Anxiety and Depression - Page One

» Longest Blood Moon of the Century

Today is the longest blood moon of the entire twenty-first century.

Century's longest blood moon eclipse 27 July 2018

Although we won't be able to see it here on our side of the planet.

Such eclipses are all about precise alignments. Today the earth is aligning with both the sun and the moon in a remarkably precise manner.

I wonder what such celestial alignments might mean.

» Anxiety Inducing Event

At the beginning of this month, I received information that most people would find both depressing and anxiety inducing.

On an intellectual level, I dismissed this thing as merely annoying .. because it was not life-threatening, and I had already dealt with a life-threatening situation.

Anything that is not life-threatening seems like small potatoes by comparison, and I have already lived through much worse.

Nevertheless, right about the same time, I began having symptoms where, for brief periods, I could not seem to catch my breath .. even when I wasnt doing anything physical.

I have never experienced anything like this before.

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••• today's entry continues here below •••

At first, these symptoms began for a minute a two. But they gradually grew longer and stronger over the course of a week or ten days.

» Suffocating

Until one night I woke at 4AM and thought I was having a heart attack, or dying. I didnt know what was happening .. but I knew that it was not good.

I simply could not seem to catch my breath .. no matter what I did. Not matter how deeply or fully I tried to breathe.

It is a horribly uncomfortable feeling .. when you cannot catch your breath. It felt like a gorilla was sitting on my chest.

Again, I had never experienced anything like this before. Not even close.

It is sort of like when you get the wind knocked out of you .. except it doesnt go away after 30 seconds.

» Mia's Erotic Breathing Exercises

Perhaps if I had been practicing my breath-work with Mia ..

Breath-Play with Mia Croft (16 May 2018)

.. then I might not be having these problems .. these distressing breathing problems. Severely distressing.

After just one session with Miss Mia, I am already feeling better. Much better. Breathing easier. Sleeping deeper. Comatose.

That was like a psycho-erotic version of pranayama.

» Pranayama and Mula Bandha

I have dated yoga-chicks who were big into pranayama. This is where I learned about the Mula Bandha, the root-lock.

Girls who have muscular control over the muscles that are worked in Mula Bandha .. this makes sex a whole nuther thing.

It feels like they have a little, strong hand down there .. and they are able to grab onto you in an erotically gripping sort-of-way.

This is one of the things that makes sex with yoga-chicks such an enjoyable endeavor.

That was definitely working me .. when it feels like there is a little hand is down there .. grabbing onto you. That shit drove me crazy. It got me all fired up.

» Am I Feeling this Girl More than I Realize?

Girly, I noticed that you just released a song titled » breathin (23 Aug 2018). Dont you think that this is a trippy coincidence? (Given the lyrics.)

Maybe I am feeling you even more than I realize. Do you think that this is some kind of sympathetic sort of thing?

Selena is upset when Justin is upset

Selena knows what I am talking about. When you really love someone, you accept them flaws-n-all. No?

I bet that Dax knows exactly what I am talking about.

But, when I started having these attacks, I did not know that you were also having them. Heck, I didnt even know what they were myself. I didnt know what was happening to me.

I am normally very good at handling and dealing with anxiety. I normally kick large amounts of ass in this area.

Angst or 'existential anxiety' (at t=2:35)

You're right that it is like the worst feeling. Afterwards I thought, "I can see why they use waterboarding. It produces severe anxiety .. not being able to catch your breath." 

It sucks very badly. It feels like a form of torture. Especially when it seems like it is not going to stop. And when you dont know what is happening to you.

This section has been moved to its own page .. see here » Is This Not a Trippy Coincidence? (14 Sept 2018)

» Was Not Thinking About

I should probably note here that I was not thinking about this anxiety-inducing thing either before or during the time when I was actually experiencing these shortness-of-breath attacks.

This is why I did not think that these two things were related. The thought never even occurred to me.

» Panic Attack?

I looked up panic attacks online, but I did not have most of the symptoms listed there (no sweating, no shaking, no numbness) .. except for the severe shortness of breath. And my heart rate was elevated .. because I felt like I couldnt breathe.

Back when I first received this depressing, anxiety-inducing news, I called cousin Patti. She is good at helping me deal with gnarly shit like this.

She said, "I'm not worried about it, so you shouldnt be either. Everything will work out fine."

Later, when these alarming attacks of shortness-of-breath began to grow more severe, I called her again. She said that these two things were definitely related.

» It's in the Back of Your Head

I told her that I was not thinking about the anxiety-inducing thing either before or during these attacks. She said, "It's in the back of your head."

