Just When I was Starting to Figure You Out

Rad note » this page is continued from here » Seven Thousand PB&J Sandwiches and Creating a Dangerous Tension

Girly, when I heard you sing, "You focused your frustration on a small detail." .. I thought, "We must know the same person."

Ariana singing jazzy Jason's Song (Gave It Away) on the Tonight Show Sept 20, 2016I was just starting to feel like I was figuring you out ..

.. and then you sang this song. Jason's Song.

I thought, "This girl is moving target."

You are like a lot of different girls .. all crammed into one. (Crammed nicely together .. very nicely.)

Jazz has probably been my default musical preference over the years. I have been to more jazz concerts than any other kind. By a considerable margin.

It vibes nicely with an intellectual, professional lifestyle. I have been many times with my bosses from work.

» A Jazzy Go Fuck Yourself

Jazz tends to be a happy person's music, in general. Your song here .. this is very much a Go Fuck Yourself song. Wrapped in a jazz wrapper.

So there are actually two different things here, with your song, that I am trying to process. But everybody loves a good Go Fuck Yourself song.

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••• today's entry continues here below •••

The voice said » "It feels pretty good to say 'Go fuck yourself,' no?"

(Sometimes these voices actually make sense.)

I only saw one reaction, but he said you were feeling yourself. He was also convinced that the look you gave there was for him. Should I feel jealous?

» Foul Weather Gear at the iHeartRadio Music Festival in Vegas

Speaking of the end of the Summer of Love ..

Girly .. at the iHeartRadio music festival on Sept 23/24 in Vegas .. you know, the one where you were wearing the yellow raincoat .. the foul weather gear .. which people normally wear when things are getting wet ..

.. did you really say (into the microphone) "You have great energy, dude." And then say, "Let's do it." ?

Ariana wearing yellow foul-weather gear at iHeartRadio festival in Las Vegas Sept 23/24, 2016Did you really say that? And then sing Dangerous Woman?

That is very good at keeping things on the down-low. I am impressed. (Yet again.)

» What Is It About My Energy?

This is what the Wow Girl said to me .. late one night, while we were chatting intimately.

About everything and nothing.

See .. I dont really know what this means .. when a girl says that she was attracted to my energy.

What does this mean, girly .. when a girl is attracted to a guy's energy? Can you get a feel for a guy's energy if he doesnt say anything to you?

See .. she was chatting me up there at the gas station. But what if no words were involved? Would she still have been attracted to my energy? ( Girls are so beyond figuring out. )

Girly, your voice here was showing signs of wear-n-tear. You sounded a little hoarse .. and I noticed that you were backing off on the woo-woo's.

If I were there to give your throat nightly massages with my fangs .. uh, I mean my teeth .. then you probably wouldnt be having these problems.

You look like you are having such a good time .. like you are enjoying yourself. That makes me feel good.

Here is Into You and here is Side to Side. Here is the whole enchilada.

» Get On Your Knees (October 1, 2016)

While visiting YouTube today I found this video (dated Oct 1, 2016. That one is actually posted Oct 7, because the other one was banned. I dont like it when videos that I link to are banned. I'm blaming it all on you, girly. You and your pack of ninjas.).

The link was actually positioned in the #1, very first slot on the page ( "Recommended" ).

When I saw the title » Get On Your Knees .. a song by Nicki featuring you, I thought, "These fuckers at YouTube got me figured out."

Get On Your Knees by Nicki ft ArianaThis is a song by Nicki. It's very good.

I like this song. I like it a lot.

From her Pinkprint album (Dec, 2014).

I had never heard it before. This link, from May of this year, claims to be an official video.

This new video, released today, seems to be from some of your ninja-helpers.

Near the very beginning, she raps: "Got a bow on my panties, because my ass is a present."

This is naughty stuff she is rapping about here. Genius says that this song was cowritten with Katy Perry.

I can see now that this is where you got the idea for the ending of your MTV VMA performance.

