The Stab-of-Regret Visits the Capricorn on the Solstice

This page » originated here .. in an entry titled » The Art of Giving Shit (11 Jan 2017).

Today is the winter solstice for those of us who live in the northern hemisphere. It is the shortest day of the year, with the longest night.

» Maybe the Best Fit Ever

I have a 'bang-bang-all-over-you' story myself. It was a beautiful thing. Let me tell you. She let me have it. Many times she let me have it. But who's counting?

I dont recall whether I actually said it, but I was definitely thinking, "This girl is amazing."

She holds a certain record in my life that happens to make her special. And she is way out in front of everybody else.

In this particular category .. no one else is even close. This is why she was amazing, and represents part of why I feel a sense of regret. (There are other reasons.)

She was a good fit for me. Very good.

Maybe the best .. with all things considered. Definitely on the short-list for all-time greatest.

I thought of her when I saw this leggy Russian pole dancer. Similar proportions .. tall and willowy.

Leggy professional-level pole dancer Ilona Zaloznaya from Tyumen, Russia (20 Oct 2018)

The bedrooms were upstairs at her place. She had a nice place.

It was actually her mom's place. A rental unit. A nice, two-story townhouse .. professionally decorated.

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» The Family has Money .. Especially the Mom

At a hopping nightclub there in York one Friday night, this girl introduced me to a guy-friend of hers, standing there with us at the bar. He was a friend of the family.

After my willowy, educated, cultured, fashion-girlfriend excused herself to go to the girl's room .. this guy there told me that the family had money .. particularly the mom, who had inherited her wealth.

He was making eyes that seemed to indicate a lot of money, though he did not give me an exact figure.

I thought that getting this financial information from a close family friend was a little premature .. because I hadnt been dating this girl very long yet.

» From a Well-Rooted Family

Her folks were divorced and her dad was the coolest. His new wife was young and hot and sweet. They lived in a remote, modern A-frame surrounded by various kinds of gardens.

You felt like you were at a ski chalet at her dad's place. He made the best Bloody Marys. (I promised not to reveal his secret ingredient.)

She told me about the time she drove up and they were out gardening in the nude. That was a funny story. Some New Age shit.

When we went to visit her mom for one of the holidays, she said to me, "My mom can be a little on the cold-side .. until she gets to know you. She's like that with everybody."

I dont want to share all the reasons why she was such a sweetheart and why she was such a good fit for me .. because that would only bum me out even more .. because there were so many of them.

» Her Best Friend's Dad is My Boss's Boss

One of the curious coincidences of the relationship was the fact that her best-friend's dad was my boss's boss. And maybe even my boss's boss's boss .. depending how you might happen to structure your organizational hierarchies.

There were four girls who formed the core of her closest friends. They hung out a lot together. This girl, whose dad was my boss's boss .. she was one of the quad. And he liked me.

They were all great girls. Fun. Easy to get along with. They liked to drink wine .. cooling whites in the summer and warming reds in the winter. Makes sense.

» The Untold Story Leading Up to a Key Life Inflection-Point

There is a good-sized story behind this girl .. a story untold. Some stories are harder to tell than others. And some can prove challenging and daunting and intimidating.

Like they are downright daring you to tell them .. saying shit like, "You do not have the balls for this .. so dont even think about it. Dont be looking at me like that. There is a reason why this story has remained untold .. and you dont want to know the reason why this is. Trust me."

This girl represents an inflection-point for me. Not exactly a crossroads, but along those lines.

It's very easy to get lost in the lead-up to these key junctures in life .. because they are such cool places. The term 'enchanted' comes to mind.

» The Regret You Feel when You Realize what a Cool Thing You Had

And what if you are in the middle of writing this untold thing .. and you start to feel a twinge of regret regarding how things turned out?

'Whoever he is,' says Charlize Theron in Atomic Blonde, 'I'm sure he regrets it,'

What then?

I mean, just thinking about it .. and I am already feeling regret. I do not really like that feeling .. the feeling of regret.

Regret sucks. And sometimes it sucks a lot. And sometimes it even sucks more than you can handle. So perhaps this is why I have not told this untold story.

» My Only Cancer Lover

I am not really into the astrology thing like Maria is .. because I dont want to be limited by anything in my thinking, or in my life.

[ And everybody knows that the child-of-God (the believer) is supposed to be led by the Spirit of the Living God himself. Dostoevsky certainly did. ]

But these things can be fun to play with sometimes.

[ Some of my earliest memories are about my mom taking us to Vonettee's ice-cream parlor on a toasty day .. where we would each get a single-scoop in a sugar-cone. Those were the days when "Two pistachios" were two of the sweetest words ever uttered. Then she would plunk in a nickel for one of those colored horoscope scrolls. One for her and one for me. We would sit at the counter there, or at a table or a booth and mom would read our horoscopes .. while we licked those yummy cones. This makes sense, I guess, since one of the definitions of the word parlor is » a room in a private house or establishment where people can sit and talk and relax. Good times. Fun times. There is a good feeling associated with such memories. ]

Anyway, this girl .. this girl who makes me feel the stab of regret .. she was a Cancer.

