I Feel Your Pain

The time right now is 11:43 pm here on the left coast and this page is live .. today being the 22nd of August, 2022.

Timestamp Worldclock Monday 22 August 2022 at 11:31 pm San Diego time

You know what they say about the journey of a thousand miles » it begins with a single step.

I would not use such a cool, once-a-century date such as this on just any kind of writing.

Windows log-in screen Sycamore Canyon, Arizona at 8:22 on Monday 22 Aug 2022

No. Not hardly. Au contraire.

I would have to do something special on a date like today. Something extra special.

I would have to bring the kind of smoke that nobody has ever seen before. I might even have to do the impossible. (I've done it before.)

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I don't even really know what I am going to be writing today. That's how special this is going to be.

I normally try to set expectations lower, and then exceed them comfortably. But I cannot lower the expectations for today .. even if I wanted to.

Blackpink Pink Venom, Low angle shot of Lisa's green pumps walking away across broken mirror (18 Aug 2022)

I will be fanning out my peacock feathers all kinds of ways today. My writer's peacock feathers.

» The Ability to Feel the Pain of Another Human Soul is Not a Universal Attribute

Before I get into some serious strutting, I would simply like to note here .. that, in reference to the title .. that act of feeling someone else's pain, their suffering ..

.. this is generally described by the terms » empathy and compassion.

Now, you might think that such a thing, the ability to feel the pain of another, you might think, as I once did myself, that this is a universal ability.

You might think that everybody can feel the pain of another person. Because everybody is human. We all have the same, basic interface with life in general. So it would be just a simple adjustment to feel the pain of another.

But you would be wrong. Some people simply do not possess the ability to empathize with another human soul.

I do not know why they do not have this seemingly universal ability. There are probably many reasons.

But my point is simply to note that feeling the pain of another human soul, this is not a universal ability. And different people possess it to different degrees.

I know that this is not the lind of pain that you are talking about, but I mention it because scripture teaches that God is full of compassion.

» Blackpink Coming to Your VMA Area

Oh, I see that you girls will be performing at the VMAs this weekend. I am very much looking forward to seeing that.

I already know that you will kill it. Because this is what you do.

» Couldn't Get a Dollar Outta Me

You know, the night of the day when I first saw you new video, I was resting quietly on my bed at the end of a busy day.

I have a wedge-shaped pillow that I use when I'm not yet ready for sleep. And I could hear a voice quietly and calmly saying, close to my ear, "Dude, now you can sit there and pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about."

"But I know and you know .. that Lisa is talking to you there."

Blackpink Pink Venom | Lisa telling me it makes no sense I couldnt get a dollar outta her (18 Aug 2022)

"You know exactly what she's talking about. She made big fucking deal about dropping a dollar on your broke ass. Didnt she?

"We've had this conversation before."

"So, what are you going to do about it? Are you going sit there and pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about? Are you going to be a big pussy and chicken out?"

"Or are you going to rise to the occasion and do the impossible [ que up MI theme song and light the fuse ] and make it look easy when you throwdown with style and grace while looking good?"

What do you make of this? I know that this is what crazy people think. I know this better than anybody.

It is really such a trippy feeling. There is definitely a mind-blowing aspect to it.

In your money video, when you say, "Droppin' on  my ass tonight," I thought, "Oh, I love this girl."

» You Make Me Feel Less Alone in the World

At the end of the day, after the mind-blowing aspect of it settles down, I am left with this feeling that makes me feel less alone in the world.

I like this feeling. I like it a lot. It is definitely one of my favorite feelings.

You can't make yourself have this feeling. You either have it, or you don't. You can't decide to have this feeling. Someone else has to give this feeling to you. No?

» Insecure Men Use Money as a Way to Attract and Control and Gain an Advantage Over Women

When the idea first struck me, I was reminded of what Abram told the King of Sodom. But this is not that.

I know you are feeling this thing. I can tell that you are feeling this thing.

It kind of freaks me out a little. Sometimes even more than a little. Because of the implications. But what can I do with this? There is no ignoring this.

I was thinking earlier today about you. Would you like to know what kinds of things I was thinking about? I bet you would. I feel pretty confident that you would indeed like to know.

