How Can this Impossible Thing Feel Like the Thing I've been Looking for My Whole Life? Page Two

This page continues from » Page One (21 June 2021).

Later, after the sun had set and it was completely dark out and I couldnt wait any longer .. that's when I saw you wearing those long-sleeve gloves. That's when I knew I was really in for it.

I honestly didnt know how much realness you would be bringing here .. but I knew from the git-go that the dial was going to be turned up.

The girly dial. The womanly dial.

One side of the dial is labeled 'Weak and diluted.' The other side is labeled 'Full-strength' with a flashing red caution warning.

It has been my experience that .. whenever those long-sleeve gloves come out .. this is when the womanly dial is fixin to be dialed up.levels that can only be called full-strength.

Every time and without fail.

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••• today's entry continues here below •••

Did you really say that the POV live performance video is » "rooted in the concept of duality." ? Did you really use the term duality?

After I saw this performance, I caught myself thinking about it. Not on purpose, mind you. Thoughts are coming to me on their own.

The next day, while I was getting into the shower, not trying to think about anything .. my hand reaching in and feeling the temperature of the water ..

.. I caught myself thinking, "She had to use the word duality. Of all the words in the dictionary, she uses duality."

This performance is strong. I see what you are doing, girly. Close encounters of the kind that come with long-sleeved satin gloves.

At first, I was rocked. I was rocked for a number of days.

» I'm Going to Need to Go Back to the Lab and Get Me Some Fresh Realness

It feels like there is now something that you need to deal with. And it looks very much like this is too much for you to handle. Too much deal with. Probably because you have never seen anything like this before.

So, naturally .. here is where you must check yourself .. to see if you have what it takes to deal with this new thing that has blown you mind, and continues to do so.

I remember walking down a long corridor, mindlessly thinking how I did not have what was necessary to deal with this new thing.

To be honest, my friend, I do not particularly enjoy this feeling. This feeling of not having enough. Of not being enough.

And sure, you can try to fake it. Who has not faked it before? But inside, you know that you are faking it.

This is where one of my Fuck it's came in. I knew that I would have to return to the Source. I would have to go back to the lab .. to the requisition depot. To the place where artists go when they need to up there game for primetime live.

Or you are going to feel like the most miserable person.

It's not like I dont know where the lab is. Oh, I know how to get to the lab. I know the deal. You can puruse my craft and you can see exactly where I been.

It won't take you very long, either. And if you can't see what I am talking about, then this speaks for itself. It does not bother me if someone cannot see the value in my craft.

Because I honestly did not know how to respond to this. It is difficult, if not impossible, to respond to something that is clearly overwhelming you .. beyond a moan, or a sigh, or a whimper.

And the Dispenser of gifts .. of artist gifts .. of all kinds of gifts .. always deals with you-the-person before dispensing the gift.

The Dispensor says things like, "Dude, I would gladly drop this thing on you in a heartbeat. I mean, here it is, perched right above your head, ready for me to let go and let you have it. But you are not able to handle this thing right now. I need you to up your game. I need you to drop this encumbering thing .. in order to make room for this new-n-improved thing that I have here waiting for you. Then I will drop this thing on you. The Helper will help you and lead you and guide you in the way that you should go .. in order to prepare yourself for this new thing that I have waiting for you. This super-cool new thing. You have never seen anything like this before. Trust me. This is something that you will need to experience for yourself. I can hardly wait to drop it on you. Hurry up and prepare yourself. This is going to be so much fun."

(Lisa knows what I am talking about. I see you, Lisa. After viewing both your new solo videos, and after thinking about things for some time, I felt myself fall in love with you. I felt myself slip over the edge and fall in. I was surprised at this because I did not know that I could feel this way about you. I'm not sure what it means, but I know that I like it. I have come to understand that I fall in love when I feel heard and understood and appreicated by someone I respect and admire. I like girls who help me to see things about myself and help me learn things about myself. 'Know thyself,' urged the ancients. You make me feel less alone in the world. What do you think this might mean? Please say hi to your Blackpink girlfriend for me. When you girls step out onto the stage, you do not look scared to me. When you step out on stage, I bet you feel like, "Ah, I finally feel like I'm back home where I belong and where I feel most comfortable.")

I have been here before. Many times I have been here. You can try to fake it and deal with the new thing using your old skill set. But something inside of you knows that you are faking it and that you are really a big pussy who is too scared to go back to the lab and get refitted for the real deal.

I mean, its totally understandable .. because these refit sessions are not very much fun. Not unless you are something of a masochist. Not unless you somehow enjoy having your soul being ripped apart.