This is Surrender Girl action going on here. Some girls, I will admit, are so good at what they do .. that it messes with your head. You can actually feel yourself not thinking clearly.

Their standing in the relationship is certainly much boosted by their sexual prowess. I could go into great detail .. but not now.

Many girls, unfortunately, are more trouble than they're worth. But a girl who can make you feel these marvelous things of which I speak .. a man will endure a lot of bullshit for that.

It is certainly not an infinite amount, but a man can surprise himself .. when the sex is amazingly good. (Downright therapeutic.)

When she has the combination to your safe. When she has electricity in her touch. Poetry in her kiss. Nectar running down her thighs. Fire in her loins.

This aspect of enduring bullshit in a relationship because the sex is so good .. comes into play when the Wow girl said, "You're the strongest man I've ever met." Because she had been loading my pizza with plenty of high-quality spicy pepperoni.

But after a certain point, I dont care how good it is. I will walk away .. even after I have already endured considerable dysfunction. And this is part of the reason why she said that to me.

» I Dont Need a Dozen Roses

This is a catchy tune. I caught myself walking around the house today, singing your part, .. where you sing, "I dont need a dozen roses. You aint gotta wine-n-dine me, no."

This song speaks, does it not, to my point about the importance of truly knowing thyself? And how it is more difficult to really know yourself than it might seem.

The reason why people often think wrongly about themselves is because they have a certain image of themselves.

This image of themselves is often what they would l.i.k.e to believe about themselves. But it is not based in any kind of experiential reality. Because they live in a bubble-world that is detached from the reality that most people live in.

When they encounter an unforeseen crisis, they learn that they are not really who they thought they were.

They are just like everybody else who they used to talk disparagingly about. In many cases, they are even worse than those who they used to disparage. ( And yes, I am speaking from experience here .. tons of it. )

See .. many people cannot accept these parts of themself .. because they reject and denigrate these very parts in and of other people. (Yes, that's called being a hypocrite, which people will do if they see it as offering an advantage.)

If somebody really believes and insists and swears that the sky is green .. does that really make the sky green for them?

Or are they just kidding themselves? Are they just fooling themselves? Deluding themselves?

You need to come to a place of honesty with yourself .. where you can embrace these less-than-perfect aspects of yourself .. so you can move beyond their limitations.

And no, it's not easy. It's actually not far from impossible .. in my opinion.

But there comes this feeling of reintergrating the whole of yourself .. when you do.

I could so get to meddling here .. but I won't.

See, I know that I am not like most guys .. in many respects. When you have been thru certain experiences .. you can never be the same. (Even if you wish you could.)

Nicki is rapping here about what she needs in a relationship. She is saying, "I dont need all these things that you think I want .. that other girls want."

If nothing else, you cant help but admire a woman who knows what she really wants.

Now maybe a girl had a brother, and she probably had a dad. And I think to myself, "I'm nothing like your brother .." [ because our life-experiences are so different ] "And I couldnt be more different from your dad." [ in our generational values ]

But I will not come out and say this .. like Nicki does here in this song.

» You Aint Gotta Wine-n-Dine Me, No

See, somebody can give you a million cool things .. but if this isnt what you really want or need, then the gesture rings hollow for you.

Because it becomes obvious (sadly) that they dont know who you really are. Probably because they never took the time to get to really know you.

They just assume that you are like their brother, or like their dad. But I aint .. I'm not even close.

I remember one time my mom saying to me, while we were driving home from a store we'd left without buying this toy that I wanted badly, "Honey, I would give you the moon on a silver platter .. if I could afford it."

To which I replied, "I dont want the moon on a silver platter, mom. I just want that toy."

Sometimes I meet a girl, and I will say, "Oh, this girl is like that other girl I know .. in this certain respect."

But, sometimes I meet a girl who is unlike any other girl I've ever met. Or perhaps she is just showing me more of herself.

Girls are fascinating creatures. Some are more fascinating than others. And some are a lot more fascinating.

