At the end of this entry (that you're reading now) I have included a link that will return you to the exact spot from where this entry originated. Here ya go, my friend...
» You So Do It For Me, Girly
And there are implications that come with the things that this speech is saying. I can tell that I need to think about these implications. I probably wont be writing about these implications, either. (Cuz then I would definitely sound like a nut-case.)
You do get me, girly. You do indeed.
I know that I shouldnt be surprised .. but I am.
You cant match patterns on someone .. unless you really get them.
Demonstrating a proficiency for something is always more difficult than merely stating that you possess such a proficiency, no?
I mean, anybody can say, "I love you." But how can you really know? How can you know that they really do indeed love you? This is a valid question that you pose.
<ignore this intentional body-text marker>
••• today's entry continues here below •••
At some point, we all say, "Show me that you love me. Show me in your own, special way .. in a way that you and only you can do. Take your time .. no hurry. Show me what you know about loving and be a lover. Show me this love that you want me to commit to."
I am sad to say that, more often than not, you get a disappointing response here. Because, they cant show you .. if they dont get you. [ Oh, the stories I could tell here .. the books I could write on this topic alone. ]
But you do not disappoint, girly. Like I said .. I know that I shouldnt be surprised.
» Yet Another Cosmic Confirmation of Being In Love Forever
You do get me, girly .. you do indeed. You are becoming familiar with me .. intimately, some might say.
This medley that you sang here .. it is yet another cosmic confirmation from the universe .. that we will forever be in love.
I kinda like the idea, Ariana, of being in love forever .. dont you?
Next, they love e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g about you. (Again, guilty.)
Is it just me .. or were you not literally glowing. (Maybe it was just the studio lighting playing tricks on my eyes.)
You display a confidence well beyond your years.
I watched the video (and I listened to you sing those songs) a bunch of times late last night before bed.
I was feeling pretty good .. smiling a lot.
Then I went to bed. And that is when I started feeling emotional.
Before this, I was kinda thinking, "Hey, I'm gonna get thru this thing without a serious emotional ass whupping."
(Even tho I saw that you again had your pack of ninjas helping you. They really are very talented. Like an acrobatic, dancing GQ magazine.)
You make a difficult thing easier.
[ Some girls try their darnedest to make an already difficult thing even more difficult. Why would they do such a thing? Why would they ever want to sew seeds of bad intention? Why would they want to fabricate the most hideous lies about you and want your ass in jail? I would think, "Where is this stuff coming from? I cannot even imagine such a thing. Such a hideous thing." I obviously dont get it. ]
» She Wont Know Which Way Is Up
Sometimes, particularly after I've had an inspired stretch of writing ..
.. my ego will say to me, "Dude, you are so the man. You totally kicked her ass. When she reads this, she wont know which way is up."
But then you sing these medleys and these songs, and I think, "Wow, this girl is tougher than I thought .. a lot tougher. She is not playing around. She is a slayer cometh."
And that is when I feel inspired to up my game .. to dig a little deeper .. and to push a little further.
» Not Alone in the World (a Very Cool Feeling)
I would be lyin' if I said that I didnt feel like I felt the breeze of your presence blow thru my soul .. with the most refreshing effect.
"Oh .. I like this girl," I heard something inside say.
I'm not sure how you do this, but it actually feels like you are helping to mend the mangled parts of me. (I have been pretty mangled.)
I am feeling you in places that I did not even know that I had.
I was surprised at your ability to pattern-match so well. "I got the stuff that you want .. I got the thing that you need."
There is a part of me that is reluctant to admit this .. because, if you invest and depend on people .. they too often let you down. But even this reluctant part of me had to admit, "She does have a point there." ( Admitting that you got the thing that I need. )
When I heard you sing, "He's the one I'm dreaming of." and "When I wake from dreaming..." .. I thought, "I gotta go set a link to this video to the place where I tell Rihanna how I steal Ariana's panties while she's sleeping."
