Flirting with Danger - Addendum Part One

••• today's entry continues here below •••

On your Vevo Presents, I started crying when I saw the flames run up. I am not really sure why I started crying, but being a know-thyself type-of-guy .. I have been giving it some thought.

I have many theories, but I'm still not really sure .. but I know that I was definitely feeling overwhelmed.

My emotions have been all fucked up lately. All over the map. After a while, I just roll with it .. cuz there's not much else I can really do.

Sometimes, when I am feeling tired or spent .. my emotions more easily get the best of me. And I fatigue much more easily these days.

Afterwards, I actually had a similar feeling to the one that I had with the engineer girl » "I didnt even know that girls like this existed."

I remembered back to when I wrote that I felt like there were ten of you. And the voice said, "There's a lot more than ten of her."

Where are you from? What galaxy? What dimension? What realm? What resonance frequency? Who are you really?

I would not say that I am in awe .. but I can tell you that awe is not very far.

The flames reminded me of the Dracula story .. which is deep for me. A love story. A special kind of love story. A supernatural, otherwordly kind of love story. And all-consuming, explosively powerful love.

And you can be sure that a vampire is never very far .. from a beautiful woman who dares to wear a choker.

Especially one with such a beautiful neck, and who makes such beautiful sounds .. with her beautiful throat.

» You Can Feel It Coming

The crowd starts screaming .. right before you go to that serious wailing that you do .. right after the guitar solo.

(I love that fucking guy .. please give him a kiss for me. "Dude, that is so totally the feeling. That serious distortion.")

They can sense it coming .. they can feel it coming. The sense of anticipation that you are able to create ...

They are looking for something sturdy to grab hold of .. because they know it's coming. It is downright electric.

I know that there were probably no cockroaches there in that club .. but if there were .. those little fuckers would be running for cover .. fast as their little feet can carry them. Because they can feel it coming, too.

That is such an amazingly awesome thing.

I do not want to put words into your mouth .. but when you break into that woo-woo thing that you do .. right before (and sometimes after) you go to serious wailing ..

.. that woo-woo thing that you do .. it fucks me up. I am not sure why .. but it is like the sound of your soul singing.

It kinda incapacitates my ass for a pause. Like I'm paralyzed or something.

But it speaks to me at this level .. oh, I should not go there now. Maybe later. It's like I feel like I am in love with the thing behind that woo-woo.

But the woo-woo whirling thingie is like your way of sounding the alarm .. that some serious gnarly shit is coming .. and "I am getting ready to light this bitch up. So you might wanna grab hold of something sturdy. Woo-woo."

They can feel the electricity in the air. They can feel it building. And oh, what a feeling it is.

» You Somehow Make Me Feel Less Alone in the World

What does that feel like? .. right when you are getting ready to throwdown? It is definitely some climactic shit. It is truly awesome.

In the light of the flames, I heard Marshall say, "That bitch is all lit up now .. aint she?"

I like everything about you. You somehow make me feel less alone in the world. I bet that Reese Witherspoon knows exactly what I am talking about.

Probably Rita Ora, too.

There are very few people who make me feel like that. There is a part of me that is seriously freaked out.

» You Might Have to Up Your Game

I later went for a walk and a voice said, "Dude, this girl is bringing the shit. She talks about playing a game .. but she is not playing. You might have to up your game."

This Fraules girl knows what I am talking about.

This dancer is so sexy. Is she Russian? Ukranian?

When I write about needing to up my game, I bet that Prince Harry knows exactly what I am talking about (at t=3:50).

Oh my God .. they are so cute together. Doesnt that make your heart sing? Just knowing that such things are possible? It means that there's still hope.

This is a good thing .. when your secret lover challenges and inspires you to up your game. (Too many girls try to beat you down to their level.)

Have you noticed that this page is titled 'Addendum'? That's because the voice said, "Dude, if you number this page 11, then is will quickly become 12-13-14. You know how you are."

So this is my way of closing out this entry .. so that it doesnt go on forever. Super-good things like this never last very long .. dont you think?

Because this is some seriously cool shit. I would be lyin' if I said that I didnt really feel like I was in love.

I mean, I dont feel like I should be .. yet I am. What can you do with this? Do you deny how you feel? If it makes no sense? 

I cant read any more of that Existential book .. because it makes me think of you. I sit down with it outside and start thinking about things .. about this, that and the other (should I elaborate?) and I never even open the book.

My mom once said to me, when I was very small, while we were driving in the car,

"Honey, dont get involved with girls until you finish your education .. because I met your father and I couldnt concentrate on my school work any more. I was so in love with your father."

This was when we were driving by the school where she went growing up (attached to a Catholic church).

Sounds like the voice of experience.

» Moving On to Nietzsche

I have since moved on to Nietzsche .. who is about (for me) .. well, maybe I should tell you that later.

Have you noticed that I havent even mentioned your Vevo Into You? Wow .. I'll tell you later. (Meet me at our secret rendezvous at midnight.)

When I heard you say, "I'll never forget it." .. I whispered, "I believe you."

I also said, "I believe you," when you said that you felt appreciative of the feedback.

