Flirting with Danger - Page Five

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» That Cool Feeling

There is a feeling .. when you feel like somebody really 'gets' you .. at a deep level. That is a very cool feeling. And earlier today, I was outside reading about the Existentialists.

But, then I went back to check on something in a chapter I had read earlier .. when I saw where I had written at the top of the page: dangerous + provocative » good, bourgeois » bad.

And then I started thinking about other things .. you know » this, that & the other. (Should I elaborate?)

» Wow .. I Actually Feel Like I Am In Love

So I got up and went for a little walk .. And I thought, "Wow .. I actually feel like I am in love." And the voice in my head said, "How is this even possible?"

I dont think I'll ever be able to figure it out, but it still feels good. Very good. ( "Is this not the coolest thing? The strength of it surprises me. What a connection. You are going to have to teach me how you do that. Hopefully soon." )

» Sense of Self | Internal vs External-Based

As cool as it feels to be in love .. and really, what could possibly be better than the feeling of being in love with the coolest, sexiest girl in the entire galaxy in the springtime? Maybe a root beer float on a hot summer's day .. but that's about it.

But Kierkegaard would caution you [ .. at t=6:00 » Despair over the Earthly ] not to invest your sense of self too heavily into anything external. I find this to be wise advice .. for numerous reasons.

I'm confident that Bukowski would concur.

You always want to keep pushing forward, keep growing as a highly-evolved sentient carbon-based life-form, keep expanding your horizons, keep learning new things, keep challenging yourself to improve at whatever it is that you do, keep growing and outdoing your old self. Keep stepping out of your comfort zone .. from time to time.

You want to continue to have meaningful experiences that lead to personal growth.

But if you get too dazzled by these dazzling girls .. then you can forget to keep growing .. because you are craving them .. you are craving their stuff .. everything in you is craving them. Because it feels so good to be with them.

But growth requires your mind to be able to focus on other things.

It's hard to describe .. but I can somehow feel you thru your music .. which is in me. I have listened to lots of music, but I have never felt anything like this before. (You can blame it on the arrival of spring if you want .. but we know who's to blame here.)

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••• today's entry continues here below •••

This is turning out to be, I can see now, much bigger than I had thought .. when I first stepped up onto the locomotive. (And I could tell back then that it was pretty big.)

"Buckle up, girly. Your ass is about to encounter turbulence."

[ If you are anything like the others, then you will soon be saying, "Wow .. I've never felt anything like that before." ]

Speaking of that super-cool feeling of being in love .. do you feel that a woman in love .. is the most beautiful thing in all of creation?

I mean, even if they're in love with someone else .. you still want to be around them .. because of that cool, nurturing glow that they give off. You just feel happy being in their presence. (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.)

» The Most Intimate Places

I am again associating you with other things. Powerful things. Dangerous things. I'm not trying to .. but the parallels are persistent. Savagely persistent.

And this time it is the most intimate of things. And yes, intimacy can be dangerous. That's what makes it so exhilarating. (And terrifying.)

I would be lying if I said that a part of me doesnt feel tricked into this. Because I would never have gone here, otherwise. These are very private places.

In order to write about such things .. with any degree of authenticity .. the writer must GO there. And these are not places that you just go to .. no, sir.

Rather, you must be invited by the gods, who, for whatever reason, deem you worthy. And you must be taken there, escorted there .. by a qualified soul. And unfortunately, there just arent very many of them available.

And when a girl somehow gets there .. into your inner sanctum .. she has your full and undivided attention .. I can assure you.

You are some kind of 'facilitator' here. Or maybe an enabler. But I can definitely sense that you are somehow triggering feelings of intimacy in me. (And yes, that is very trippy. Are you doing that on purpose?)

I am not really sure where I will be going with that .. but my intuition says that I will be comparing and contrasting similarities (pattern-matching) between the two. You are somehow taking me to these places.

» The Extra-Long Intuitive Key to Unlock Deep Places

The first pattern-match I noticed was how certain types of girls seem to have an extra-long key into you .. an intuitive key .. and they somehow unlock deep stuff and bring it out.