Since I am a Capricorn, that means we sit directly opposite each other on the constellations of the zodiac. I was born close to the winter solstice and she close to the summer solstice. And you know how opposites attract.

I remember talking to her about this. While we were standing in her kitchen.

And this means that we each had (have) our own tropic. As a bona fide Cancer, she naturally got rights to/from the tropic of Cancer (.. known locally as the Northern Tropic).

Whilst I myself continue to resonate with all things related to the tropic of Capricorn. (aka » the Southern Tropic)

Of course this led to periodic debates regarding which tropic was best and why. What were the meaningful pros-n-cons of each. Where would you rather live and why?

» The Tropics of Cancer and Capricorn Both Represent Extremes but in Opposite Directions

The two tropics each represent (symbolically) the extreme. The northern extreme (of our sun), and its corresponding opposite in the southern direction. The other extreme.

Extremes have always interested me. These are places where you can learn a lot about human beings .. both their capabilities and their deficiencies.

Anyway .. she was the only Cancer I ever dated. (Mostly I have dated Leos. By far.) I would definitely date another Cancer.

For what it's worth.

» The Stab of Regret

Years later, you want your ex-lovers to look back on you, and on the time spent with you in the intimate relationship you shared .. and you want them to feel a twinge of regret.

You want to treat them so well, and love them so good, and rock their world so amazingly .. that you make their socks run up-n-down their legs.

You do not want them to be thinking, "I am so glad that I am finally out of that nightmare relationship. That thing was sucking the life out of me. The end of that relationship was one of the the best things that has ever happened to me."

[ Regarding his first wife, who was also a doctor, my brother told me, "It cost me a lot of money to divorce her .. but it was worth every penny." ]

Or maybe you do .. who knows? Maybe you want them to remember you in whatever way you are able to muster.

Perhaps you want to see how much of your shit they are willing to take .. that they are willing to accept.

How far can you push them? .. before they say, "Okay, I'm done. I had enough of this shit." Maybe this is what does it for you.

Or maybe you have a low sense of self-esteem, a poor self-image, and you want to drag them down to your level? (I have seen such things myself.)

Who knows what crazy, dysfunctional shit will manifest itself in your intimate relationships? .. in the emotional incubator that an intimate relationship so often can be.

» When the Stab-of-Regret Earns You Intimate Relationship Points in the Lifelong Game of Karma

Where I come from .. the stab-of-regret means » your lover did a good job of loving you.

The better the job » the sharper the cut » the deeper the stab » the worse the regret. (Who does not know exactly what I am talking about?)

"How can I love this girl better?" is a question I have asked myself. And in order to answer this question, you need to get to know your lover better. The better you know her, the better you can love her.

I am talking about the real person on the inside. Not the superficial veneer that she displays for you at the outset of the relationship.

If you're a good listener .. she will tell you. She will tell you what does it for her, and what doesnt.

She might even tell you secrets that she has never told anyone else. (Ever .. and for good reason.)

» Looking Back at Key Boolean Junctures in Life

But sometimes the circumstances will conspire around your life in such a way as to force you to choose between Door #1 and Door #2.

Who does not know what I am talking about? I am talking about all the factors that converge onto your life at certain times to inform and influence and affect a key boolean decision.

After many years, you can naturally look back over things from a perspective that includes the advantage of knowing how things actually turned out in the future.

Maybe you picked Door #2, like me. Then you can't help but think, "Life would have been much different if I had gone with Door #1. Definitely much easier."

I might have to lift-out this this section. I didnt expect to write this. I was only going to add one sentence.

I was only going to mention that I happen to have a bang-bang-all-over-you story myself.

I actually have a number of colorful bang-bang-all-over-you stories. But for this particular section here, I am thinking of one of these stories in particular.

See how tricky these things can be? Next thing you know .. you're working on Page Ten.

» Tricking Myself

The act of outlining exactly why I dont want to do a particular thing .. can sometimes be a way to trick myself into doing things that I dont want to do. Things that I am too big of a pussy to dare tackle.

Because, once you start writing about why you dont want to write about a thing .. next thing you you know, you are already wading into this thing.

Then you think, "Fuck it .. I've already come this far. I might as well go ahead and flesh out this thing. But not too much. Just enough to be teasy about it. And perhaps some day my balls will grow big enough for me to go ahead and finish it." ]

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Today's entry » originated here .. in a page titled » The Art of Giving Shit (11 Jan 2017).

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This page contains a single entry by Rad published on December 21, 2019 12:21 PM.

You are the Funnest Thing to Play With was the previous entry in this blog.

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