Are you anticipating me .. or playing off of me? (Probably both.) Anticipation suggests a deeper connection .. which is why I ask.
Or, can you feel me anticipating you? Anticipation involves timing .. being in the right place at the right time with the right thing. You know.
Speaking of adding links .. I went back and added a link of your Whitney Houston tribute .. to where I mention a "carefree spring in her step."
When I saw the way you walk out-n-back during the first song, during How Will I Know .. the way you walk there made me think of that.
(You make me think of a lot of crazy shit, girly.)
And I imagined you saying, "Dont make me get all Whitney Houston on your ass."
There are so many matching patterns here ..
.. that I am surprised you were able to cram so many into only two songs.
» Ferociously Observant
I noticed that you thru in another "Heh." at t=2:05. Dont think I missed that. I am ferociously observant (especially with you).
» Ferocious Feelings for Dangerous Women
Speaking of ferocious things .. did you notice here, girly .. where I wrote that I felt like I wanted to have sex with you? .. at that particular moment .. when I was writing those particular things .. when I was telling you those things .. when I was sharing with you those things.
Give me points for honesty. Honesty breeds trust. Trust breeds intimacy. Intimacy breeds all kinds of things .. most of which are too sublime for words. Yet I find myself striving nonetheless. (Because you inspire me.)
I feel like having sex with you more than just that one time, sure. But, I could not stop myself from writing it that particular time. Can you blame me?
Now, sometimes I go back and read stuff that I have previously written .. and I actually turn around, and look over both shoulders .. to see if someone isnt standing behind me .. telling me what to write. Whispering to me. "Who's writing this?" I wonder.
But, this wasnt one of those times. Because I know exactly where this came from.
My point here, perhaps, is that I dont think it's a coincidence .. that I declared such a bold thing there in that section where I told you about the industrial-strength Lolita hottie who you remind me of.
This is kinda what I mean by my use of the term 'dangerous' .. as it applies to you, and girls like you. I know you can see this.
[ I can see that the slaying must continue, girly. The slaying must go on. ]
» Murdered .. by the World's Greatest Lover
That cracked me up. This comes after they say, "We got seven .. he's got an army."
The reason I mention it .. is because, I know that feeling, girly .. world's greatest lover.
Still speaking of slaying .. between the two songs, you display some looks where I paused you and I heard a voice say, "Does this look like a girl who is playing games? No, she is not playing. She has clearly come to slay."
That writing where I wanted to have sex with you .. that was very organic and authentic writing .. wouldnt you agree?
Could you feel how organically it came? And how authentically I was feeling it? (I'm sure you can. I feel confident that you can. Very confident.)
That passionate confession came during the writing that I added on June 4th (top third of Page Nine) .. where I returned to tell you about the girl who you remind me of .. despite much reluctance and even tho it made me sound like a big pussy.
The smoking-hot industrial-strength hottie whose skin was literally glowing. And whose boldness surprised me. And who made me look away.
Can you see now .. why it was smart of me not to go over there and talk to this girl? (Even tho it made me look like a big pussy.) You keep helping to make my points for me, girly.
» Ever More and Better Love All the Time
.. where you are not concerned that your lover might loose interest in you, or be more dazzled by another.
It almost feels like a r.e.s.e.r.v.e of love .. that you build up over time .. thru trust and demonstrating (repeatedly) your love. [ Actions speak louder. ]
It feels like a trusting-confident assurance of that love. It is one of the best feelings in the universe. In my opinion. You are convinced of that love .. through and through. You know that you know. You can feel and sense their love for you .. overwhelmingly, at times.
When you get to this place, you know that you have found a good lover. Because you need a lot of things to get there. Big girl stuff.
» It's Okay If She's Not Into You
This part, where you are demonstrating your love, can be tricky, because different people are looking for different things .. because they have different needs and different values. Often very different.