She said that I should see my doctor for some blood-work.

» Actually Very Common

She said that this type of anxiety that I was experiencing is "actually very common." (She is married to a doctor.)

Americans report feeling increasingly more anxious since Trump elected (22 Dec 2018)

She said that such anxiety is often tied up with the thyroid. And I take a daily synthetic thyroid hormone .. because my thyroid has received lots of radiation.

They dont specifically target your thyroid gland during treatment .. but it sits right in the way of things that they do target. So they can't help but hit it.

Low thyroid hormone makes you tired, and the hormone affects lots of other functions in your body. Too much thyroid hormone makes you feel hyper or even jittery .. like drinking 3 or 4 cups of coffee.

» Feeling Desperate

Anyway, back when I was having this 4AM thing, where I thought I might be having a heart attack, and I simply could not catch my breath .. after it had gone on for 10 or 15 minutes, I started feeling desperate.

» Kevin Smith Couldnt Catch his Breath During a Heart Attack

I was thinking about this video I saw (2 May 2018) where Kevin Smith is telling the story (at t=4:50) about how » he could not catch his breath during a massive heart attack.

Kevin Smith Couldnt Catch his breath during heart attack

And I was thinking, "Fuck, this is exactly what Kevin Smith was talking about. This is what a heart attack must feel like. Fucking cholesterol."

» (Expired) Benzos to the Rescue

Back during cancer treatment (radiation/chemo), they gave some Lorazepam for anxiety, and to help me sleep.

Ball-n-stick model of Lorazepam (benzo)

The Wikipedia page for this drug says » "Lorazepam has anxiety-reducing effects and its best-known indication is the short-term management of severe anxiety."

They gave me 30 pills, but I had only taken 20 of them. The remaining pills are now long expired, but I was feeling desperate .. that night when I woke at 4AM, unable to catch my breath. So I took one of the expired benzos (on an empty stomach).

Fifteen minutes later I could feel it starting to kick in. And I felt that shortness-of-breath start to lift. It was beautiful thing .. let me tell you.

I could breathe again. It no longer felt like I was suffocating. It felt like the gorilla climbed up off my chest. Maybe I wasnt having a heart attack after all.

» Lorazepam for Anxiety

Lorazepam is generic Ativan. It is a benzo. I had never taken a benzo before cancer treatment. It is great stuff. I would take one at bedtime and sleep like a baby.

With the opioids, I would take only half a pill, because they were very strong and hit me hard .. probably because I was already in such a weakened state from the treatment. But with the benzo, I just took the whole pill .. because they are so small to start with. (0.5 mg)

During treatment, I had no problem checking off the box labeled 'severe' on my weekly questionaire that asked about my current state of anxiety.

Life-threatening situations tend to produce severe levels of anxiety .. it has been my experience.

» My Doctor Referred Me to a Shrink

So, anyway .. I went ahead and made an appointment with my doctor. About the middle of this month, she checked my blood and gave me an EKG and referred to me a shrink, who I saw earlier this week.

[ My white blood cell count was low, and she wants me to come back in a month to recheck it. ]

There was a time in my life, when I was less secure in myself, when the idea of seeing a shrink for mental-health problems probably would have made me feel uncomfortable.

But ever since my weekly sessions at the Moores Cancer center .. I no longer feel that way. These weekly shrink sessions helped a lot. They were invaluable for my mental health.

Being able to talk to someone who is familiar with and understands and sympathizes with the types of things that you  are going through .. well, I cannot overstate the value of such a thing.

» Diagnosed with General Anxiety and Depression

The shrink who I saw earlier this week asked me a shitload of personal questions and diagnosed me with general anxiety and depression.

"How do you feel about that diagnosis?" he asked, after explaining the rationale behind his diagnosis.

"That's exactly how I feel," I said.

» My Bucket was Overflowing with Shit, Spilling Over into My Life

He uses a 'bucket' model. When your bucket gets full of shit and starts to overflow .. then the shit starts spilling over into your life .. whether or not you try to stop it from happening.

I told him that I did not have these shortness-of-breath problems even when I was diagnosed with (life-threatening) cancer and they told me that there was a chance I might die.

He said that my bucket post-treatment is not able to handle as much shit (stress inducing shit) as it was before. My shit-carrying bucket is smaller now.

He was right about that. I didnt see that, at first.

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About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Rad published on July 27, 2018 7:27 PM.

I Am So Glad that We Will Always be in Love Forever was the previous entry in this blog.

Anxiety and Depression - Page Two is the next entry in this blog.

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