They are very good at this. Like eerily intuitive .. which kinda makes them a little scary. It's like, you can feel them walking around inside you .. the clicking sound of their stilettos echoing quietly thru the marble corridors of your soul .. in these places that you did not even know existed ..

.. wondering what room she will enter and explore next .. carrying her illuminating candle .. erotically illuminating .. keeping you in a state of perpetual suspense and excitement and longing .. the ancient forces she finds and awakens there seemingly too powerful for any mere mortal to subdue.

But they are able to get stuff that nobody else can get .. because they draw it out of you. Stuff you didnt even know was there. If we go much further in this direction, we might never return.

» Intimacy is Very Much About Trust

Might be worth mentioning here that, certainly for me, and probably for most people, the whole key to intimacy is based on » trust .. which is based, to a considerable degree, on » honesty.

Establishing trust and working hard to never violate it .. has been my focus with my son from day 1.

And yes, it's a lot of work. And sometimes they expect the impossible. (So you do the impossible .. time and again. And you feel bad when you cant.)

I just talked to him .. he just had his first surf competition. At Huntington Beach (literally Surf City). He's a little surf rat.

There is a feeling that we get .. when we feel that someone is saying things to us that somehow do not feel are right. It feels like they are trying to sway us, or to influence us, or working us .. or that they are somehow not being honest and forthright with us.

It's like a sixth sense. You dont know exactly what is not right here about what you are hearing .. but something doesnt feel right. And this causes you to take a step back .. until you feel more settled that they represent no harm. (No intentional harm, anyway.)

It is actually rare when you feel like you are speaking directly to the heart of someone .. instead of being sold something by a used car salesman. The heart of a honest person is vulnerable .. whereas the used car salesman is not.

ArianaYou have some looks in your official video .. particularly near the end .. which actually reveal some vulnerability.

And when I saw these, I could feel something inside saying, "I wish she wouldnt do that."

Because this is something that speaks to me .. something that affects me.

Something that works on me. It kinda makes you drop your own protective barriers.

The most intimate relationships are very much about establishing and building trust .. and dissolving any barriers to trust. (Here is where issues come into play, and dealing with them.)

And this just takes time. You have to prove over and over that you are indeed trustworthy. It never really ends. (And it's pretty easy to fuck it up.)

But when you feel like you genuinely trust someone .. someone who is imperfect, as are we all .. then you feel free to explore the furthest reaches of the galaxy together .. you most fortunate and daring of souls.

» Same-Same, Two of a Kind

But, what I really want to do .. is to pattern-match me-n-you .. where I show you how you and I are really very much the same person. And this something that you already know. Intuitively. Or maybe we're mirror images. That might be a better description .. since we are at opposite ends of some spectrums.

For example .. I focus my art at an individual person. I mean, I focus on lots of people .. but sometimes I focus on one at a time. I talk right to them. And I say all kinds of shit .. that sometimes surprises even me. I turn around and look behind me to see where it came from.

And you are doing a similar thing .. at least, with this song. But it has the effect of making your art » seem more personal. Because, when you apply your art to a particular target, that helps you to incorporate all those little subtleties .. that make such a big difference.

Maybe it's just me .. but I see many such subtleties. All over the place.

I might mention here, how, when you lead-with-your-gift .. this can open doors that you could not otherwise open. (And I know you are feeling me here.)

But this area here .. where I show you how you and I are very much the same .. this is the really juicy-juice stuff. Because the areas of similarities that I can draw upon .. and contrast in the most erotic ways .. are virtually endless.

» Resonant Artistic Creative Values

One way in which I can feel myself resonating with you .. is in my creative urge to "write what only you can write".

Because I can see now how you are really the only person who can sing this song. Nobody is going to be accusing you of stealing this song.

I do not know about all of the other songs on your new album, because I havent heard them yet. But I can feel something engaging with you .. regarding creative artistic values.

Can you feel that? It is a natural vibe for us. Who can write what you're reading here? Short list there, girly. Very short.