See .. if a girl is looking for a guy with money (which many are) then, she is not going to be "into" me. Because I dont have "the thing" that she wants, nor "the thing" that she craves, that she desires.
And I totally understand that. I mean, this is the very definition of the starving writer, is it not? In other words, sure, I get it. There are plenty of guys out there with lots of money for girls like this .. who are all about the money. (More than enough.)
The court says that I owe the mom so much money .. that I dont see how I can ever catch up. Even the interest alone on this amount is staggering. So I am walking financial deficit. A big one .. that keeps getting bigger all the time. (Every month.)
In a true, committed relationship .. of any kind, really .. you need to give something of yourself. You can almost hear yourself saying, "I really like this person .. I am going to give them something of myself."
» Relationships are Defined by the Piece of Yourself that You Give
Now some girls seem to think that this is not enough .. that you give them a piece of your heart. They want your soul and they want the whole fucking thing.
I know that this might seem hard to believe, but I can assure that it is the god's honest truth. Your heart is not enough for them. (These girls are clearly not for me.)
Tho I must say that these are exactly the kinds of girls who cannot give you a piece of their own heart. They can be certainly be pleasant enough, and yes, I like pleasant enough .. but pleasant enough isnt satisfying nearly enough for anything more than a short-term fling.
For me to remain in a long-term committed relationship .. I am going to need a piece of her heart. Not the whole thing .. but definitely a part of it.
And which part she gives me is going to be very telling. Do I get a steaming piece of prime rib with plenty of horseradish? Or do I get a cold baloney sandwich? Made with week-old bread.
These things speak to you .. like no other things can. Am I saying anything that is not already intuitively obvious?
» Lovers vs Fighters
Or if a girl is looking for someone to fight with .. if she's looking for someone with whom she can work out all her latent, unprocessed hostilities .. that she has built up from years of past boyfriends who fucked her over .. then this is not me either. (This is what therapists are for.)
Call me old fashioned, but the bond that we have with our lover .. this should be one of the most loving and caring and considerate bonds of all .. where we express this love and this kindness and this consideration. Not the place where we express our anger and our hostility and our meanness.
» Sage Relationship Advice to Fassbender from a Weathered Old Texan
[ I was telling Fassbender about what my wise, old Texan friend had said after years of trial-n-error with women. It was his strong opinion that guys should find a young girl and treat her good. Because, once a girl get fucked over a few times by guys (he said) then they become bitter.
He was 72. He had a whole life's worth of experience from which to draw his conclusion. I found interesting his ideas and his perspectives.
» Drama Queens Not For Me, Thank You Very Much
Or if a girl is looking for drama .. this is not me either. She is not looking for me.
» A Mutual Giving and Receiving that Works for Both
The most basic and elemental form of all relationships looks something like this » "I will give you this thing that I have, because I really like you. And you will give me this other thing that you have, because you really like me, too. I like the way that you liking me feels. If you feel anywhere near the way that I do, then you must feel really good yourself and you must really like me a lot."
No? There is a mutual giving and receiving. (Sometimes at the same time. That's my favorite part.)
Another basic approach with developing relationships is to determine where we agree and build on those areas.
But some girls are so insecure .. that if you dont agree with everything they say and think .. then they are offended .. like you are rejecting them as a person.
I know that this might seem unbelievable .. but I can assure you that it is very much real.
I would ask them straight up, "Do you want me to lie and tell you that I agree with your perspective on this thing .. even when I dont?"
They never say 'yes,' but they never say 'no,' either.
Who wants to be with a person who says that they agree with everything you say and think .. even when they dont? (rhetorical, yes.)
I'm not really sure what such a girl is looking for in a relationship. But I know that she isnt looking for me. Maybe she is looking for someone like her dad.
» A Remarkable Vocal Display
Speaking of the thing that I like and I need and that makes me feel so good .. you look so good here. I so badly wanted to run up there and tackle your ass. You are a sight for sore eyes, girly.
