[ Rad note » this page is a continuation from here » Flirting with Danger - Addendum to the Addendum Part One. ]
June 24, 2016 » I cannot stop myself from trying to figure out what is going on with us. I actually had the thought that the reason Nietzsche went crazy .. must have involved a girl. It had to.
I can feel myself trying to craft some sort of model that I can work with .. because it's really an amazingly cool thing.
I almost dont even want to call attention to it .. for concern of distorting such a beautiful thing.
» My Thing and Your Thing are Doing Something
But .. my writing is my art, it is my gift, my craft, my thing .. while singing (and performing) represents your art, it represents your gift, your craft, your thing.
.. is i.n.t.e.r.a.c.t.i.n.g with your gift, your art, your thing.
This right here actually sounds kinda sexual .. no?
Our things interacting.
Our things touching each other.
Our things communicating with each other.
Often intimately and passionately.
I mean, not to minimize the physical component of sex ..
.. because I would never do that .. beautiful thing that it is ..
.. but making love is the term, the phrase given to the thing that occurs beyond the physical component of sex.
Certainly making love involves a component of » intention, no?
[ You know all about intention, girly .. I can feel your intention on me right now. ]
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••• today's entry continues here below •••
And this love-making thing does not always occur. But when it does .. it is a beautiful thing. A memorable thing. An unforgettable thing.
Definitely, a transformative thing.
And sure, sometimes you are just fucking like a werewolf on a summer solstice full moon .. and destroying another thousand-dollar mattress .. but sometimes you are not.
I just realized that this is my first entry (writing) about you of the summer. I wasnt going to write any more with dates after the spring. I was merely going to go back and add as necessary to what had already been written.
Oh, well .. I guess this means that we should probably pay tribute to the summer of love. We will make this a tradition .. every summer after the twice-a-century full moon solstice .. will be a summer of love. (Despite what Natasha and Moira say.)
But I want to return to the topic of my art, of my thing interacting with your thing. (And I want to return there very badly. Crave is the term that comes to mind.)
Because it feels like my thing is coming back to me and telling me what your thing is saying.
And I say to my thing, "No way .. get out. Did she really say that? This girl has some balls. She is kinda freaking me out, a little. This girl is saying things to me that I have never heard a girl say to me before. I did not even know that a girl could say such things. I am not really sure what this means .. but I know that I like it .. in a roller coaster sort-of-way. Exhilarating. This girl gets my blood going. This is usually not a good for girls .. and especially not for their beds."
And then I will tell my thing, "Well, you tell that girl thus-n-such a thing." ( "Put THAT in your panties and keep it nice-n-warm for me," for example. )
And the way that my thing is interacting with your thing .. enables you to be exposed to a greater degree of my personality ..
.. than what would likely ever occur .. if I were not able to communicate with you thru my thing, thru my art, thru my gift. (And vice versa with you and your thing, I'm sure, girly.)
My questions here have always been » "What is going on? And "How is this happening?"
Anyway, my point here, Ariana, is to say that .. it feels like my thing and your thing are doing a thing.
And I am not really sure what this thing is .. that our things are doing. But I can tell you, in no uncertain terms, that I like it.
» Unspeakably Satisfying
And I also like the way that you somehow make me feel free to share with you more of my personality .. than I can reveal to most girls.
Most girls cannot handle or deal with very much of my personality. They need to have something in themselves that allows them to deal with who I am. (But they dont. Some do, but not most.)
How satisfying can a relationship really be .. if your lover doesnt even really know who you are? (Rhetorical, correct. I must be trying to impress you again.)
There is usually a sexual component to most intimate relationships. But that is not the thing that brings deep satisfaction.
To know and be known .. at an intimate level .. and feeling accepted and not judged for our imperfections .. this is unspeakably satisfying.
» The Human Ping-Pong Ball
And there are a number of people involved here, but basically, we are talking about Two Main Players .. one on each side .. that made the vast majority of the important decisions.
Rubber-meets-the-road stuff .. figuring out how the big, main nuts-n-bolts go together. (Juicy-juice.)
We're talking one contract guy and one home-site guy. And these fuckers both have gigantic egos. And they would negotiate thru me.
