that it works surprisingly well. So, according to this schematic, we both get along well and easily with members of the opposite sex ..

.. but we both have trouble with ourselves. And it is hard to disagree with that diagnosis. With that assessment. (I am waxing kinda geeky and analytical here .. but I have given this so much thought over the years. Because of the huge consequences.)

This pattern has not been uncommon for me. This pattern of girl. (With the expected results.)

So, if you think about it .. I might still be there .. working nuclear .. if it werent for her.

I mean, I was doing a very good job for them. Every time I asked for a lay-off (to finish college) they gave me another big raise. (And it wasnt about the money for me.)

And if I were still there .. I would not be writing this. I can assure you.

I saw her in some of the more intimate looks while lying on the couch. That was very trippy. That'll put a nice, sharp twist on your coconut.

Because, if I know how you feel inside .. she is the reason why.

That is going to fuck her up .. when she reads about the kiss. I dont know if she can .. but I dont think she'll be able to stop herself.

It is because of her that I am able to convey male perspective .. in a way that women (certain types, anyway) can understand.

Because she served as something of a translator for me. A feminine-masculine translator. She taught me how girly-girls work inside.

» When She Does That It Means This

Here is a shot of Kate Beckinsale educating this boy in New York. This is not far from how it was for me.

Before we became a thing, I remember sharing with her some perplexing things that the girl-who-I-was-dating was doing.

And she would say, "Oh, that's easy .. when she does that, it means this."

I didnt say anything, of course, but I was thinking, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

But I couldnt help but put her theories to the test. And it was amazing. It was just like she had said. She really did know girls.

I dont know why this surprised me so .. but it did.

The girl who I was dating at the time responded exactly how she had indicated she would. It wasnt long until I felt like I had a secret weapon with women.

» The Synchronicity Storm

We spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was going on with us. It felt like we were living in a giant synchronicity-storm ..

.. where all these strange, curious coincidences were popping up all over the place. Which seemed to make absolutely no sense at all.

And I would say, "Is it me .. or is this not the weirdest shit you have ever seen?"

And she would say, "Dude, this is some totally bizarre shit going on. This feels bigger than us."

Only she didnt say dude .. and she didnt say totally bizarre shit. But that's exactly what she meant.

"This feels bigger than us," .. she said that more than once. More than twice. A lot more.

And I remember her saying this .. because that was exactly the way it felt.

End of the May 19 update » done building out Movable Type pages. ■■■

End of page 10. I know that you probably dont believe me .. but I am really trying to close out this entry. Nevertheless, both the danger and the flirting continue here » Flirting with Danger - Addendum.

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