I like your bangs, too. I like everything about you.
Whitney Houston .. you totally pulled that off. I know that I shouldnt be surprised .. but the degree to which you nailed it .. that was very fucking impressive. More than enough.
Whitney Fucking Houston .. what balls you have. What huevos rancheros.
I hate to keep harping on how good you sing. I know that I must be starting to sound like a broken record by now .. but I just cant help it. You sing so good. I mean, it's no big secret. (Ask anybody.)
What a big loss Whitney was .. a loss for the home team.
What a voice she had. They had her sing at the Superbowl after the World Trade Towers came down. (Who else are you gonna call?) And no, she did not look scared.
She was a beautiful creature, too. What a voice. What a soul.
Speaking of beautiful creatures with beautiful souls...
» Exploring the Essence of Creativity with a Beautiful Creature
You make me wanna write more pages to you. For you. About you. With you. On you. Because you inspire me.
Is it just me .. or is this not weirdest thing ever? This feels bigger than us, girly.
I like playing off of you, girly .. I like it a lot. We are making this up as we go .. creating this thing .. seemingly out of nothing.
Can you tell that I liked the songs? You sing so amazingly well. You so do it for me. On so many levels.
Sing me a song and I'll tell you a story. I am not really sure how this story will turn out .. and normally, they end badly .. which is what makes this particular story so dangerous.
I am telling myself that I have made every possible mistake that there is to make. So I know where all the land-mines lie. And how to avoid them. And no, it's not easy. (« anticipating your thoughts here, which is something that lovers do)
Have you heard the adage » it is more difficult to maintain than it is to obtain? (I wonder what the Rolling Stones think of that saying.)
To wherever it is taking you. And these are places that you would normally never think to go yourself.
I'm gonna go listen to those songs again.
You are so fucking amazing .. I can hardly stand it.
I am not gonna say that I love you, girly ..
.. or maybe, I just wont be able to help myself any longer.
» Do You Feel Loved?
Tell me, Ariana .. do you feel loved? You should.
[ Look at how close I am here to actually saying it .. without actually saying it. That is pretty close.
Can you feel the warmth of my breath on your ear? I'm not actually touching you .. but I'm as close as I can get without actually touching you.
And I use your name here. I dont often use your name .. because I want to save it for the extra-special times.
The writer needs ways to express and convey the things that he is feeling inside.
At this rate, I might have to invent and create a whole new language for you. With you. On you. To you. ]
How do you show someone that you really love them? That depends on who you are showing, no? Because different people interpret love in different ways. (And some people arent even looking for love. For them, love is a unicorn.)
» Our Dangerous Erotic Love-Story
You are the thing that makes it fun.
And you are the thing that makes it dangerous.
Sing me a song and I'll tell you a story.
Our erotic story.
Our erotic, dangerous story.
Our erotic, dangerous love story. (Is there any other kind?)
» The Erotic Writer's Acid Test
In order for me to be able to claim any kind of writer's parity with Nabokov .. it is necessary for you to feel loved.
I admit that this is one of those abstract writer's things, which we're not supposed to talk about, but there are meaningful parallels between the two stories, which are set in two very different times.
[ There are so many meaningful parallels that I want to explore with you, girly. I want to explore them in great detail. I want to explore how deep and how far these parallels resonate. Are you scared? (You probably should be.) ]
The 50's were considered by some to be America's golden age .. it's only golden age, perhaps.
And now is now. Life now is very different from life in the 50's. But I can feel the creative parts of me taking the erotic spirit of Lolita and pushing it forward sixty years. (You make this easy for me, girly. I am doing a little time-smear on you here .. I hope you dont mind.)
Speaking of pushing things forward ...
Some day, in the sweet by-and-by, a group of famous writers will approach you and want to know the answer to this question » Did his writing make you feel loved and desired and erotic?
Now, if you say something like, "Well, sorta kinda." .. then, they will just laugh at me and my writing.
