Anxiety and Depression - Page Three

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Now, when I took the benzos and opiates together during the dark days of treatment, I never had this feeling like I am having now .. of not being able to get enough air.

I actually felt fine. There was no sense of not being able to get enough air. It simply occurred to me that I didnt seem to be breathing, and that I wasnt breathing unless I consciously breathed on purpose.

That was a weird feeling, but not one that produced any kind of real anxiety.

I wondered why, if I didnt seem to be breathing, why I didnt feel any lack of air. Was it all just in my head? I realized that the chemo made me feel a little spacey.

» Just Trying to Stay Alive

I did not like this feeling of wondering if there might be something wrong with my breathing. During treatment, you are just trying to stay alive .. in more ways than one.

So you dont want or need anything that adds another hurdle in this area .. this area of simply trying to stay alive.

I lost 40 lbs during treatment .. frighteningly fast. At 140 lbs, there is not much of me left.

And my stomach wanted nothing to do with food. The chemo wrecks your gut. Beyond aloe vera juice and those cans of Ensure that my chemo doctor insisted I make myself drink a few times a days .. that was all I could do.

And it took me 45 minutes to drink a little can of Ensure. If I tried to hurry it any faster, that puppy was coming right back up. (This I learned the hard way.)

Most people who go through this treatment get a feeding tube stuck into the side of their stomach. I was one of the few who didnt.

I was not keen on the idea of tubes sticking out of my body. Although I did walk around with a IV in my arm .. after a CT scan.

My weight seemed to be on a trajectory heading frantically for zero. A mad dash toward that general direction.

So every day on my treatment calendar was a big day. A big accomplishment.

The best part of every day was drawing a big, black X over that day. You cannot imagine.

Suffice to say that I am familiar with real, no-shit, life-threatening causes of anxiety. Well familiar.

Even now I have to make myself eat. There are things in your stomach, my cousin tells me, that send a signal to your brain to tell you should eat. "Yours might be broken," she said.

One time, after a long walk on an empty stomach, I thought, "Ooh, I think I might actually feel hungry."  Like it surprised me.

» Nick-n-Priyanka?

As a side note regarding Demi Lovata .. do you think that Nick Jonas getting engaged to Priyanka Chopra after only a couple of months of dating had anything to do with her recent near-death scare?

They have been tight for a long time.

Some say that it was split with Wilmer that triggered her relapse, but that was two years ago.

» What Does Selena Think?

I wonder what Selena thinks of my theory. She is a thoughtful person.

Sending love, Selena.

This Talko video says that you admit that Justin's marriage is the reason for your mental breakdown .. combined with your health problems.

Do you want me to kick Justin's ass for you?

I think that such a thing would not be unusual. I mean, everybody was surprised to hear that you were "over Justin for good."

How can you ever really be over Justin for good?

Even the Weeknd couldnt keep you away for long.

» Once a Rift Opens in the Relationship, It Can be Hard to Put Humpty Back Together

I have found, and it has been my experience .. that it is difficult making progress in a relationship when you keeping banging into the same problems .. over and over.

At some point you eventually must admit that this particular relationship does not work for you.

And if it is not working for you, then it is probably not working for your lover either.

It doesnt mean that anybody is necessarily a bad person. It just means that you two do not jibe together at an intimate level.

Some people arent even looking for intimacy. So it depends a lot on what you are looking for in a relationship.

» Sense of Self

It is not unusual for people to derive their sense of self and personal contentment from their intimate relationships.

Who has not done this?

Some people will even remain in a bad (dysfunctional) relationship because they view it as better than being alone.

We love you, Demi.

» The Courage to Talk About Mental Health Issues

Speaking of sending love to Demi Lovato .. what do you think about what Lili Reinhart said when she received the 'Conscious' award from Variety?

She looked up to and appreciated Demi for having the courage to talk publicly about mental health issues.

It makes us feel less alone in the world when we hear about people who have some of the same challenges as we might have.

I agree with Lili there. I have heard some of the things that Demi has said and I was struck by and impressed with her candor.