I was thinking about your approach town taking souls. I do not not actually want to touch your soul. Because your soul is so cool. So amazingly cool and creative and talented.

I wouldnt want to do anything to disturb that.

» I Want to be One of Your 150

But I would like something deeper. I would like a piece of your heart. To be specific, I would like 1/150th of your heart.

Researchers have determined that 150 is the number of personal relationships that we humans can interact with at-n-on a personal level.

In my game, we all get 150 people with whom we get to interact with on a personal level. (And personal is not far from intimate, you know.)

On the nuclear submarine that I was assigned to, our crew consisted of 150 people .. of all different disciplines and skill-sets. You can do a lot with 150 people when they have been well-trained.

Now, people have to agree to be on your team. You can't recruit people who do not want to be on your team. But who is not going to want to be on your team?

I want all four of you, actually. So talk to your friends for me, and encourage me to be one of their 150, too.

Anybody who has you four girls on their teams, on their roster, this is almost like cheating. Because you girls kick so much ass.

I am seeing plenty of blown minds when I watch these reaction video. And I can totally relate to the feeling.

Folks can delete old members and add new ones as their world grows around them. Admittedly, 150 is a limited number.

But limitations don't seem to mean much to you girls. Limitations are things meant to be transcended. While looking sparkly, of course.

» A Snapshot of My Existential Reality that Feels Curiously Sync'ed to Things Bigger than Me

I'd like to sketch out my existential reality here .. because it gives context to life and our experienced of life.

Something in me likes to take an honest look at life. As honest as possible.

Beyond the honest look, I like to get a 'feel' for the reality of my experience of life. An honest feel. An impression. A gisty-like thing. It's hard to describe, but you know when you have it.

Anyway, I had labs on Thursday, the 18th. I remember planning that appointment. I put extra consideration into scheduling that appointment on that particular day. I wanted to make sure that I got it right.

That was the only day for that appointment that felt rught to me. For a number of reasons.

So, there was a chunk of iron sitting in my arm on Thursday afternoon. From which a girl took 3 vials (of blood) from me.

She took my blood after I had fasted for 12 hours. So I was hungry when I left.

Now this lab appointment was also the very first time that I called for transportation since I arrived here in SD.

Not having to call for transportation represented freedom to me. The freedom of not needing to ever have somebody come pick me up.

The labs are only a mile away. I have walked there and back a few times already. And I love walking through the city and feeling its vibe. I like this a lot. \

But the street that takes me to the labs runs along a bus route. And you can naturally smell the diesel fumes.

Then, right before you arrive at the labs offices, you cross over a big-ass freeway with four or five lanes going each way. Very loud.

After 12 hours of fasting, the carbon monoxide shows up in your blood. So this is why I called for transportation for 1-mile trip.

But I walked home. Chipotle is right on the way home at First-n-Broadway. I stopped there and ate the whole football-sized burrito like it was nothing. I was a hungry boy.

It was probably closer to 14 hours that I fasted.  I do sense a little performance-anxiety when my labs come due.

Nevertheless this was a first for me in calling for transportation . where I am sort of conceding to my reality. I was conceding toi myself that's it's okay for me to call for transportation here in SD.

I don't lose any freedom by calling for transportation. I never want to limit myself with dysfunctional thinking that has remained beyond its useful life.

My general existential realiy since April could be chararcterized by one increasingly sucky thing after another. Most of it due to no fault of my own.

I don't want to wade into any suckiness right now. But I merely mention this for an existential datapoint.

April 1st was my 1-year anniversary here in SD. I was so freaking happy. A year after I was delivered from the authority of darkness.

Darkness does not like it, you know, when you remember when you were delivered from its authority and ugliness. No.

Because then somebody else might get the idea that they can also be delivered. The darkness wants to keep what it has.

The darkness is hostile toward even the idea .. that somebody might be liberated from the grasp of its authority over them .. with its merciless and cruel form of authority, based on fear and intimidation.

You know what I am saying. Everybody has been there, at one time or another. And likely very many times.

I have come off the Wellbutrin as of April, for which I felt a wonderful sense of accomplishment after 4 years on it.

And I was okay with coming off it. But the swings have definitely been more pronounced. The highs are higher, the lows lower. Both by a good margin.

