[ Rad note » this page is a continuation from here » Flirting with Danger - Addendum Part One. ]
» Sent Home Because Her Dress Was Too Short
I am going to tell you how this performance reminded me of my first girlfriend, in sixth grade .. who had just transferred here from Italy. Her english was decent.
And this was the first year of middle school .. so now we have kids from all over the whole town .. and not just from my little end of the town.
I wasnt going to tell this, but it keeps returning .. as tho it wants to be told. Persistent.
But my punch line is that she was sent home from school .. for wearing a scandalously short dress one Friday.
A beautiful little dress .. sort of a body-hugging thing that seemed to grab her butt. She was downright stunning and more womanly than girly.
» How Can You Possibly Compete When You Can't Even Breathe?
She took my breath away wearing that little thing. And I most certainly did not feel up to the challenge. Not hardly. I mean, how can you possibly compete .. if you cant even breathe?
Such a thing had never happened before, far as I recall .. a girl being sent home because her dress was too short. I certainly had never heard of such a thing.
Later she said, "I just wanted to look pretty for you." (with her cute, little Italian accent).
She always wanted me to write love letters to her and tell her how I felt about her. I must've written her 100 love letters.
I know what you're thinking » "Obviously time well spent."
Even the eighth graders were jealous.
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••• today's entry continues here below •••
Not sure, but I think my point here is that .. I felt like they were going to send you home .. because your dress was too short. Even tho I really liked it a lot myself. And even tho it made me feel real good .. to see you wearing it. You took my breath away and made me feel very proud. Certainly, every boy in this school is jealous .. no matter what the grade (6-7-8). While I have been writing you all these secret love letters.
» What Kind of Creature Makes Such Sounds?
That woo-woo thing you do at the end .. that is amazing. It catapults me toward Nirvana. You cannot possibly know what it does to me.
The feeling is like, "I dont know what kind of creature makes a sound a like that .. but I definitely want to find out. Because this is obviously a beautiful and rare and special creature. And if it is possible for me to mate with this creature .. then we will be making many love-babies. Starting soon as possible."
I saw Stevie Wonder feeling you. (But he didnt see me.)
Or perhaps, he was just trying to figure out how to get in your pants.
What are you thinking here, Harry?
You are obviously thinking something very deep.
I think it's safe to say that you have his attention.
This image spoke to me .. because I know that feeling. (All too well.)
Now that you are in love, all the guys are going to start coming on to you.
Watch-n-see. It's the weirdest thing.
That choreography .. wow. I dont care who you are .. that was totally impressive.
I caught myself analyzing the timing .. of the different places and movements. Rich and luscious things I saw.
Those slow steps that you take when you first walk out .. oh, my God. Those steps are so slow that I felt something bending inside. Because that speaks c.o.n.f.i.d.e.n.c.e to me.
And confidence always make you want to look closer .. to see exactly what is behind such confidence. I could feel the wild animal in me crouching into attack position.
In his head, this wild animal is thinking, "I am so getting me some of this tasty morsel .. that was foolish enough to walk by me so slowly. She wont even know what hit her. I am taking her down and going straight for the throat. She will surely twitch and writhe .. but not for long."
I am a confident person myself. ( Too confident, some might argue. I have had girlfriends say to people mid-sentence, "Please dont stoke his ego any more .. he doesnt need it. It's already out of control." And I would say, "Dont listen to her .. go ahead and stoke away." )
And when you first meet a new person .. there is some testing of the water going on. Because you want to see what this person is made of .. so you can determine how far you can take them. (Or how far they can take you.)
Now, when I was young, girls were taking me left-n-right to places I never imagined. But then I learned their tricks. And then I started taking them to some places of my own. (Welcome to my world, girly.)
I'm not sure, but I think that my point here is » something inside of me wants to test you .. to see what you're made of .. so I can determine exactly how far I can take you. (Think about it.)
But, when you have the goods like you do .. testing is a lot more fun. (More like an opportunity to show off.)
When you do that little dealy-o that you do at "fall in deep" ..
.. that is very cool. Very.
That kind of shit gets a guy's attention right away.
There is a point, before you turn away from the camera ..
.. where you actually turn to your left and open up to the camera, where you GO PAST the point where you are facing (shoulders perpendicular to) the camera.
You are past perpendicular for the shortest time .. and that is where you begin to turn away from the camera .. while you are heading to the back there.
I have actually reviewed this a few times to see why it drives me so crazy. And it is where you go past the perpendicular-to-the-camera point .. that just makes something in me leap up.
Something ferociously aggressive.
Whoever choreo'ed the little dealy-o that do you there at "fall-in-deep" .. this person knows how to evoke this aggressiveness in me.