[ A voice said, "You're using a section titled Resonant Artistic Creative Values? Boy, you must want to get in this girl's pants pretty badly." ]

This shit gets me going. So I should save it for later .. where we will delve a little deeper into that "something."

I might have a little something to say about that something myself .. cuz that's really what it's all about.

But, if you were running on the beach every day .. and the same person often ran at this same beach .. chances are, sooner or later, you're going to have an encourter with that person. Does it not seem inevitable? It's just a matter of time and timing .. and the nature and the scope of the encounter.

My point is that .. if you are doing the same thing(s) .. at some point, some kind of encounter becomes inevitable. (Is this not intuitively obvious? To even the most casual of observer?)

» The Artist's Connection with Their Fans

The Ballad of Bob Dylan by Daniel Mark EpsteinRemind me to bring up connection-with-your-audience .. as a metric that is not as easily quantifiable as things such as sales or downloads.

As an artist, you have a connection with your fans. And obviously, you are skilled at optimizing that connection. You are communicating with them thru your art.

And along these lines, I always admire when an artist can put into words .. and bring into your consciousness .. something that I knew and felt all along .. yet was still somehow unaware of.

And when you hear such a thing, the effect is something like, "That's exactly how I feel about this thing. Why couldnt I put that into words myself?"

I can see the rabbit hole forming already, so I'll save this for later.

» Sometimes the Thing Makes All the Difference

Oh, look .. they're talking about you. I wanna tell Mr. Stern, "That's definitely a thing, dog." Maybe we should show him our thing .. show him how it works. Turn it up for him. Turn the dial up and give him the thermonuclear-grade sunglasses to wear.

"Here .. put these on, dog. You might wanna take a step back .. and grab hold of something sturdy."

But that is another area that we have in common .. we both know about 'the thing'. And sometimes 'the thing' is the thing that makes all the difference.

» Writing Tangents

I am very much into exploring writing tangents. I started very tentatively and cautiously .. but now I am rather adventuresome. It is almost one of my signatures. The Experimental Tangent Master of Cojonesville .. who writes directly to individual people.

Anyway .. when I wrote that page where I use your image .. it was very much a tangent of a tangent. And sometimes (in my writing), I can see a tangent forming .. that I am not prepared to tackle.

But I can also see that I am at a place where I am not likely to ever return .. because of the way one thing in my writing tends to lead to another. (Something I find both organic and authentic.)

And it is at these junctures where I suck it up the most and throwdown most vigorously (.. because I might never get the chance to go here again). Even tho I rarely feel prepared for such a thing.

And particularly if it is about something that is difficult to put into words .. because, then the challenge factor is cranked up. A writer is basically somebody who puts things into words, no? The harder the thing, the better the writer. The better the putting into, the better the writer. Obscurity into clarity. Clarity into obscurity (poetry).

This is kinda where I feel I am now. I mean, when am I ever going to get another chance to throwdown something like this? It is obvious that this can take me to places that I dont see any other way to access. Stuff that I have locked away.

Tho, truth be told, many of these tangents are things for which you simply can never really be prepared. And that's what makes you balk at tackling them. You do not have the huevos and you never will. (Which is exactly why you should go there. I can hear Nietzsche back there, talking in strong German.)

» The Writer's Thing to Explore the Entire Spectrum of Human Experience

As a writer .. you have this thing inside you .. to explore the entire range and spectrum of human experience .. from the ugliest of the ugly .. to as far into those sublime places as words are able to go.

This is the area where you hang out. "Hi. My name is Ariana. I'll be escorting you to the furthest reaches of the galaxy .. to places beyond sublime where words are forbidden. And there are grave consequences for smuggling out anything in words. Dont say you werent warned. So you're probably gonna wanna put away that Moleskine and buckle up."

And time after time, doors would open before me .. leading me to the most unusual experiences .. stuff you could never make up. Stuff you would never expect .. not in a million years.

» Is Anybody Out There?

And not at the beginning of that entry, but certainly later on, I came to a place where the thought behind the writing was something like, "I will just lay out this honest thing of how I feel about these things that are not easily to put into words .. and perhaps there is somebody out there who actually gets me."