It's when we get to know the real person .. behind the pretty face .. that's where the really cool stuff begins.

I have been in enough relationships that I know what I need, and what I dont need. I know what I want and what I dont want. I know what works for me, and what doesnt work.

So .. what do I need in a relationship? Wouldnt you like to know, girly.

You think that I am just going to divulge my most deeply-held secrets? Not a chance, girly .. not a chance. Dont even think about it. These are secrets that you must earn. (Because they are a privilege.)

[ I got your Pokémon GO right here, girly .. right next to an erotic clue with your name on it. ]

In Notes from Underground (1864) Dostoevsky gets into this notion of knowing for ourselves what we want and need .. vs other people (such as parents, politicians, religion, society, the culture) telling us what we should want. And what we need.

» Like Sex for Your Mouth

Anyway, this is a well-written song .. a well-written rap.

The thing that makes a rap especially good .. and I have noticed this with some of Marshall's work .. is when your mouth actually feels good to rap the words yourself.

Like sex for your mouth. That seems hard to do.

Speaking of raps .. check out t=1:55 here, in this trailer with Jamie Foxx playing a dad who had his son stolen by people who are not very nice. (Ask me if I can relate.)

Notice in particular how they use the sound effects to create various musical effects. That gives me a total boner.

I like October. It might be my favorite month.

» Bad Things ft Camila

Speaking of boners in October .. and things that are like sex for your mouth .. and hottie-singers who are featured by naughty rappers rapping naughty verses about doing naughty things ..

Bad Things by MGK ft Camila Oct 13, 2016.. did you happened to notice that Camila was featured by MGK ..

.. in a song titled » Bad Things (Oct 13, 2016).

The beginning reminds me of Pachelbel.

[ The wow girl was the one who turned me on to Pachelbel.

She knew her classical shit; that impressed me about her. She was a Vivaldi girl herself. ]

I couldnt help but notice some of Camila's lyrics:

Am I out of my head?
Am I out of my mind?
If you only knew the bad things I like
Don't think that I can explain it
What can I say, it's complicated

I thought that this song was very original.

I saw a reaction where they said that MGK was the l.a.s.t person they ever imagined Camila would hook up with .. sweet, innocent Camila.

[ Probably because he's a very bad boy .. with lots of tattoos. Tattoos that he probably got in jail .. from one of his many friends there. You know the deal with bad boys and their tattoos.

Matter of fact, he does remind me of this dude I met in jail. You meet a lot of colorful characters in jail. I could hear him saying, "How was I supposed to know the car was stolen?" ]

She does this thing with her voice when she sings the word 'bad'. That actually reminds me of something .. tho I hesitate to mention exactly what.

The wow girl liked bad things. She liked it when it hurt. She told me so herself. Many times, and in many ways, she told me. And she liked it a lot. Tho I cant really say that I understood it.

She sent me flowers once .. the day after I really laid into her ass. We broke a lot stuff that day. She somehow had the combination to my safe.

One time, when I could feel her luring out the monster, the aggressive monster, to come play with her, I thought (as I could feel the claws coming out and the fangs starting to itch), "I hope you know what you are doing." (She did.)

Girls are so beyond figuring out .. you know. So why even try?

One reaction that I saw said that they felt Camila sang so well that they were actually worried for Fifth Harmony.

I mean, who is not going to want to feature Camila now? Now that she has shown where she can go as a singer.

All the bad boys will be lining up .. wanting to get some of that for themselves. 

One reaction said, "Who knew that Camila had this in her?"

What do you think about her verse, ".. so good you cant explain it" ?

You make me feel like that sometimes .. but that doesnt stop me from trying .. from trying to explain it. (Imagination at work.)

My favorite verse is where Camila sings at the last bridge » "No one has to get it .. just you and me."

I would be lyin', girly .. if I said that I didnt think about you when I heard Camila sing that verse. I like that feeling. It feels like .. being in love.

» Being the Best Version of Yourself .. Not Somebody Else

I hesitated to even mention this song here, because it's not normally a good thing to praise another girl in front of your lover.

