[ Rad note » this page is a continuation from here » Flirting with Danger - Page Ten. ]
I saw you on GMA release day.
I see that you are feeling me. You are feeling my energy.
(I look good on you. You wear me well.)
And the things you are doing with it .. with my energy. You touch my soul.
You are obviously feeling good.
You actually look like you are in love.
You look so amazingly happy .. like every cell in your body is happy.
That makes me feel so good .. you cannot imagine. (Or maybe you can.)
See .. some girls I am good for. I am trying to learn the difference .. which ones I am good for, and which ones I am not.
I loved the GMA choker.
» Working Well for Me
I dont mind telling you .. that this is working for me. Working well. This thing we have .. this secret thing.
Already we are a good team. (Same-same, two-of-a-kind. You know.)
Didnt I tell you that writers and singers go well together? .. like peanut butter and jelly? (I'm pretty sure I did.)
On a walk earlier today, a voice said, "Dude, you got it bad for this girl."
I said, "Are you trying to tell me something that I dont already know?"
Another voice said, "She's got a whole pack of ninjas .. helping her to kick your ass. So you shouldnt feel too bad."
She has some of the best socials skills I've seen. I bet she is very easy to be with. I'm sure she is.
I've been with her myself a few times .. you know. Maybe even more than a few. (Totally scandalous, I know.)
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••• today's entry continues here below •••
I have many theories, but I'm still not really sure .. but I know that I was definitely feeling overwhelmed.
My emotions have been all fucked up lately. All over the map. After a while, I just roll with it .. cuz there's not much else I can really do.
Sometimes, when I am feeling tired or spent .. my emotions more easily get the best of me. And I fatigue much more easily these days.
Afterwards, I actually had a similar feeling to the one that I had with the engineer girl » "I didnt even know that girls like this existed."
I remembered back to when I wrote that I felt like there were ten of you. And the voice said, "There's a lot more than ten of her."
Where are you from? What galaxy? What dimension? What realm? What resonance frequency? Who are you really?
I would not say that I am in awe .. but I can tell you that awe is not very far.
The flames reminded me of the Dracula story .. which is deep for me. A love story. A special kind of love story. A supernatural, otherwordly kind of love story. And all-consuming, explosively powerful love.
And you can be sure that a vampire is never very far .. from a beautiful woman who dares to wear a choker.
Especially one with such a beautiful neck, and who makes such beautiful sounds .. with her beautiful throat.
» You Can Feel It Coming
The crowd starts screaming .. right before you go to that serious wailing that you do .. right after the guitar solo.
(I love that fucking guy .. please give him a kiss for me. "Dude, that is so totally the feeling. That serious distortion.")
They can sense it coming .. they can feel it coming. The sense of anticipation that you are able to create ...
They are looking for something sturdy to grab hold of .. because they know it's coming. It is downright electric.
I know that there were probably no cockroaches there in that club .. but if there were .. those little fuckers would be running for cover .. fast as their little feet can carry them. Because they can feel it coming, too.
That is such an amazingly awesome thing.
I do not want to put words into your mouth .. but when you break into that woo-woo thing that you do .. right before (and sometimes after) you go to serious wailing ..
.. that woo-woo thing that you do .. it fucks me up. I am not sure why .. but it is like the sound of your soul singing.
It kinda incapacitates my ass for a pause. Like I'm paralyzed or something.
But it speaks to me at this level .. oh, I should not go there now. Maybe later. It's like I feel like I am in love with the thing behind that woo-woo.
But the woo-woo whirling thingie is like your way of sounding the alarm .. that some serious gnarly shit is coming .. and "I am getting ready to light this bitch up. So you might wanna grab hold of something sturdy. Woo-woo."
They can feel the electricity in the air. They can feel it building. And oh, what a feeling it is.
» You Somehow Make Me Feel Less Alone in the World
What does that feel like? .. right when you are getting ready to throwdown? It is definitely some climactic shit. It is truly awesome.
In the light of the flames, I heard Marshall say, "That bitch is all lit up now .. aint she?"
There is a part of me that is seriously freaked out.
» You Might Have to Up Your Game
I later went for a walk and a voice said, "Dude, this girl is bringing the shit. She talks about playing a game .. but she is not playing. You might have to up your game."
This is a good thing .. when your secret lover challenges and inspires you to up your game. (Too many girls try to beat you down to their level.)
Have you noticed that this page is titled 'Addendum'? That's because the voice said, "Dude, if you number this page 11, then is will quickly become 12-13-14. You know how you are."
So this is my way of closing out this entry .. so that it doesnt go on forever. Super-good things like this never last very long .. dont you think?
Because this is some seriously cool shit. I would be lyin' if I said that I didnt really feel like I was in love.
I mean, I dont feel like I should be .. yet I am. What can you do with this? Do you deny how you feel? If it makes no sense?
I cant read any more of that Existential book .. because it makes me think of you. I sit down with it outside and start thinking about things .. about this, that and the other (should I elaborate?) and I never even open the book.