Because I had seen, over the years, that many girls just dont get me. I dont feel like I am any great mystery, and I am actually pretty good at describing how I feel about certain topics. But, if a girl doesnt get you .. then you are in a no-win sitution. If not right now .. then eventually.

So when you sang the song, I had the feeling like you were saying, "I get you, daddy. Let me show you what I mean. You might wanna grab hold of something sturdy."

And yes, it kinda trips me out a little. I feel like I shouldnt be surprised .. but I am.

When I was in the bath .. I could hear a somewhat scolding voice say, "Dude, you cant be putting out the kind of writing that you have been putting out and not expect some kind of reaction. These girls will throwdown on you. They are not scared of you like the other girls are. So dont act so surprised. You put her picture on that page, remember? You think she aint gonna have a little something to say about that? Think again."

But I dont write much of that stuff. Sometimes I weave it in to spice things up for the girls .. but rarely is that the primary focus.

To be honest .. when I wrote that page, my hopes were not very high .. that I would receive a return ping signal. But I knew that, if I ever did .. it would be from a totally bitchin' source .. somewhere out there in the galaxy. And my intuition (again) proved correct.

Is that you .. sending those signals? Or are you getting help?

My ego is convinced that you are getting lots of help. It is saying, "Dude, there is no girl who can take you down that hard, that fast. She's definitely getting help .. probably a lot."

» We'll Be In Love Forever

I can hear a voice inside of me saying to you, "Tell me that you get me .. and we'll be in love forever."

I love that feeling of being in love .. where you feel so freaking good inside .. that every cell in your body feels happy. That feeling of being exactly where you should be .. and that nothing else in the universe matters.

Sign me up. Sign me up for more of that. [ Oh, look .. this means that we will be in love forever. Cool. The feeling of being in love is the coolest. We've already consummated .. so we're good. ]

Anyway .. did you see that Leo-Got-Fucked-By-a-Bear skit? With the scene of Leo trying to get away from the bear playing up on the giant screen. That was hilarious. I nearly pee'd myself.

I am so glad that Leo finally got his Oscar. I have long been a fan. He is such a gifted and dedicated actor. [ You can almost hear him saying, "If I gotta get fucked by a bear in order to win Best Actor .. then fuck it, bring me this bear. And fuck the Vaseline. Vaseline is for pussy-actors who cant hang." ] And it doesnt stop there. Did you notice that no one was complaining afterward that he didnt deserve it?

I am going to listen to that song again. What are you doing to me? Who are you really? You must be part of the Illuminati. (Say hi to Jay Z and Beyoncé for me.)

» Lemonade from Infidelity

Speaking of which .. look at this. Beyoncé gets all Julia Child-like and fixes herself a fancy-ass pitcher of Lemonade .. with Jay's special lemons. Wow. She is a force .. is she not? (Here is the James Cordon parody.)

Was I just not writing about this very type of thing? And the circumstances at play? A voice says, "Dude, you were just writing about this shit. There is some weird-ass shit going on with you. You are kinda freaking me out a little."

Okay, I just checked and I wrote a whole section (not very far above) tilted » Intimacy is Very Much About Trust .. which begins like this:

Might be worth mentioning here that, certainly for me, and probably for most people, the whole key to intimacy is based on » trust .. which is based, to a considerable degree, on » honesty.

» What is it About Indian Women?

And I know that it's just a coincidence .. but I find it curious, nonetheless, that he was involved with an Indian woman .. because I was just flirting with Padma. (Like I couldnt help myself.)

Padma Lakshmi speaking at ACLU People Power in Miami March 11, 2017

These kinds of things speak to me on an existential level .. but I am not going to tell you what they say.

I would be lying if I said that I wasnt interested in your opinion on her new album. You obviously have insight that most people do not.

I think that is brave of her. I can feel a part of me trying to come to grips with all the surrounding subtleties and implications .. particularly since they are still together. Different people value different things.