» The Stigma Associated with Mental Health Issues

Most people do their best to hide and conceal these types of things.

I was talking to cousin Patti and my mental health problems, and she said that there is a stigma associated with mental health issues.

Not only do people typically try to hide and conceal their mental health issues, but they dont even want to admit such things to their own selves.

Most people will stay in denial until they no longer can .. when their mental illness starts affecting their lives.

» Saddled with Unrealistic Expectations

Lili said some other things that I found interesting .. such as being saddled with unrealistic expectations.

I may return later to comment on some of her statements. These are very mature things that she is saying for a 21 year old girl.

I can't help but think that somebody is helping her craft these mature sentiments.

Probably from her Bongo BFF Camila Mendes .. aka Veronica Lodge.

I shouldve known.

» Loving a Person Just as They Are

Seeing how she is saying such mature things .. I wonder what she thinks about what Tolstoy said in Anna Karenina .. how true lovers love the whole person just as they are .. and not as you would like them to be.

Because this is a very mature thought. A very mature idea. Go ahead and give it a try and you'll see exactly what I mean. Go ahead and love somebody just as they are .. flaws-n-all.

» Not as Easy as it Sounds

You need to do a lot of work on yourself before you can get to this place. You need to work on and resolve your issues .. or at least most of them, and all of the major ones.

Which is no picnic, my friend. You must somehow summon the courage to confront these things. Prince Harry and Meghan know what I am talking about.

Most people would rather have you stick needles in their eyes.

[ Prince Harry was 12 when his mother died (at 36). His birthday came two weeks later. Welcome to your teenage years. What a bummer that mustve been. It's a miracle that he isnt more fucked up than he is. ]

"Let's just pretend like they dont exist," they seem to be saying. All the while their issues are (negatively) affecting everybody around them.

The guys at the Academy-of-Ideas know what I am talking about.

You can hide and conceal your issues for brief periods .. but not for extended periods. That nasty, toxic shit will start oozing out.

And if you try to hold it in, when it finally does come out, it will come gushing out .. because you have been effectively storing it up for a while.

The longer that you bottle up that venom, the bigger and longer the toxic gush will be.

» That's Exactly How I Feel

I am familiar with the effect of being saddled with unrealistic expectations. I think that most people are. It sucks, and fame must only make it that much worse.

When I read Lili's comments, I thought, "That's exactly how I feel." (I think that this may be why I try to keep things secret. One of the reasons, anyway.) Which is probably why I am mentioning her comments here.

» The State of My Condition Walking into His Office

My situation, when I went in to see this shrink .. my situation was such that, if I took half an Ativan before bed .. then I would sleep through the night.

But if I didnt .. then I would wake at some point during the night feeling unable to catch my breath. Now, I only have a limited number of these pills left. So I dont want to waste them. Even thought they are way expired, they still seem to work good.

The effects of Lorazepam last for "12-24 hours" and its half-life is 10-20 hours. So this stuff stays in your system for a while.

» 90 Minutes of Pure Suckiness

One time, I didnt take any Ativan before bed .. because I thought that I was feeling better. But I woke feeling unable to catch my breath.

I said, "Fuck it," and decided to ride it out and see how long it lasted.

That was 90 minutes of pure suckiness. Afterwards, I was exhausted .. both physically and emotionally. Day was just beginning to break at that point. Talk about the darkside of the morning.

This is referred to as an anxiety attack, and not a panic attack, the shrink said .. because a panic attack only lasts 5 or 10 mins, and there are other symptoms that accompany a panic attack.

» More Fragile .. both Physically and Emotionally

After treatment, I have definitely felt more fragile .. both physically and emotionally. I tire more easily and it takes me longer to recover when I push it and get over-tired.

I bet that this girl knows what I am talking about.

My emotional swings have been more severe .. feeling both happy and sad, at different times. Seemingly insignificant things would either bum me out or make me very happy.

I feel less able, physically and emotionally speaking, to deal with bullshit after treatment. To a degree, I focus more on just trying to stay alive. (Yesterday, I was 3½ years out.)

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This theme continues here » One Month into Antidepressants (31 August 2018).

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