My mom once said to me, when I was very small, while we were driving in the car,
"Honey, dont get involved with girls until you finish your education .. because I met your father and I couldnt concentrate on my school work any more. I was so in love with your father."
This was when we were driving by the school where she went growing up (attached to a Catholic church).
Sounds like the voice of experience.
» Moving On to Nietzsche
I have since moved on to Nietzsche .. who is about (for me) .. well, maybe I should tell you that later.
When I heard you say, "I'll never forget it." .. I whispered, "I believe you."
I also said, "I believe you," when you said that you felt appreciative of the feedback.
The thing is .. you really are that good. I am not just blowing sunshine up your skirt.
Kudos to whoever put the street sign in at t=0:40 .. I am feeling that person. Nice touch. Puts you there.
» Honesty a Priority for Intimacy
In this new phase, Ariana, of our ever-lasting secret romantic relationship .. I want to ensure that honesty remains something of a priority.
So, I should tell you that, after the flames went up .. and I was thinking about those flames .. there was a voice somewhere back there that said, "If that was her idea, then I'm gonna wanna have sex with her right away."
Give me points for honesty. Honesty breeds intimacy. Intimacy breeds all kinds of things .. most of which are unspeakable.
March 24, 2016 » Right before bed last night, I saw the link to your new Into You.
The voice of reason said, "Dude, you should not watch this now. It's bedtime. You are tired. Watch it tomorrow. Because you know she's gonna fuck you up."
I couldnt help myself.
» Dont Underestimate Her
Afterwards, I heard a voice saying to me, "Why do I feel like you are in a perpetual state of overwhelm? This girl is fucking you up. She knows where you live. And she's obviously coming for your ass. And she's loaded for bear. I have never seen you like this before. This is no ordinary slayer. Dont underestimate her."
Then I heard "This girl has a whole pack of ninjas helping her to kick your ass. You cannot compete with that. Nobody can. Nobody human. This is losing proposition. You cannot win. You should just concede defeat now and go lick your wounds."
We have been to places that look just like those in the video. Her folks had a vacation place out in the desert and we would steal away for the weekend.
This was probably the first time I could really relax with her. It felt more normal and less secret, and I really liked that.
And plus the desert just does something to you. Things melt off you quickly in 104-degee heat. But the desert nights .. oh, baby.
Driving under a desert sky saturated with stars .. in the Porsche, with the targa top off .. I cannot possibly express to you how cool that was.
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air. Perhaps some time I will try to describe the transcendent feeling of our time(s) in the desert.
» The Billboard Music Awards Medley
I just saw your Billboard Medley.
Oh my God. That was a biggie.
Right when it started, a voice said, "Dude, you should probably lie down first."
So I paused it and laid down first and watched it lying down.
Afterwards, I said to the voice (out loud), "That was good idea."
I am pretty fucked up right now. I have never seen anything like that. I am feeling rather confused. I cant stop crying.
How is this even possible?
I noticed that I was saying, "Oh my God," a lot.
When I saw you touch yourself while singing about the "temperature rising in here" .. I thought about how I wrote » "Does it dampen your panties? Moisten them maybe?" [ which a part of me cant believe I actually wrote ]
And a voice said, "I think she's saying that it does."
.. and stopped it at 42 seconds and cried like a baby.
Actually, babies dont cry this hard.
And I learned with David Foster Wallace ..
.. that you dont want to interrupt the cry, once it starts.
Because that fucks you up even worse. I was fucked for several days after that .. with the weirdest feeling.
Because I thwarted it.
If somebody told me that I was in a funk for a week, I would believe them.
So I knew that this is a bad thing to do.
But I had been crying so much .. and it is just so exhausting .. so emotionally exhausting. I really didnt want to cry any more.
So I knew enough to just let this thing do its thing. And I knew it was a lot. (I did not feel ready for it, no. But I had no choice.)
I cried for a long time.
I'm not even gonna tell you how long I was crying.
Because I'm a little embarrassed about it.
This is the type of crying where you actually make lots of noise.
(I had perfected the art of silent-crying.)
I have not cried like that in a long time.
(The last time I cried like that .. was when I was missing my son real bad.)
This is the kind of crying that you do when you are really fucked up.
The voice says, "Dude, what are you doing in the bathroom?"
I didnt know why I was crying in the bathroom.
I couldnt even remember going into the bathroom.
"How did I get here?" I wondered.
I am so glad that everybody went out for dinner. (They said that they'd bring me something back. But, if they ask "What's the matter?" .. what am I supposed to say?)
I am trying not to look in a mirror cuz I probably look a mess.
Many parts of me feel numb. What is going on?
» You're Not Alone in the World
This is kind of what I was talking about .. how it just feels so good to know that somebody gets the real you. You're not alone in the world.
Wow, you were seriously lit up.
Danger: High Voltage.
Electric lady 2016. (You look like you are in love.)
» Thank God for this Girl
I am so blown away.
The last time I thanked God for anybody, it was for James Joyce .. if that means anything to you.
End of Addendum Part One. Part Two is here » Flirting with Danger - Addendum Part Two.
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