» Sexual Energy in the Music Industry

Dont you almost expect infidelity in such environments? I mean, if somebody told me that Jay had never had anything going on outside the marriage .. I would think, "Wow .. I am so totally impressed .. because I doubt that I would have been able. I so respect that man .. doing the impossible every day."

Who does not associate sexual energy with the music industry? They go together like .. writers and singers.

My experience has been that these types of rifts are very difficult to patch. A part of me feels confident that it is just a matter of time .. before the unraveling continues. Especially after she did that Drunk-in-Love video. I dont care how strong you are .. that's gotta hurt.

And because people rarely change.

Perhaps this is why, once a relationship descends into nastiness .. I am pretty much done. I see nothing worth salvaging.

I have tried salvaging. I have been to counselors. I have been to shrinks .. Dr. This and Dr. That. It never works. A waste of time, every time. But this is just me.

It depends on her .. how she feels about things. Because different women value different things differently .. they're looking for different things in a relationship.

I do not know enough about her to be able to tell .. but I know that there are some girls who are more interested in the appearance of a thing .. than the thing itself. I know that for a fact

» Looking to Resonate at a Profoundly Intimate Level

Once you have had a taste of the real thing .. you can never again be satisfied with a reasonable facsimile.

Myself .. I am looking to resonate with the soul of a beautiful creature .. at a profoundly intimate level. Something that has never happened before. (Ever.) In order to create profoundly intimate art.

Know anybody? Tho, I should warn you .. it might get lusty. Definitely might.

» The European Lifestyle

I have been with women, for example, who told me, "I am kinda cool with things .. the European lifestyle."

She did not come right out and say, "It's okay if you sleep with other women," and I forget her exact words .. but that was the certainly the impression that I came away with.

I did not respond to her .. but I remember thinking, "Well, that's certainly very kind of you .. but I have already tried juggling two at a time .. and it is clearly not for me. I can barely handle one of you."

Girls often come into new relationships with a carefree air, handing you a Playboy to read and asking if you'd like a blowjob to go with it. But that shit never lasts very long.

You can feel them trying to possess your soul .. which is simply never going to happen. (You dont wrestle or manipulate possession of a man's soul .. rather, you love him so well that he cant stop himself from giving you his heart.)

And the harder they try (to possess your soul) the worse it gets. I've seen it more times than I care to recall. And it is something that grows out of insecurity. You have to come knowing who you are .. as an individual.

(Because I do. I may be a little fucked up, sure .. but at least I know who I am and what I value. And what I bring to a relationship.)

It feels like they are trying to put the cart before the horse. You cant force this stuff .. you have to let it happen naturally.

» Girls Are So Beyond Figuring Out

For a few months, I juggled two. One knew about the other. But the other did not know about the one.

Anyway, my point is .. I remember my stomach muscles cramping up .. because I was having so much sex .. with these two full-time relationships.

I fancied myself pretty cool, but these girls were wearing me out. They had me bouncing all over the place. They were throwing me down hard.

I remember saying, "Just give me a minute .. it'll be okay .. they'll losen up." (And they did.) I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. I learned my lesson.

This was the girl who knew about the other .. so she knew what was going on. She was smiling and thought the thing was humorous. I'm not sure why, but she was very much turned on by this. (Which is why I remember it so well.)

Later, in talking about this other girl, she would say dismissively, "Who's this bimbo?" And I would say, "She's not a bimbo, Marie."

This defending one girl from the other was a little too weird for me .. and that's when I could see that trying to juggle two was not for me .. even tho I was being honest with her. My ego was satisfied, but my ass was dragging. I could not keep up with them both.

But I could tell that she was very much turned on by something. The voice in my head said, "Girls are so beyond figuring out."

» When the Sex is So Good that It Messes with Your Head

I did not see much of her after this .. even tho I liked her a lot .. and even tho I always had a great time with her .. and even tho she made me feel light and good and happy.

And even tho she probably had the most beautiful and softest skin of any girl I ever dated. (Because I liked the other girl better. She made me feel loved.)

But, with some girls, the sex is so good .. that it messes with your head.

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This page contains a single entry by Rad published on March 19, 2016 3:19 AM.

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