But, like I said, I am okay with it. I can handle it. I can deal with it.

The reason why Father's day did not bother me this year is because of the tooth pain I was experiencing leading up to the day.

For a tooth that I had extrated in June. I was never so happy to lose a body part.

Pain is a funny thing, you know. I was eating so many Advil that I started throwing up.

The pain comes and goes. At first, it only comes a little, and not very often. But the situation gradually becomes increasingly dire.

This is why Father's day posed no problem for me this year. Like it did last year, when it fucked me up for a week or two.

I learned a lot about pain this summer. You can see things more clearly when we are in the midst of it. Things that we couldn't see at a distance. The nature of pain and its effects.

Then, I had to move again. I moved on August 1st. I only had to move to a different unit in the same bldg, and on the same floor.

But it was still an unsettling experience that took a toll on me. Probably from the psychological aspects.

This move down the hall took much more of a toll on me than the one coming down here.

That was a move that I wanted to make. Because I wanted to come down here. Because I wanted to leave there. Because I was being treated so poorly there.

But I did not want to make the move this month. It's a bizarro story that I may share later. But not right now.

August 1st was the anniversary of my "How you like me now? entry from last year. A part of me wanted to establish a annual pattern. Of flirting on this day.

But I could not do this because I was busy finishing up yet another move .. one which I had begun two weeks earlier.

The whole hallway had to move. Maybe thirty units. Nobody was happy about that. Plenty of folks looking tired and haggled.

These are the key existential realities helped form my mindset when I took in your pink venom song. It matters.

It matters where you are when take in a song for the for the first time. Because this is going to affect your experience.

These things probably mean nothing to anybody but me. But to me, they are significant. Because they speak to my existential reality, which is naturally going to affect my experience of your song.

Do you girls have a ritual that you do right before you walk out on stage? I am curious.

I mean, you are this enormously successful group in a business that is notoriously unforgiving. So whatever it is that you are doing is obviously working.

I know that it is really the countless hours of hard work and dedication to the craft that you girls have been putting in for years now. Without which, you would not be where you are.

But I am also curious about how the four of you work together to make this happen.

Do you have a ritual where you join hands when they say, "We're almost ready for you girls."
Do you consciously bring intention into this ritual?

A part of me feels like I am prying into things that are really none of my business.

» Girls Who Become a Catalyst to Help You Escape from the Land of Self-Deception

Different girls bring out different things in me. I can feel it. I can feel the different parts of me being activated and turned on and lit up and going into motion.

It feels like I am discovering a part of myself that I did not even know existed before. It is a very cool experience.

A little scary because, I mean, how could you possibly possess something like this all the time and not even know it?

Not even realize it. Not even be aware of it. Because, if it could be true with this, then it could also be true of other things, too.

Here is where self-awarenes comes into play. And whenever I started talking about self-awareness and things related to escaping from self-deception .. then we are already very deep, and fixin' to venture much deeper.

The saving of the soul is very much connected to escaping from self-deception. Where you are really just learning about yourself.

But it is not uncommon to discover parts of yourself that might n ot be pretty.

You might find yourself to be an asshole. You might discover that you are really a dickhead. You might perceive that you are really a big prick.

I could continue, but you feel me. And sometimes the dickhead in you might not want to leave. He might like being a dickhead.

He is certainly very good at it. At being a dick. At  eing a prick. (Because he has learned from experts over the years.)

I am getting away from my original curiosity about your pre-show ritual, if any.

Part of me imagines the four of you joining hands. Where one of you says, "What do we do?"

To which the other three say, "We slay. We take no prisoners. We slay them all. Everfy last one."

Then the first girl affirms her friends, saying, "You got that right. Let's do this. Let's do this thing."
And then, of course, the four of shout your now-famous 'Blackpink' war-cry in unison.

Next thing we know, you girls are walking out onto the stage to the deafening sound of cheers. It must be a very cool feeling.

And you girls are still so young. It's only going to get better from here. I know this seems impossible, but you girls make the impossible look easy on a regular basis.

You just seem so much bigger than life.

I know that this right here seems like the end of this page, but really, this page has no end. ■

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This page contains a single entry by Rad published on August 22, 2022 8:22 PM.

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