But the subject almost demands mentioning .. and I dont think that you would be jealous, anyway.

I think you are too busy just being yourself. And that's really where all the coolness happens anyway.

I write what only I can write and you sing what only you can sing.

Nobody can be Ariana like Ariana .. that's really what interests me. What makes you unique, girly?

(Ooh, I just used your name twice in once sentence. How did that ever happen? Dont you wonder what it might mean?)

» Being Yourself is a Part of Building a Self

This being-yourself-ness .. I credit this mind set as one of the keys to a sense of satisfaction of self, and with self.

You want to be the best you that you can be. You never want to be somebody else .. no matter how cool that somebody else might be.

This was actually the very first dad-ism that I taught my son. And yes, I could see the positive effect that it had on him.

It's a rather simple concept .. not a very complicated concept. The trick is in the execution. The day-to-day course that you plot for your life.

» Being Yourself Requires that You First Know Yourself

Now, if there is a glitch here, in my be-yourself mind set .. then it is certainly that you must first know who you really are .. before you can figure out what it is that you really want.

How can you possibly be yourself if you dont even know who you really are? (« obviously a rhetorical question designed to impress super-hottie singers such as yourself)

Many people grow up with people telling them things about themselves that are simply not true. Yet they believe them anyway .. because it's easier than rocking the boat. We all have our priorities.

And a lot of people fool themselves .. into thinking they are something that they are really not. I could talk about how values are demonstrated by people's actions. But I probably shouldnt say anymore along these lines. I am not in the mood to meddle right now.

» James Joyce on Cultural Degeneration

I will tell you, however, who would totally be in the mood to meddle here .. James Joyce.

Writing on the subject of individuality contrasted with mindless, unconscious (intellectually lazy) group-think ..

.. this subject reminds me of what I was reading about James Joyce in the introduction to this copy of Portrait that I just got.

I really like the way that they place him in the social fabric of his nation. This allows the reader to more accurately imagine his world. Because this is really where Joyce shines .. once you begin to understand his world.

Let me simply share this passage here and perhaps I will return in the future to have sex with you .. oh, I mean, I will elaborate on what Joyce is saying and how it applies now today.

(Where did that 'sex' thing come from? A Freudian slip, perhaps.) Here's that cool passage.

Joyce was unforgiving in his analysis of the Irish version of degeneration, but he came to understand that the morbidity of his community's condition was not the consequence of a lost wholeness or of a traditional culture.

Instead, it was the adherence to deforming systems of belief and modes of behavior that kept the Irish in bondage.

It was fear of freedom, fear of the body, fear of the complexity of experience that would always be in excess of the conventions that attempted to organize it into stereotyped patterns that wounded the Irish spirit.

This fear was all the more pronounced because the conventional systems by which the Irish lived were borrowed from both London and Rome.

Even their revival was, in his words, a fake, both because it found its ratification in a misty and suspect past, rather than in the present and because it reproduced ... the very features of its colonial-Catholic oppression that it was tying to erase.

That's a big thought. He's a big thinker. I could retire on this passage. Writing about this passage.

The first thing that I would like to point out here .. is how Joyce is saying, "You dont want to go back .. to what you had before. Because the thing that you had before .. is the very thing that is killing you (morbidity). That is wounding your spirit."

See, girly .. some people want to go back to the 1950's .. a golden era when life was much less complicated. It's probably just a coincidence, but Lolita was published smack dab in the middle of this decade.

I know it seems obvious, but you can never go back.

For many, the future is such a question mark. Some might argue that it is precisely this uncertainty that is causing the cultural degeneration that we are currently witnessing in our nation.

I should probably not continue down this avenue much further .. but notice how Joyce said that is was deforming "systems of belief" and "modes of behavior" .. that were killing the Irish soul.

How is it that Joyce can see these things .. that others cant? I dont know. But I do know that, if life takes you to enough places, then you will start to see things that you would normally not see.