One of them would say something like (while screaming at me .. because he is mad at the other guy over some issue or some detail of how a point of the contract is interpreted), "You tell that motherfucker thus-n-such."
But I cant say this to the other guy. So, I would have to water down what he was saying. Water it waay down. There was definitely some finesse and translation involved.
And sometimes I would have to keep going back and forth on the same point .. a number of times.
And I remember walking from one place to the other and thinking, "Why dont these fuckers just pick up the phone and scream at each other?"
The short answer here is » because that's not the way the system worked. This particular system that I was a part of. We need to adapt to the system of which we are part.
This was one of the most challenging aspects of the job. Because I felt like a ping-pong ball .. going back and forth with the negotiations. It took a little getting used to, but I made it work.
But they are both screaming and yelling at me .. like they are talking to the other person. (But they're not.)
It is always interesting for me to see the way various people interact .. at various levels, and in various capacities.
Anyway .. I thought of this little ping-pong thing .. when I thought about the way your art and your craft and your gift .. interacts with mine.
And I can tell you, in no uncertain terms, that I like this interacting here better. Much better.
» I'm Blaming the Whole Thing On You, Girly
I saw you singing Dangerous Woman in London.
You are so fucking amazing.
You are obviously very much in love.
If we get in trouble, girly .. I'm blaming the whole thing on you.
Of all the things about you that have me completely baffled .. that woo-woo thing you do.
It just has the most ______ effect on me. I'm not even sure what that word is.
Perhaps, my point here is that .. you are having an effect on me .. a mind-blowing effect .. to the point that I am at a loss for words.
This rarely happens.
You somehow touch me at a level b.e.l.o.w the rational / logical. I can definitely feel you doing that. Tho I am not sure how you do this.
He somehow manages to hit you (touch you) .. at a level b.e.l.o.w the rational / logical.
I mean, I could feel him doing it .. just like I can feel you .. somehow bypassing my logical mind.
The effect here is that .. I am not able to stop the effect by rationalizing it away.
If somebody walks up and punches you in the gut .. you can try to rationalize it away all you like .. but it doesnt really matter .. because you can still feel their touch so acutely.
<end update June 24, 2016 going crazy like Nietzsche trying to figure out this thing>
June 26, 2016 » Happy birthday, Ariana. I'm not going to say that I love you .. but a part of me clearly does.
Sometimes, you even make me feel like I'm walking in the clouds .. among the gods.
And there are very few women who can make me feel like that. Very few, indeed.
And yes, all of them are dangerous.
You go, girl. I'm so proud of you.
» Closing the Dangerous Circle?
In the Woody Allen movie Irrational Man (trailer), which is the thing that led me, the thing that prompted me, certainly the thing that inspired me, and maybe even the thing that provoked me .. into looking into the Existentialists ..
.. which is the thing that led me to purchase that book .. the one with the unsettling sentence about how the Existentialists meeting there in the underground jazz cafes in Paris following the war considered dangerous and provocative things as being good ..
» In Love with the Romantic Concept (Idea) Of ...
She actually tells him that she loves him. "You know I'm in love with you." But he immediately dismisses this as her really being in love with the IDEA (the romantic concept) .. of being in love with her Philosophy professor.
It's very much the same thing with you, girly.
You are not really in love with me. Rather, you are in love with the IDEA (the romantic concept) .. of being in love with the most gifted writer of his generation .. and maybe even of all-time-ever. (In any language.)
I cant say that I blame you. Taylor knows exactly what I'm talking about:
» He Didnt Forget
.. in this movie, he does not call her on her birthday. And this saddens her and disappoints her.
Would you feel disappointed if I missed your birthday?
When they meet later for dinner at a restaurant, he presents her with a book of poetry by Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950).
And he even points out particular poems that he feels she might like.
In other words .. he didnt forget.
» A Strange Connection to Annie Clark
Speaking of Edna .. do you know St. Vincent? (Annie Clark). She is a real, no-shit singer like yourself. It's in her DNA, too.
I saw her talking in a documentary on Kate Bush once .. and I was very much impressed with her. And not just by the way she was able to articulate subtle nuances so clearly, either.
