Fuck It .. Let's Do This Thing

••• today's entry continues here below •••

What I was thinking at the time .. was that maybe I should stop taking my meds altogether, starting tomorrow. You know, pull a full Kanye.

Later I thought, "Dude, what were you thinking?" But I was feeling gooder-than-good. Not just normal good, but so good that I wondered if maybe it was the meds making me feel this good. (At the time.)

Have you ever had the thought that "Maybe I am feeling too happy?" I have never before had this thought, which is why it tickles my sense of absurdist humor.

I had my last interview with my Meds guy back on January 11th. That was when I started tapering down. He calls this 'titrating off.' (I like to learn the technical lingo that the professionals use.)

It was at this time, back on the 11th of January, when my Meds guy said,

"Now dont take this wrong .. but if you said to me, 'Brett, I think we should wait before beginning to come off my meds, then I would totally understand .. because you have a lot on your plate right now .. what with your current living situation, and with moving during the pandemic and whatnot, before you can get vaccinated."

We had been talking about tapering off the meds since last October. But he advised me to wait until after the holidays. (Which turned out to be sage advice for sure.)

But now that the holidays were over, now I had other things to deal with. Now I had other things on my plate to deal with. This is why Brett said he would understand if I wanted to wait.

Like anybody, I am very good at dealing with some kinds of things, and I suck at dealing with other kinds of things.

The more kinds of things, the more situations and circumstances, the more tests and trials and tribulations that we have expereince dealing with .. this is part of what makes for our development on the road to 'perfection. No?

What good is a person who cannot handle the slightrst inconvenience? What good is a person who comes apart at the seams at the slightest hint of distress? (These are what you call 'rhetorical questions'.)

So I said, "Fuck it, Brett. Let's do this thing. I am ready. I am no big pussy. Full plate or not. The fuller, the better. Let's load that sucker up high as we can pile it. Can't we get any more krap on this plate?"

I felt like Elijah when he said, "Pour four more barrels of water on there. Let's try to make it as difficult as we can."

I like to challenge myself from time to time. I like to see exactly where I am in my development as a child of God, and what I am made of.

This way I will be able to see more clearly exactly where I might need some more work. Where I might need some improvement. Where I might need to recalibrate my moral compass. You know.

I have dealt with much worse stuff than coming of my medication, my antidepressants and whatnot, while moving during a deadly global pandemic.

This is cake for me. This does not even get me breathing hard. Psychologically speaking. Emotionally speaking.

The Zen-part-of-me is more than able to deal with such things. Such situations.

I can hear the Zen master in the back of my head saying, "Dude, I dont even know why you are bothering me about this. This is nothing. Nothing but good stuff here. Cake-city. We have dealt with far worse than this."

Anyway .. Brett said, "Okay. Let's do it. Call me if you run into trouble, or you change your mind."

Even though I said 'Fuck it' here .. this is not the reason why I used this phrase in today's title. No, I am talking about a different 'Fuck it' there. Very different.

Next we will go down to 100 in April. and then down to 50 after that. Finally down to 25 mg, and then off them altogether.

My point in sharing this is because this is telling about how well my mental health has been doing lately.

» I Don't Want to be Too Predictable

Regarding the notion of me letting our 5-year anniversary pass without notice .. I dont want to be too predictable.

Certainly there are places and times and circumstances and situations where we definitely want to be predictable and dependable and reliable.

But with our lover, we dont want to become too predictable. We dont want our lover to become bored with us.

I didnt want to write on the 19th, because this was still in the winter time. I wanted this entry to be my first entry written in the springtime. (Roo knows what I am talking about.)

» Spring Arrives Early on the 20th

Then I thought about writing on the equinox, like I have done many so times before, which happened to be yesterday at 2:37 am.

That would've worked fine, because this is the first day of spring.

Spring is the time of new beginnings. A time of rebirth and starting over.

» Three Two One » Blast Off

But then I saw that today would be » 3:21.

Three-two-one .. this sounds a lot like what Mission Control says over the public address system .. right before they say "Blast off."

This happens to resonate with me in a big way .. because big changes are in store for me very shortly.

Speaking of three twenty-one, I wonder what time it is right now. Hold on a sec, girly. I am going to go check. I'll be right back. Dont go anywhere.

Oh, look at that. It's 3:21 am. Hmmm.

Do you think this might mean something? Or is it just another coincidence?

A delightful curiosity perhaps? Recursive pattern-matching of dates with times? (Let me know if you ever figure it out.)

Anyway, this blast-off thing is part of the reason why I have been feeling so happy lately. Since earlier this month. Since the first week of this month.

"What happened during the first week of this month?" you ask? That's a good question.

Or maybe it is just because I happened to embrace my nadir and I am still alive to tell about it.

In the back of my mind, I have the idea that the deeper the nadir .. the higher the resulting rebound. The resulting deliverance from your nadir.

Even if everything is not yet perfect, simply being delivered and rescued from the worst depths of your nadir .. can feel like nirvana. Like paradise. Like heaven on earth. You know.

More on this later. More on this deliverance, which was a long time coming .. if you ask me.

I dont like to be too predictable with my lover, because I like to keep her on her toes. Not always, but sometimes .. such as the 5-year anniversary.

Girly, we have been together for so long now .. pause for effect .. that I feel confident we would be Common Law married in a number of states .. a large number .. if we werent already before today.

Speaking of keeping you on your toes .. girly, not long ago I was walking around .. thinking about this, that, and the other .. as I am known to do from time to time.

I am not going to tell you what I was thinking about, but I caught myself saying, "Fuck it .. let's do this thing."

This was after the first week of this month. I dont know if, or how much, the timing might apply.

But soon as I said this, the voice in my head said, "Dude, do you know what you just said, 'Fuck it' to?"

I was actually in the middle of thinking about something else .. when I came across this here thought .. that I am talking about right now .. the one to which I said, "Fuck it."

And I thought, "Yeah, I know what I said 'Fuck it' to."

The voice is like, "Dude, I dont think you you what you said 'Fuck it' to. Because, if you did, you would be freeaking out right now."

The voice-in-my-head has a point, you know .. about freaking out. Because I dont feel ready for this thing. This thing that I said 'Fuck it' to.

I actually said this out loud. I spoke these words aloud. On purpose. Because the timing was perfect .. and I dont know if I would ever get another chance. Another crack at it. (A crack at what?)

The thing is .. that you can never be ready for something like this. Even if I went into hard training for 6 or 9 months .. training with Khabib .. I still wouldnt feel ready.

Would you like to know what it was that I said 'Fuck it' to, girly? Would you like to know what it is that I will probably never feel ready for? I bet you would.

But I like to keep my lover on her toes. I dont want her to get bored with me. I dont want her to feel like I am too predictable.

Girly, shit is about to get real in a hurry. I would ask you if you wanted time to think about it first, but I already know you are game.

I try to keep my game hidden, girly .. for obvious reasons. But sometimes, girls know how to provoke you in just the right way.

They know how to evoke things inside, deep inside .. things that you didnt even know were there.

Girly, naturally I would prefer to flirt with you here, and to fan out my writer's peacock feathers for you.

But I need to do this thing first with Dr. Russell Moore. He seems like a nice enough fellow.

We are going to look at some patterns that we see in scripture .. moral patterns .. and we are going to compare these scriptural patterns with the behavior of the white evangelical.

I would like to say that this is fun .. but it's not. Certainly not as much fun as flirting with you. I mean, you are the funnest thing to play with.

To be continued.

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