You develop a fuller and more 3-dimensional image. It's very much like putting together a puzzle. And geeks are all about figuring out shit. ( "How do you split the atom and turn matter into energy?" )

Or does Joyce simply have bigger balls, cojones grandé, than his contemporaries? .. in calling bullshit on the destructive flaws in Irish culture.

With some exceptions, Joyce pretty much left (Ireland) and never came back. (I can certainly relate.)

(If it aint working, it aint working. Pretending that it is working, when it obviously aint .. this seems cowardly to me. And probably to Joyce, too.)

See, he is trying to get the Irish to BECOME THEMSELVES .. and not something that comes from a foreign entity, such as their system of government from London, or their system of relgious beliefs from Rome.

[ This is why I am noting here in this section (where I talk about being yourself and knowing yourself in order to build yourself a better self) this particular passage from the intro to Portrait. ]

He makes me feel less alone in the world. (Like you do, girly. Thank God for you and James Joyce and the Clinical Trials girl.)

It's going to be so much fun forging the uncreated conscience of my race with you. I like forging things with you. You're fun to forge with. A lot of fun .. as we explore together the entire range of moral experience.

Speaking of moral experience ...

» Managing Complexity with Super-Hottie Culture-Benders

Notice how Camila finishes her chorus by saying » ".. it's complicated." But programming geeks are all about » managing complexity.

Food for thought. Think about it and we'll talk more later.

Because, as the size of this thing grows .. it become more and more complicated .. with each page I write.

Or, at least, it becomes more complex. And how will I manage this complexity? It wont be like they did in the 1950's.

» Being Yourself at the Hollywood Bowl

[ Girly, I am returning here from the future (time-travel, yes) .. because I saw you singing at the Hollywood Bowl .. in the future, next month, on Oct 22, 2016.

And the thing that really struck me .. was the ease of authenticity that you brought. You can only bring this sort of ease of authenticity when you are being yourself.

Which is why I returned to note this here. (Are there any other dates in the future that you would like me to check out for you?)

See, true authenticity is difficult for most, but not difficult for the artist. But e.a.s.e of authenticity .. this is much harder. Even for the artist.

And I know this sounds like crazy shit to most, but I know you feel me here.

When I saw you singing, I thought, "She doesnt even need me any more." Girly, you make me think of crazy things sometimes.

» Oh, I Love this Girl

Ariana singing Dangerous Woman at the Hollywood Bowl Oct 22,2016Your vocals were kicking serious ass.

And that thing you did,

when you go over there and stand next to the guitar guy,

.. that was very cool how you did that.

And you did an extra-special, super-deluxe woo-woo there ..

.. that you have never done before.

When I saw that, I thought (without even trying) "Oh, I love this girl."

It's like I love you and am in love with you .. all at the same time.

You two definitely had this sync'ed chemistry thing going on. Like you were feeling each other. Like you were doing this thing together. (Which you obviously were.)

» You Know What Happened the Last Time, Birthday Girl

And you cocked your arms back, girly. You cocked them way the fuck back.

Ariana cocking back her arms at the Hollywood Bowl Oct 22, 2016

Do you know what happened the last time a girl cocked her arms back at me like that? (That turned into a very long page.)

The voice in my head said, "You know she is doing that to fuck with you. She knows that's going to fuck you up. She is no doubt loving every second of it. Did you see how far she cocked her arms back? She is definitely fucking with you there. She knows that you notice when she cocks back her arms like that. She knows that you're sweet on her guitar player. She knows that he reminds you of your cell-mate. She knows where you live and she's coming for you. Dont say you werent warned."

Sometimes you just dazzle me .. it's hard to describe. But I'm trying. You are certainly a dazzling creature.

I captured you here just before you cock back your arms.

Ariana singing Dangerous Woman at the Hollywood Bowl on Oct 22, 2016

Look at you here, girly. You are getting ready to throwdown. Such an easy confidence.