(I am learning your tricks, girly. You are good .. I readily admit it. Girls that can evoke this aggressiveness are definitely dangerous.)
And then, when you turn away and twirl out your hair like that ..
.. oh, I felt the panther jump and say, "Fuck the tranquilizer darts .. I'm taking that down right now. They will have to pry me off her."
» A More Personal Love Grows Out of Increased Trust
It's kind of hard to describe, and it certainly makes no sense .. but, before today, I felt like I was in love with you .. in the traditional sort of way.
But now, after seeing this performance .. I can feel my trust for you grow (considerably). And now, probably because of this trust thing .. I feel like I love you. You the person .. personally.
I told you it makes no sense.
I am not going to say that I love you .. but it definitely feels that way.
It's not like anything felt lacking before .. but this definitely feels more personal. The change is obvious.
But I know you are feeling this thing .. because I see you lit up like a Christmas tree.
Sometimes I drive myself nuts .. trying to figure things out. [ How do you turn matter into energy? ]
Speaking of James Joyce .. I am very much feeling here an avant garde thing going on .. which is basically » you make it up as you go. The freedom of creativity.
In the back of my head right now, there is a big discussion going on .. trying to decide whether you are a kindred spirit. I will let them continue to debate it .. because you and I already know.
Did I tell you that I felt something inside thanking God for you?
Heh yourself, girly.
Are you scared yet? (You probably should be.)
Should we stop? Should we continue? Dare we?
It is a little scandalous. Probably even more than a little.
Definitely more than a little, now that you are touching yourself like that.
I'm surprised that they didnt send you home .. because your dress was certainly very short.
If I were the principle, I would have you sent to my office .. for some much needed discipline.
If we go much further, I cant be responsible for what happens. Because, once the kraken gets lose and the claws come out, you are no longer dealing with a rational human being.
I saw you wearing your ninja ass-kicking outfit. Totally appropriate for the business at hand.
And I saw you giving me the secret Illuminati Princess hand signs. I see you're still a level O-3.
Look at you sending me all these secrets signs. I love that shit. That is what secret lovers do.
This girl, who you remind me of .. she schooled my ass on how you do this, saying, "If you dont act like anything is going on, nobody will think anything."
But the secret lovers have their own secret communications .. unnoticed right there in front of everybody. I learned a lot of stuff from her.
And when you stand and sing 'yeah' .. after 'waiting for you to make a move'. I definitely felt that. Somewhere deep. I dont even know where that place is .. yet you made me feel it anyway.
What a voice you have. (Your insurance company isnt going to let me anywhere near your neck .. at least, not without a loaded tranquilizer dart-gun handy.)
But you dont do this same 'yeah' thing .. when you sing this same song a few days earlier for Vevo Presents. (I see how you work, girly-girl. I see your tricks.)
And you lower the mic and throw this bad-ass look.
And it is totally believable .. especially after the way you sing 'yeah' like that.
And the way you stand up to say this .. it's like you are saying, "You hear me."
That's serious Illuminati Ninja Princess ass-kicking shit right there.
That shit turns me on something ferocious.
I must really have a thing for powerful women .. because I can feel it taking me.
I can feel a part of me here trying to figure out how to tackle you .. without getting hit by any tranquilizer darts.
And I saw you heh-yourselfing .. and I think that's the moment when I started loving you in this more personal way.
More trusting. And you seemed to be in no big hurry about getting there, either.
And your smile after singing "made too many mistakes" .. that looked very genuine to me. Welcome to the club, girly.
"She likes when you talk to her out loud."
I went back and found where I wrote that ..
and was surprised to see this sentence at the end of a section titled » A Special, One-of-a-Kind Unity.
And a voice immediately said » "Maybe the idea of a special, one-of-a-kind unity .. makes her smile."
See .. there is some interpretation here. And I admit that I suck at understanding girly-girls. Because it always seems like they are saying such crazy things to me.
This is kind of where I am at figuring out girly-girls » "Okay, dude .. when a girl smiles, this means that she likes something. She likes the idea of something. We may not be sure exactly what it is that she likes, but we know that she likes something .. probably the way you welcomed her to your club. Or maybe she just thinks you're a funny fucker. Which you are. You know you are. You cant deny it."
I could hear the wow girl saying, "Are guys really this stupid? Notice how she is touching one guy .. but looking in the opposite direction. And she is smiling in that direction. Key words » touching and looking. Think about it, Einstein .. and we'll talk more later. It'll come to you .. give it time."
These secret encoded messages .. I can feel them working me. I mean, it is an intimate level of communication .. is it not? .. a communication that two lovers and only these two lovers know about.
It certainly feels intimate to me. (And there hasnt been very many ways in which I havent been intimate.)