It feels more like something that you let have done to you .. than something you are able to do yourself.

Parts you do yourself. But the real ripping-n-tearing is done to you. At least, that's the way it feels.

I would put everything in this subject-area under the general-heading of » perfection. I mean, that is what's going on here, right?

We are seeking within ourselves what it is that we need to take things to the next level .. and look good in the process.

It's one thing to take things to the next level. But it's an entirely different thing when you are able to look good in the process.

Surely we will be able to bring a bit of style to our thing. Maybe even a touch a of swag .. if the spirit moves us. You never know when the spirit might move you.

» Nobody Gets a Free Pass on the Uncomfortable Process of Perfection

Commenting along the line of the process of perfection .. the uncomfortable process .. which is far from a pleasant experience ..

.. students of scripture will know that not even the boss himself got a free pass when it came to the suffering associated with the process of perfection.

(Despite what some so called believers might think, or what they might have told me with their own mouths.)

And if the boss doesnt get a pass, then you aint going to get one either. Not a chance. This is where you learn to say, "Fuck it .. let's do this thing. I am no big pussy. I might get my ass kicked .. probably will. Probably more thn once .. but nobody will say that I'm not game."

» How It (Sometimes) Works for Me

I want to share something here that I have never told anybody before .. probably because it sounds crazy - even to me.

Because this is the thing that I experienced when I said, "Fuck it. Let's do this thing."

Such things are rare, but not singular.

While I am doing this-or-that, or thinking about something .. it's like somebody comes up behind me and drops a mural-like image right before me.

This image is wide as my arm-span and just as tall. Maybe even a little taller, and with a slightly rounded top, like it would fit nicely into an archway.

This image passes right through me. The part down by my feet hits the ground first, and then the entire image falls to the ground before me .. like a large sheet of paper. Something thin and flexible.

If I were to continue walking, or doing what I was, I would walk right into this image, which is now lying on the ground, or on the floor, before me.

And the quantity of time is represented as you progress into the image. It is like the things contained in the image want to become your new reality.

And most of the time when such things present themselves, I will say something like, "Dude, I see what you are saying here. And I am truly flattered, but my balls are not big enough for something like this. I am nowhere near this level."

But this time I said, "Fuck it. Let's do this thing."

"What kind of thing?" you ask?

I mean, that's the 64 trillion-dollar question, right?

» Now I Know Beyond the Shadow of a Doubt that I have the Thing I Need to Up My Game

But when you finally come out the other end .. after getting your ass kicked a number of times .. you are not wondering whether or not you have the thing that you need.

The thing to need to respond to whatever it was that was overwhelming you so thoroughly and completely.

No, ma'am. Rather, you know that you have the thing. (Folks might or might not be able to appreciate your thing .. but that is their problem, not yours.)

But if you respond without first doing the work and getting the equipment that you need to properly respond in a real way, in a natural way .. then they can tell that you are faking it. That you are only pretending your realness.

I know you know what I am talking about.

I mean, I was definitely not expecting this. Not on June 21st. The summer solstice came at night (8:42 PM) the previous day.

It didnt even dawn on me until a week after I watched this that you had pulled off this performance live. A freaking live performance.

I know it says LIVE on the YouTube page, but I was so twitterpated and blown away by other things that it didnt occur to me.

I know that I was rocked because I was doing something mindless at the kitchen sink, thinking about nothing in particular ..

.. and I caught myself thinking, "This girl is blowing my mind on a regular basis."

Here I was thinking about this performance coming so soon after that mind-blowing thing you did with the Weeknd.

Girly, you just show up on stage and people lose their minds. You werent even singing yet and already their minds were blown.

Even the Weeknd's mind was blown .. and he is no slouch of a vocalist himself, you know.

» This Is It - Here It Is

After a week or so after viewing this performance, there came this wonderful sense of satisfaction.

This sense of satisfaction was so wonderful that it seemed to permeate the furthest reaches of my soul.

And I thought, "This is what I have been looking for my whole life. This is it."

At least, one of the things. I mean, who knows how many things I am really looking for? .. that I am not even aware of? Things that I dont even know that I am looking for until I get them.

There is a wonderful sense of connection that accompanies the mutual respect and the mutual admiration .. when you find somebody who you admire and appreciate .. who also happens to admire and appreciate you as well.

It's not the easiest thing to put into words, but the feeling behind it is so cool that it is certainly worth the try. Worth the effort.

Girly, I thought of lots of things after I saw this video. Many, many things.

Remind me to tell you about what I thought about » The Moment Before the Words Come. The moment when there is just the thing and the thing itself.