Your body language says, "Stand back everybody. I dont want anybody to get hurt. This man here is a trained professional .. with many years of experience."

Such an interesting image .. of you projected on one of the big, jumbo-tron screens .. taken on cell-phone video .. for a curious pixelated effect.

How can any guy not be attracted to this girl singing here? You look like a genie who just popped out of an ancient lamp. And already you are making my wishes come true.

» The Roller Coaster Thing

Then, around t=2:57 you hold this note for an extended thing. Oh, girly .. have mercy. Your vocals here had this wave-like thing .. that took me up and down and up and down again. I felt like I was on a roller coaster.

» What Does that Feel Like When They Sing Along?

What does that feel like .. when the whole crowd is singing along with you? That seems very cool. I dont know that I could imagine how that would feel. Maybe you can convey this to me sometime.

You have a million little gestures that speak to me. For example, at t=0:39 here, you quickly turn profile when singing "feel like.. "

You are a creature extraordinaire, girly. I think my mouth was hanging open while I watched you sing this song. I'm pretty sure it was.

Right at the git-go, at t=0:08, you do this little thing with your hand while singing the word test. Shit like this makes me wanna run up there and tackle your ass in the worst way.

Your hand at t=1:00 when you sing "know what I'm doin'". Oh, girly .. I probably shouldnt tell you what this makes me want to do to you. I'm pretty sure of it.

I'm not even going to tell you what it was, but I caught myself saying, "Oh, she is so going to get it for that. I'm gonna have to think of something real good to pay her back for that."

I see you egging me on, girly. "Let's do it. Let's do it. Dont be a big pussy. Do I look scared? I think not, my friend. My writer-friend. My secret lover, who I am going to get in trouble."

» Getting in Trouble with Sexy, Super-Hotties

I saw you laughing when you sang, "I know it's gonna get me in trouble." I'm not even going to tell you what I thought when I heard that.

I can be a funny fucker, girly. I almost killed a guy once .. making him laugh. I didnt really kill him, because I liked him. But I felt confident and certain that I could have .. if I wanted to.

There have been times when I feel such confidence and certainty with you, too .. that I can do certain things to you .. things which may or may not make you laugh. I like these times. When I feel these things.

You get 'em laughing .. and they let down their guard. It works every time. Then you go for the throat. You'll hear it calling to you. Just spit the diamonds onto the floor.

Show her no mercy .. not even a little.

< end update from the future on Oct 22, 2016 at the Hollywood Bowl > ]

» Zara Insists that It Aint Her Fault

Here is another song that I hesitate to mention. YouTube recommended this video to me. I was checking out her lyrics.

Her first verse starts with » "It ain't my fault you keep turning me on."

Girly, is it just me .. or, does this not sound a lot like what I wrote here? (On my dangerous young-hottie-singer page.)

And this girl here is obviously a young, hottie singer .. singing her song that was just released Sept 1, 2016. (The official video was published Sept 30, 2016.)

Maybe it's just a coincidence. But notice where I wrote » "Don't blame me. It's all your fault. You know how you turn me on."

In the bridge, she actually sings » "But don't blame me. It ain't my fault."

Dont you just hate it when hottie-singers take your stuff and then use it against you .. even better than you used it yourself?

I googled her ass. This girl is 18. Eighteen .. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

Zara Larsson (18) Aint My Fault

This section on Zara grew so large that I moved it to its own page .. see here » Zara Insists that It Aint Her Fault.

This girl is singing about naughty things. I should probably warn you.

At the end of Zara's page, I set a link to the next page in this story, which is ...

This is the end of this page .. this entry continues here » Getting Married Already?

You can return to the previous page here » Seven Thousand PB&J Sandwiches and Creating a Dangerous Tension.

Analyze this page's HTML profile » here.

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This page contains a single entry by Rad published on September 20, 2016 9:20 PM.

Seven Thousand PB&J Sandwiches and Creating a Dangerous Tension was the previous entry in this blog.

Zara Insists that It Aint Her Fault is the next entry in this blog.

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