Speaking of which .. when you touch yourself while making that little sound you do right before singing, "This might take some time," ..
.. the video switches to a far-view. Obviously this was too scandalous for them to bring a closer shot.
I mean, they were pretty far out on that shot .. but you could hear the girls squeal and shriek with scandal.
That was one of the oh-my-god moments. This is very bold shit that you are doing.
» Emotional Aftermath
March 25, 2016 » Late last night, after writing the stuff written there yesterday, and being focused on you for much of the day .. I saw that Fifth Harmony had released some new songs at Billboard.
So I finally found what I was looking for .. and right when the video started playing .. the dang laptop just died. It didnt even auto-boot. It just died dead. It completely shut off. The room became quiet. (So I left it shut off and went to sleep. I have still not seen that video.)
And the voice says, "Dude, look .. even your laptop doesnt want you looking at other girls."
(Either that, or your ninjas are fucking with me. How many ninjas do you have, by the way, helping you to kick my ass? Because it feels like a lot.)
Oh, look .. the Times posted a piece on Nabokov and Lolita (March 24). I think that they feel me, too. Because, many times they will publish cool pieces about the very stuff I am writing.
I have not yet read it. I want to set aside the proper time and space to digest it properly (.. undistracted by hotties).
And here is an article about reading books for summer that begins by quoting Nabokov.
» Hauntingly Beautiful
That intro you did .. playing the vocoder .. that was one of the coolest things I've ever seen. It made me cry. Hard. Very hard.
Hauntingly beautiful. Downright sublime. Forever grateful.
I am still feeling emotional today .. but getting better. (Waves coming less frequently and less severely.)
This morning I was still very emotional. My emotions have been all fucked up since treatment. Like a roller coaster.
I just roll with it. It used to freak me out. Not much freaks me out any more.
You must never sleep. A part of me is convinced that there must really be three of you.
One of the voices said, "That's what it means when a woman is a level O-3 Illuminati Princess .. it means that there are three of them. You think this shit is bad? .. wait 'til she gets to level 4."
(Tho, there is only one of me .. you can be sure of that. With many voices under my command.)
I caught myself wondering about how far I should take this thing .. now that the original ten pages are active and even an addendum (which is growing rapidly).
And I heard, "You should take it all the way."
And I said, "What does that mean?"
Do you know what that means?
» Pair Annihilation
Why am I suddenly thinking about pair annihilation? I have not thought about pair annihilation in like forever.
I would be lying if I said that I didnt think of you when I read that heading. ( Heh yourself, girly. )
If I am whipping pair-annihilation on your ass .. this tells me, in an existential sort of way ..
.. that you are in for the ride of your life. I just feel like I should warn you.
I am not trying to heighten the sense of anticipation .. but sometimes it's hard not to.
But for now, the thing to remember is that there is » light given off .. in the process. High energy light.
I went for another little walk this evening. And I felt something inside praying for you .. which went something like this » "Open me a window .. and pour out on her .. and do that cool signature thing you do, too. I know you hear me."
[ I would be lying if I said that I didnt somehow feel like this thing was w.a.i.t.i.n.g for me.
"Open me a window?" .. I dont talk like this.
What could this mean? Your guess is good as mine. Run with it .. and see where it takes you.
It was a similar thing here.
This was not mere mentally agreement .. which I used to think was (true-heart) believing.
It actually felt more like a command .. than a request. Maybe even a demand. (This is one more thing that makes you dangerous, girly.)
The feeling that comes with such a thing .. could be compared to the feeling that came when I let those fast-balls fly .. with such ferocious abandon » there was no way of knowing for certain exactly where this thing would end up. But I had a pretty good idea. And I knew that the person of the receiving end would be most impressed with my effort and my skill and probably a few other things.
This thing surprised me so much .. because a part of me could see the thing that it was. And I thought (with a such a thing), "There's gotta be some doubt around here somewhere."
So I looked around .. searching for doubt .. even a little, maybe. And I could find none anywhere. And that's when I knew.
What did I know, you ask? You'll see, girly .. you'll see.
While I am already sounding like a nut-case here .. why go half way? See .. the reason why this thing felt like a gift ..
(if anybody knows about gifts, girly, you do) .. but the reason why it felt like a gift ..
.. is because it felt like I had a very limited window-of-opportunity. It was like a 4 or 5 step walk-up, and there was a baseball waiting there for me, so to speak.
And I added that signature part myself .. just for you, girly. (Because I like you.)
If this sounds too cosmic or too crazy for you .. then we'll just blame it on the chemo. (I blame a lot of things of the chemo .. probably because it's easy to do.)
But, when I threw it, I knew I had thrown a nice pitch. Real nice
But I had to throw it right then and there .. at that exact time. Or the thing was gone forever. That particular thing.