Just the experience of the thing. All of the things that are just daring you to be put into words.

I am a writer. This is what I do. I put things into words. You know. All kinds of things I put into words .. things ranging from the satanic to the divine.

The writer in me always on the lookout for cool things that I may want to put into words. Something that will challenge me and help me grow my skill-set.

I have noticed, too, that I tend to choose topics that will allow me to explore other cool topics in the future.

Once you have established some kind of base for some given subject .. then you can use this base, however rudimentary it might be, as a launching pad of sorts .. to make my next leap.

This is why women fancy me, I have found. It is because of the way I am able to put things into words. Something about my ability to put things into words attracts them.

And I have put into words some very cool things. But there is a moment just before the words come.

Remind me to tell you about this moment. This is an important moment. Because you want to get the gist of what it is that you might happen to be experiencing.

This is the place where the writer wants to turn up the self-honesty. He wants to be fully present in the experience .. in the moment. In order to let the experience speak to him as clearly as possible.

Speaking of living in the moment .. I dated today's entry » 21 June 2021, because this is the date when you posted this video.

But today, the day that I am actually posting this text that you are reading right now .. today is actually Sunday, the 11th of July, 2021.

I want to focus primarily on things pertaining to this particular performance .. so I am setting the date as 21 June 2021. But I have actually been thinking about this performance for some time now.

» I Don't Want Anything to Disturb this Wonderful Sense of Satisfaction and Contentment

I see that you have since released another live performance with Mr. Ty Dolla Sign (7 July 2021).

I know this is going to rock, but I have not yet watched it .. because, sometimes, when we get a certain flavor in our mouths, or we get a certain feeling in our soul ..

.. that is so yummy and tasty and savory and scrumptious .. that we just want to suck out all the juicy-juice from that flavor.

I am sure that the next dish you have set in front of me represents an excellent dish in its own right .. but right now I am just feeling so satisfied and content and satiated and so wonderfully floaty ..

.. that I want to run with this feeling for as long as I can. I dont want anything to interfere with this flavor that I am sucking on right now .. because it is so yummy and because I dont know when I will taste such a scrumptious treat again.

It's the same way for me with sex. After super-ultimo next-galaxy sex, then I dont want to have sex again for longer than usual .. because I just want to keep floating in the lusciousness of the experience.

Crème brûlée all day.

Back when I was seeing that girl who you remind me of .. I remember thinking, "How can this impossible thing feel like the thing I have been searching for my whole life?"

Notice the phrase I use » feel like. In a nutshell, this feeling is a feeling of connection.

It is a rather robust feeling. Not at all flimsy. You can feel the overwhelming sense of attraction that you feel for this other person. And they feel similarly

And they are well-able to express their feelings and reciprocate your affections with ever more creative expressions.

There are an infinite number of variations on the theme, but this is the essence of this feeling that I am trying to express.

This feeling of satisfaction that penetrates and pervades and permeates even the furthest reaches of your soul.

Unfortunately, not everybody is going to make you feel this way. I didnt even know such a thing existed .. until I was way deep in it.

This is why I used this particular title for today's entry. I want to try to get a little closer to that feeling that I am unconsciously seeking without even realizing it.

Heh yourself, girly. Now you've really done it.

» This is All Womanly Woman Stuff You are Doing Now

Girly, I call you 'girly' by force-of-habit. But there is no girly left here. Nor was there any 'girl' left during the performance you did with the Weeknd. Not even a little.

This is full-strength womanly woman here. It's a beautiful thing. One of the most beautiful things people get to see. A full-blown woman feeling herself and bringing it full-strenth without any apology.

I imagine your actions saying different things to me. Some of these words arise from my existential experience of you.

This is a bitchin' set you have here. Nighttime, with control over the mood-lighting.

Plus, you know I am a sucker for all things natural. It's hard to do better than Mother Nature herself. Patient are her processes.

Your set makes me want to make a bonfire. So that, after you're done, we can move all gather 'round the fire and eat smores.

This set is like Close Encounters of the Otherworldly Kind. Of the intimate kind.

Do you remember the time that I said to you about the thing that makes you you to me?

It's a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new life. You'll see what I mean.

Things are very different for me here in my new digs. Everything seems so different.

To what degree are we formed or influenced by the environments in which we live? (asked the curious man.)

This is the end of this page. ■

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This page contains a single entry by Rad published on June 21, 2021 6:21 PM.

How Can this Impossible Thing Feel Like the Thing I've been Looking for My Whole Life? Page One was the previous entry in this blog.

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