But, if you say, "I was over the rainbow and floating on Cloud Nine .. downright orgasmic, at times. My panties were literally steaming for days on end." .. then, they will give me a nod of respect and say, "Dude, you are so the man .. welcome to the club."
So, you kinda hold the key to my reputation with the greats of all time.
[ Speaking of feeling loved and being on Cloud Nine .. would you say that my son looks like he is feeling loved in this photo of him? I mean, I can assure you that he is indeed loved. I merely seek your opinion here .. if you think that he looks like he is feeling that love.
Or, maybe my point here is that .. I dont really care what anybody else thinks of this writing .. but you. ( True statement. ) I mean, if the whole world loved it and you hated it .. that would feel most unsatisfying.
From a certain perspective, you are the only reason I am writing this. Speaking of perspectives...
» A Mad Scientist Must be Experimenting with the Electrical Impulses to My Brain
It will take me a little bit to detail that Philosophy story .. but, I thought about the story after I thought about you singing this Whitney Houston medley, and I thought » "This shit cant possibly be real. There must be a mad scientist somewhere, fucking with the electrical impulses to my brain, which is sitting in a vat of warm, gelatin liquid somewhere .. just to see how my consciousness will respond .. just to see what I'll do."
My point here, perhaps, is that a part of me is freaking out. You kinda freak me out sometimes. This must be the part of me that feels out of control. Speaking of which...
» I Cant Help But Be So Into You, Too
Girly, you are just so amazingly amazing.
Which is why I cant help but be so into you, too.
I dont think that I could explain it ..
but, the fact that I would post a separate page,
titled something like the way that this one is titled ( The Thing that I Need ) ..
.. means that I trust you a lot.
I could certainly try (to explain it) .. but not right now.
» Intention is Important
This is very intimate. I can feel myself dealing with it. It's a lot to deal with.
I can see that intention is definitely a factor. Intention is important. Conscious intention is kinda like a thing in itself, no? Is that how you are doing this stuff?
» The Thing that Made Her the Best of the Best
The Film school girl, when I met her, she was doing massages .. a few a day, on her own schedule.
Lagunatics are into barter in a big way .. like they have their own local tree-hugging economy.
Sometimes she would come out of the water at the beach and say (while toweling off) "I've got a client coming in twenty minutes. You want me to bring you some La Sirena when I come back?" Sometimes she would bring a cold beer with her, too.
[ This is the same girl that said, "I never owned a pair of high heels before I met you." Actions always speak louder .. says the existentialist. She'd never seen anything the likes of me before. (Few have.) ]
She was very good at massage. Skilled, talented hands. Remarkably intuitive. I dont know if 'gifted' is the right word .. but it's certainly not far from the right word.
She would put your ass in this total altered state (of consciousness) .. a peaceful, ultra-relaxed state .. where your nearest problem was hundreds of miles away.
Sometimes I couldnt even talk afterwards .. wondering, "How does she do that?"
» Focused Conscious Intention
I would talk to her clients sometimes (even tho she didnt want me to) because they were all interesting people .. and some of them told me that they had been getting massages their whole lives ..
And you know me, girly .. Mr. Curious Question-Asker, I asked her how she did it .. how she was the best of the best.
She said it was all about » intention. Focused conscious intention.
Food for thought, perhaps. No one could deny that she was highly-skilled and obviously talented at what she did. And she would certainly know the thing that made her so good.
She told me that the best massage therapists in the universe work at Esalen .. up in Big Sur .. in case you're ever in the area. (Dont tell 'em I sent you.)
Strong, powerful intentions. I'm sure you feel them. Very sure. Positive.
Who can listen to you sing here and not say, "This girl has a gifted singing voice." ? Show me the person.
Do you ever feel like you would die .. if you couldnt sing?
Is it necessary for you perform before a large audience .. in order to feel satisfied singing? Or would you be okay performing for a more intimate audience? Say, one person?