Does that sound crazy to you? It sounds crazy to me .. so I dont see how it cannot sound crazy to you. (Unless you are crazy, too.) ]
Why does this feel like the easiest thing I've ever done?
And I can tell you, girly-girl .. that there is no force in the universe .. that can stop this thing. (Because it is More-Than-Enough.)
There will certainly be forces that try .. probably many of them .. but I know that they will not be able to stop it.
You will recognize these forces .. because you will watch them be mowed down .. right before your very eyes. It's very cool how this works.
So, you might wanna look around .. for something sturdy to grab hold of.
It's kind of like surfing .. you ride the wave. Let it work .. let it do its thing. Let it take you and ride it. ( I know what you are thinking » "I bet he says that to all the girls." )
» Broader Deeper Fuller
I can tell you that I hit new ground today. I dont know what that means .. but you know when you arrive at a place where you have never been before. Such clarity.
This is a different kind of love here. The in-love feeling from before is very cool, where every cell in your body feels happy.
But this love here .. it is a broader, deeper, fuller kind of love. You have the feeling that your lover is here with you .. more than they are out there exciting you, and making you feel like you are in love.
But the thing that strikes me about this kind of love .. is that, you feel like this person (whom you know and like and trust and respect and admire) .. actually knows you (even your faults and shortcomings) and likes you and trusts you and respects you.
This feels so fucking good. This feels like the thing I have been looking for .. all my life.
Heh yourself, girly.
Sing me song and I'll tell you a story.
Your secret writer-lover
Writers and singers forever
PS - the kraken says to say hi for him.
PSS - Did you know that Tolstoy's wife (Sofia) rewrote all his new daily writing for him every night .. and that she was a major influence in his writing, and that some people feel that this is the reason why Anna Karenina is the greatest novel of all time .. in any language .. ever .. did you know this? Sophia would say things like, "Tatiana would never say such a thing .. you silly man."
The end. ■
» Very Much Into the Vevo Presents Into You
Okay .. I can see that I cant close out this entry without at least addressing the woo-woo thing that you do in your Vevo Presents Into You. And I could easily get lost in such a thing. (You know how I am.)
But I felt awe .. real awe .. particularly in latter parts. I could feel things sparking inside. Particularly when your mic work gets downright frenzied.
You flash our secret sign at 3:27 on "baby, dont let them see it." I so badly wanted to run up there and tackle your ass.
What kind of creature make a sound like this?
That is downright otherworldly.
You fingers actually come up slow on this part here.
Oh my God .. that goes so deep.
This is a dangerous thing .. when a girl can make you feel like this.
When she is down there so deep inside you. God only knows what she'll find there.
There is definitely a vulnerable aspect to it.
That actually fucks me up .. when you do that woo-woo thing. That is amazing. I can somehow feel it touching me.
I'm sure they can hear that in heaven. They are probably saying, "Is she here already?"
I am doing the math in my head and it is telling me that you cant possibly be real. None of this can be.
Or maybe, you're just not human. I'm trying to figure you out .. but I need a new ruler. The old ones dont work for you.
When you come out after heh-yourself'ing .. that is pretty much where the awe starts.
[ I went back, and it actually starts before that. You are so fucking amazing. ]
You go, girl .. you girly-girl.
You fascinate me. I kinda wanna look under the hood .. and see how you work.
I really do have it bad for you. This is the weirdest shit ever .. is it not? And I've been in some pretty weird places. Just when you're certain that you've seen it all...
Is that me .. or it that you? We are doing something .. but fuck if I know what it is.
But before they started talking .. the feeling that I had .. when I first heard it .. and when I saw your fingers come up slowly .. this is not a feeling that I get very often.
It is a strong feeling. Not overwhelming .. but in that general neighborhood.
After I am done freaking out and crying .. then I am digging it.
It does indeed feel t.r.a.n.s.f.o.r.m.a.t.i.v.e .. no?
Tho, a part of me is thinking, "How can it not be?"
Because love is always transformative.
I was crying very hard.
I was doing that kind of crying that you do when you're really fucked up.
What does that mean?
[ Voice » "It means she's a slayer and she kicked your ass. It's not really any big mystery." ]
I dated a girl who lived in Lititz. Lititz is a nice town. A little town north of Lancaster, where I lived for 5 or 6 years.
I liked Lititz very much. Great, positive vibe. Very nice people.
You're not alone in the world.
The real end. ( Heh yourself, girly. ) ■■
Uh, maybe this is not the end that I thought it was. This entry is difficult to wrap. One more page .. and that's it. And not a word more.
End of Addendum Part Two. Part Three is here » Flirting with Danger - Addendum Part Three.
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