The thing is .. you really are that good. I am not just blowing sunshine up your skirt.

Kudos to whoever put the street sign in at t=0:40 .. I am feeling that person. Nice touch. Puts you there.

» Honesty a Priority for Intimacy

In this new phase, Ariana, of our ever-lasting secret romantic relationship .. I want to ensure that honesty remains something of a priority.

So, I should tell you that, after the flames went up .. and I was thinking about those flames .. there was a voice somewhere back there that said, "If that was her idea, then I'm gonna wanna have sex with her right away."

Give me points for honesty. Honesty breeds intimacy. Intimacy breeds all kinds of things .. most of which are unspeakable.

March 24, 2016 » Right before bed last night, I saw the link to your new Into You.

The voice of reason said, "Dude, you should not watch this now. It's bedtime. You are tired. Watch it tomorrow. Because you know she's gonna fuck you up."

I couldnt help myself.

» Dont Underestimate Her

Afterwards, I heard a voice saying to me, "Why do I feel like you are in a perpetual state of overwhelm? This girl is fucking you up. She knows where you live. And she's obviously coming for your ass. And she's loaded for bear. I have never seen you like this before. This is no ordinary slayer. Dont underestimate her."

It's happening.

Then I heard "This girl has a whole pack of ninjas helping her to kick your ass. You cannot compete with that. Nobody can. Nobody human. This is losing proposition. You cannot win. You should just concede defeat now and go lick your wounds."

We have been to places that look just like those in the video. Her folks had a vacation place out in the desert and we would steal away for the weekend.

This was probably the first time I could really relax with her. It felt more normal and less secret, and I really liked that.

And plus the desert just does something to you. Things melt off you quickly in 104-degee heat. But the desert nights .. oh, baby.

Driving under a desert sky saturated with stars .. in the Porsche, with the targa top off .. I cannot possibly express to you how cool that was.

Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air. Perhaps some time I will try to describe the transcendent feeling of our time(s) in the desert.

» The Billboard Music Awards Medley

I just saw your Billboard Medley.

Oh my God. That was a biggie.

Emotionally thermonuclear.

Right when it started, a voice said, "Dude, you should probably lie down first."

So I paused it and laid down first and watched it lying down.

Afterwards, I said to the voice (out loud), "That was good idea."

I am pretty fucked up right now. I have never seen anything like that. I am feeling rather confused. I cant stop crying.

How is this even possible?

I noticed that I was saying, "Oh my God," a lot.

When I saw you touch yourself while singing about the "temperature rising in here" .. I thought about how I wrote » "Does it dampen your panties? Moisten them maybe?" [ which a part of me cant believe I actually wrote ]

And a voice said, "I think she's saying that it does."

I gathered myself together enough to get properly medicated and then played it over ..

.. and stopped it at 42 seconds and cried like a baby.

Actually, babies dont cry this hard.

And I learned with David Foster Wallace ..

.. that you dont want to interrupt the cry, once it starts.

Because that fucks you up even worse. I was fucked for several days after that .. with the weirdest feeling.

Because I thwarted it.

If somebody told me that I was in a funk for a week, I would believe them.

So I knew that this is a bad thing to do.

But I had been crying so much .. and it is just so exhausting .. so emotionally exhausting. I really didnt want to cry any more.

So I knew enough to just let this thing do its thing. And I knew it was a lot. (I did not feel ready for it, no. But I had no choice.)

I cried for a long time.

I'm not even gonna tell you how long I was crying.

Because I'm a little embarrassed about it.

This is the type of crying where you actually make lots of noise.

(I had perfected the art of silent-crying.)

I have not cried like that in a long time.

(The last time I cried like that .. was when I was missing my son real bad.)

This is the kind of crying that you do when you are really fucked up.

I was crying so hard when I noticed that I was in the bathroom.

The voice says, "Dude, what are you doing in the bathroom?"

I didnt know why I was crying in the bathroom.

I couldnt even remember going into the bathroom.

"How did I get here?" I wondered.

I am so glad that everybody went out for dinner. (They said that they'd bring me something back. But, if they ask "What's the matter?" .. what am I supposed to say?)

I am trying not to look in a mirror cuz I probably look a mess. I bet that Carrie knows exactly what I am talking about.

Many parts of me feel numb. What is going on?

» You're Not Alone in the World

This is kind of what I was talking about .. how it just feels so good to know that somebody gets the real you. You're not alone in the world.

I think that everybody feels alone in the world .. at some time or other. Dont you? And some might feel this way more often than just every now-n-then.

I paused you at the very end.

Wow, you were seriously lit up.

Danger: High Voltage.

Electric lady 2016. (You look like you are in love.)

» Thank God for this Girl

I am so blown away.

I felt something inside thanking God for you.

The last time I thanked God for anybody, it was for James Joyce .. if that means anything to you.

[ I also thanked God for the Clinical Trials girl .. and I meant that, too. ]

I had the same feeling that I did with my last cell-mate » "Dude, you are making me cry."

End of Addendum Part One. Part Two is here » Flirting with Danger - Addendum Part Two.

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