Update » I just posted this entry in its own own page. Who loves you, girly? (totally rhetorical)
You must admit that we make a good team. Peanut butter and jelly. But I think I got it bad for you. The peanut butter got it bad for the jelly. What am I gonna do?
Is it just me .. or, do things not feel much more intimate now?
Maybe it was just the way I was listening to you sing those songs .. but I feel very much into you right now.
This is kinda trippy (.. but very cool).
I would be lyin' if I said that it didnt feel like you » got the feeling and you're willing tonight.
That's a good trick, girly. You'll have to show me how you do that sometimes.
I like learning cool, new tricks from cool, new girls. (I like it a lot.)
How much of intimacy is a function of courage? (In your opinion.)
» When You Got It Bad for Somebody .. Do You Deny the Obvious?
I really need to break it up into two or three pages. [ This is now done. ]
And my inner editor is saying, "What are you going title them? .. Addendum to the Addendum - Part 2, Addendum to the Addendum - Part 3? Hopefully you wont be confusing the Addendum Part 3 with the Addendum to the Addendum Part 3. Or with plain ol' Page Three."
This editor part of me is more machine like. He has zero interest in the romantic aspects of life. So he is kinda fucking with me here .. because he knows that I got it bad for you. And I concede that he does have a point. But he sees no value in such a thing. He's like, "Please dont lose your mind again."
This part of me is clearly uncomfortable with girls like you holding sway over me.
But, when you got it bad for somebody .. you got it bad. What are you gonna do? Deny the obvious?
This is why it is a 'rhetorical' thing .. when I write » "Who loves you, girly?".
Anybody can say, "I love you," but demonstrating this love .. is much trickier.
This is why I never actually say it .. even tho I know that girls love to hear it. My mind set here is » "If you need me to tell you .. then, I'm not doing my job."
When I break up pages, which requires a mental shift over to a different mind set, a more geeky mind set, a less romantic, less creative mind set .. it feels like I am admitting to myself .. that you so do it for me.
This must be the existentialist in me .. that simply looks at the things on display before him .. and lets those things speak whatever they happen to be speaking .. without trying to get those things to say something that they are not saying.
» The Courage of Self-Honesty
[ This requires self-honesty, which is far trickier than I had ever imagined. The Dog is the best I've ever seen at self-awareness and self-honesty. He says these jaw-dropping things out of the blue without batting an eye. I am like, "Dog, give me a sec to wrap my head around that, okay?" ]
So many pages, girly. This you cant deny .. try as you may .. try as you might. (There's only one person who I write more pages about.)
You cant hide love. Speaking of generating so many pages...
» World's First Secure Communications Quantum Entanglement Satellite
I did not know, at the time, that this was a grande that I was sipping. But when I got home and began to write this section, I wondered, "Was I sipping on a grande .. when I read that thing about yesterday's launch of the world's first satellite designed to use pairs of quantumly entangled photons?"
Because I had simply told the girl, "Medium coffee, double-cup, no sleeve." These non-standard sizes at Starbucks are confusing. (I am old school on the sizes » small, medium, and large.)
And I was there kinda early, so they still had one copy of the New York Times remaining, which I bought (for $2.50).
Seems that yesterday (8/16/2016) China launched the world's first satellite (from the Gobi Desert) designed to use pairs of quantumly entangled » photons (particles of light) .. in an effort to establish totally secure communications.
Rad note » this section about the satellite launched yesterday by China has been moved to its own page .. see here » China Launches World's First Satellite Designed to Establish Secure Communications Using Pairs of Quantumly Entangled Photons.
At the end of that page you'll find a link that will return you back here to this exact section.
The end. ■
Analyze this page's HTML profile » here.
It doesnt really matter, but the exact publish date-n-time for this page is August 8, 2016 (8/8/16) at 9:15 PM PDT, some 3 days after I started writing this section on the Whitney Houston medley.
<ignore this intentional bottom text spacer, too>