She is girlfriends with another girl, whose photo I used (because of her bold eyebrows and general facial features) .. just like I used yours (because of your youthful and boldly flirtatious sexuality).
So I kinda feel a connection to her .. strange as that might seem.
I wonder where she got her stage name.
» Knowing the Place for the First Time
There is a notion in writing where you know that you are done .. when you come » full circle (.. like Mimi does here).
So, when I saw that this thing seemed to come back full circle to the beginning, I naturally wondered if I was finally done.
But a voice immediately said, "Dude, you thought you had arrived at the End-of-the-Line back on Page Six. And then again, you thought you were done on Page Ten .. and pretty much every page after that."
Sometimes these crazy voices actually make sense.
» Returning to the Moment of Inception
Speaking of which .. I have already told you that I can feel certain things coming. And I can feel something in me trying to demonstrate this feel for you, to you, with you, on you. (Because it sounds kinda crazy if you actually try to put it into words.)
But going back to that very first moment .. when I saw you singing on SNL .. and it wasnt even very far into the song, either .. when I saw all the stars line up before me ..
.. and I hit the space bar to pause you .. and I gazed off somewhere far away .. and my hand went up to my forehead .. and I said aloud, "You gotta be shittin' me."
I have been thinking about that moment. And I am waxing a little abstract here .. but I somehow knew that this moment was coming ..
And, no .. I did not feel ready. Not hardly. How can somebody ever feel ready for something like this?
Sing me a song .. and I'll tell you a story. A story unlike any other. (Just like our thing.)
» Just Like an Inspired Lover
You look so happy. That makes me feel happy .. to see you happy.
Regarding the Disney performance .. I read in the comments that you werent forgetting lyrics, but rather making it kid-friendly.
And I was giving you shit about forgetting lyrics .. so I probably need to walk that back and apologize. I should've known better. You are quite the professional. I admire that. (Because I know how difficult it is.)
But the fact that you are even singing this song on Disney .. that itself is worthy of a raised eye brow, no?
You could totally sing for a James Bond flick. No problem. They can see your well-documented skills. But, dont they normally choose British girls like Adele?
This entry resembles a love letter .. does it not?
After I saw you stroking the mic stand in Japan .. that got me so fired up that I went back and added some nastiness to Page Three.
The conversation in my head went something like .. "Well, if she is going to stroke the mic stand like that .. then my hand is going right down into her panties .. while she is standing in a modified frisk position .. with her hands against the seawall .. with the sound of the waves pounding on the shore closeby .. making the very ground shake and tremble beneath her feet with their raw power. And if her neck just so happens to be near my fangs .. uh, I mean, my teeth .. while my hand is down there .. then too bad for her. That'll teach her ass .. that there are consequences to stroking mic stands like that."
So, there definitely is some interplay going on here.
This is non-linear writing. But, when you are the writer .. you can do whatever the fuck you want.
I mean, under the right circumstances, I can do pretty much whatever I want to do to you. And make you love every minute of it.
But I need to feel it. And you make this easy.
I feel that non-linear things are characteristic of the digital age in which we live. Particularly as it is applied to video-editing .. and how these twenty-first century tools allow an editor craft his (or her) story.
Do your people use ProTools?
I have seen people who know how to use these non-linear editing and mixing programs .. who know how to use them on an intuitive basis ..
.. and I was very much impressed by these people and their abilities. The amount of creative and design skills that they are able to wield ..
And, of course, you are giving them their source material .. so they are starting with a ultra-high-quality source and going from there.
Yes, I think that I am actually starting to feel a little jealous here. (Those most fortunate fuckers.)
I would imagine that, one of the most bitchin' aspects of doing what you do .. is working with ultra-high-quality people.
And you spent a lot of time, I would imagine, working with these people .. day in, day out .. for what? A year? 18 months, maybe?
Speaking of your birthday, girly .. I just saw your birthday performance .. at the B96 Summer Bash in Chicago.
I was so impressed that I grabbed a screen shot and posted it here.
It seemed to have a life of it's own.
On your birthday, no less.
I mostly talk to Selena there.
And I even tell her my Justin Bieber story.
That I was gonna tell you.
< end update June 26, 2016 happy birthday girly >
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