Does that not Strike You as a Curious Thing? Page One

••• today's entry continues here below •••

Provocative can be an attention-getting ploy, and it is often used that way. But I was not using the title in that way .. as a ploy to get attention. (Tho, yes .. I was definitely trying to be provocative.)

And being an older man .. with so much more experience than her .. it makes you wonder, doesnt it? » Where does the line lie?

How far can I go? How far is safe? What if I want to go right up to the edge of that line? Where would that line lie?

When I send my writer's hand down into Ariana's warm panties .. is this crossing the line?

Speaking of curious things .. I admit to being curious about what Mike Shinoda thinks about that. (He seems to think that I should go for it.)

I mean, there is obviously only one person who can answer that question with any kind of conviction.

I could feel myself becoming aggressive with Dove. I even told her that I could feel myself shifting over to an offensive posture.

I was surprising myself. Why was I feeling this way?

Was it because she was so young? Was it because I felt that she was provoking me? I wasnt sure .. but I knew that I was definitely feeling aggressive with her.

» Two Things

Okay .. I went back and reread that entry .. both pages. (Sometimes I crack myself up.) But I noticed that I told her:

1. Hollywood has a thing for youthful beauty, and also
2. I have hurt girls who did things like this.

I wasnt going to bring it up, but I began Page Two by writing to Dove »

What do you think of the notion that writers and singers tend to make great natural allies? (Not to put ideas into your head or anything like that.)

I may return to comment on that .. but my point here is merely to say that, when I wrote these two entries, the one where I write to Harvey, and the one where I get aggressive with Hollywood's hottest starlet ..

.. I can assure you that I had no clue whatsoever that Harvey was doing such aggressive and predatory things to some of Hollywood's hottest starlets.

» Does that Strike You as a Curious Thing?

Girly, does it strike you as .. as curious .. that I wrote these two entries sequentially (right next to each other)? There are no entries between these two entries. Not even one.

Does that not raise an eyebrow?

How about the part where I compare Dove to Chuck Close .. in terms of what art the artist should work on? .. who people are now accusing of bad behavior.

» I Tried Not to .. but in the End I Couldnt Help Myself

Then, right after the section where I address this tidbit of artistic advice from a seasoned veteran .. I tell the guy who wrote the article that quoted Chuck .. I told him to go fuck himself .. even tho I said I wouldnt.

Sometimes I will title a new section before I ever write the section. But it is usually safer to wait until the section is done, or almost done.

When I was finished writing that section, where I told Carl that I wouldnt tell him to go fuck himself .. I couldnt help myself any longer, after writing that whole section, and I titled it » Go Fuck Yourself, Carl.

It was an honestly-felt title.

» Does it Make You Wonder Sometimes?

Regarding the things that I write and when I happen to write them .. along with the broader perspective that comes with the passage of time .. months and years .. It makes me wonder, sometimes.

This kind of thing actually happens quite a bit. I'm not really sure what to make of things like this.

You feel like, surely, there must be something going on here. But what?

And this does not even take into account the fact that this entry where I write to Harvey just so happened to fall on his birthday .. which just so happened to be the day that he turned 65 (.. which is the day when you are suddenly closer to 70 than to 60).

Back when I noticed that coincidence .. I remember thinking, "I feel like this must mean something .. but I havent a clue what it could be."

As I mentioned earlier, I was actually writing about this on another page.

I mean, it's easy enough to write off as yet another strange coincidence .. but when they happen often .. it makes you feel like something is going on here. (Even if you dont know what it means.)

» There's Something Happening Here

Sometimes, particularly at the end of a long day, when I am tired and spent and thinking about things without trying .. I will think, "Dude, no matter how you slice-n-dice it .. that's a trippy thing .. writing those two entries back-to-back like that. There is definitely something going on here."

And sometimes I will glance back over both shoulders .. to see if someone is back there behind me .. whispering in my ear.

You can go back and see where I wrote » "How is this young girl making me think about these things?" [ I wrote that is a section titled » Resonating Already? ]

I remember being surprised at myself for thinking about this thing .. on a rather deep level. And I wasnt even trying to.

Sometimes (not often) .. I have noticed .. that I become occupied with a certain direction of thought and inquiry. (Usually when I am trying to figure shit out.)

I probably do this thing more with Egan than with anybody else.

I have actually avoided reading some of his columns, at times, because I didnt want to become preoccupied with his ideas. Because I had other things that I needed to do. (Like flirt with you, girly.)

I used to also become preoccupied with things that Lauren had said. . where you are thinking deeply about something that they had said .. without even trying to. Like it is happening on its own.

I have also had this thought » "I do not even care about this thing .. so why am I still thinking about it? Maybe I need to go take a hit and relax. Fix myself a cup of herb tea and chill."

Sometimes (even less often) .. a certain concept will be ushered into my brain in such an immediate way .. that it makes me think it must mean something. Even tho I never really know for sure exactly what these things mean.

For example, do you remember when I wrote » "Why am I suddenly thinking about pair annihilation?"

This is exactly what I am talking about.

Another time, when I was writing to Hillary .. I suddenly started thinking of a scene in the movie The Counselor.

This is a movie that I had not thought of for a long time, and suddenly I could remember this one aspect very clearly.

I remember thinking, "I dont know what this means .. but this can't be a good sign for Hillary."

But your imagination will naturally start applying various potential scenarios. You can't stop these ideas from flying through the imaginative part of your mind.

Perhaps most eyebrow-raising (for me) was where I told her that I felt she was triggering me in the area of writing what only you can write.

I could go into mind-numbing detail here .. about what it says to me that I feel a trigger along the lines of writing what only I can write .. but suffice to say that it is very difficult for me to resist such a thing.

Dove herself, and especially the things that she was saying, this alone is difficult enough for me to resist. But when you add the element of writing what only I can write .. this says things to me .. in retrospect. (Things that I dare not write.)

» What it is Aint Exactly Clear

Girly, do you remember way back on » Page Four .. which feels like a hundred years ago .. do you remember when I wrote:

See .. right about here is where I would turn to you (as you are driving) and say, "Do you feel that? Or is that just me? Is there not something going on here? Something tingly and very unusual?"

And you would say, "Yes, I totally feel it. Definitely. Big time."

And I would say, "Is that me or is that you?" [ meaning » coming from .. that magical feeling of being sucked up into an enchanted tornado ]

And you would say, "It's you .. it's definitely you."

And then I would space out for a sec or two, thinking, "If it's me .. then how come I dont know what it means?" And then I would wonder what it might mean.

Today's entire entry is about just such things. I tried to tell you. You can't say, girly .. you can't say that I didnt try to warn you.

» Synchronicity Storms

When I was with the girl who you remind me of .. these kinds of things were happening like crazy.

I would be like, "Uh .. is it just me, or is this not some kind of strange thing going on here?"

And she would be like, "No .. it's not just you. There is definitely something very trippy going on here. This feels bigger than us."

These periods of intense synchronicity seem to come during certain seasons of your life .. and then they go away. But they can return.

Maybe it's about being in love? Maybe that is the thing that triggers it? I guess there is really only one way to find out.

» There is Definitely Something Going On Here with this Girl

To the degree that you are I are connected .. to the degree that we are quantumly entangled .. to the degree that we are in love ..

.. I can't help but wonder how such things might be affecting you.

The feeling here is something like "I dont know what's going on here .. but my spidey senses tell me that something is. Something definitely is going on here. And fuck if it dont feel bigger than me."

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