Starving Writer SOS - Page Five

This entry continues from here » Page Four (1 Nov 2018).

» Send a Moving Truck with a Couple of Strong Dudes

Maybe you could send a moving truck here .. a few days before New Years .. along with a couple of muscular dudes to load my shit. I have very little stuff.

Everything I have could easily fit into the smallest U-haul truck. And then they could take me to my new place.

I have no bed. No furniture. Just clothes and books and a laptop. A couple of bikes. It makes moving easy. Unencumbered.

Heck, I probably really only need one strong dude.

My mom used to say, "The things you own end up owning you."

You can spend a good chunk of your life just tending to all your stuff .. and not writing or creating, or tending to the things that are really important in life.

I got rid of most of my crap when I moved here from Orange county. (Here in northern San Diego county. It takes an hour to get to the OC. Probably 75 mins all the way to Laguna.)

So right about now is when I can use that bed .. the one with my name on it. (You and Nicki must have ESP.)

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••• today's entry continues here below •••

» Curious Timing

Or maybe a few days before Christmas would be better .. because that is the day I wrote the entry titled » The Place where Imagination becomes Reality.

I find the timing of this whole thing very interesting .. for numerous reasons. Though I dare not say why.

» Contacting My Congressman for Help

This might be a good place to say that, back when I was in court every other week .. to defend myself from accusation after accusation ..

.. and my son was caught in the middle ..

.. I started feeling desperate, because the courts were bending me over on a regular basis and giving it to me with gusto and glee.

This was even though every accusation kept being deemed 'unfounded'. (Unfounded means bullshit.)

The dog suggested I first write, then schedule a visit with my congressman .. who is supposedly my representative in government.

So I sent him a nice care package with copies of lots of official documents, and I asked, "Does this sound even remotely reasonable to you?"

I left out lots of crap because there was just so much of it. But the stuff that I did include was hair-raising .. if you ask me.

» Rohrabacher Forwarded My Package to the Court

Rohrabacher was my congressman at the time. I later discovered that he had forwarded the whole package to the court .. when the court sent it back to me.

They included a letter saying that they had not opened my package, my envelope, for some kind of legal reason. They said that the thing that I was trying to do (replace the judge) often needed the help of a lawyer ..

.. which costs money .. which I didnt have .. because they were ordering me to pay amounts that I couldnt begin to afford.

Anyway .. supposedly nobody at the court read my package .. but you could see the change in attitude toward me.

Sure, they still fucked me over on a regular basis .. but at least they were nice about it now.

"Sorry that we have keep fucking you over again and again. We really feel bad about it .. because there has been so much of it. But, if you dont mind, would you mind bending over again? Thanks for being so understanding about everything."

» Rohrabacher Defeated by a Lagunatic

Rohrabacher being defeated .. by this dude from Laguna .. this is a big deal. This is a big fucking deal .. for a number of reasons. (Coffee Joe knows what I am talking about.)

Republicans lose every congressional district seat in Orange County (16 Nov 2018)

This guy is from Laguna and his first name is Harley. How can you not like this guy?

» Probably Shouldnt Write That

[ Dont make me have to tell the motorcycle story. Because I was feeling the Aloha spirit in a big way.

I actually began to tell this story just recently .. but before I could press the 'Publish' button ..

.. my whole laptop spontaneously rebooted .. seemingly on its own.

It felt like somebody was watching me compose that paragraph .. and thought that this was bad idea.

While the laptop was rebooting, I said to whatever NSA person who was watching me write » "You're right .. I probably shouldnt write that." ]

» House Majority Leader Overheard Saying that Putin Pays Rohrabacher and Trump

This section on Rohrabacher might seem out-of-place .. but it's not.

Because House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy was overheard saying » "There's two people I think Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump." [ 15 June 2018 ]

"Honest to God."

» Liking the Person Themself

I have purposefully avoided mentioning money with you .. because, when I had lots of money myself, I sometimes wondered if a girl really liked me for me .. or if it was because of the car I drove, or because I always had plenty of cash.

I wanted you to feel like I like you for you, and not for anything material-based. You know what I am saying. This is why I did not reveal the reason for the panic attacks.

I simply wrote » At the beginning of this month, I received information that most people would find both depressing and anxiety inducing.

In retrospect, I feel that this was a fair assessment of the reason for my mental health issues. Mental health is very much influenced by your physical health. No?

» Running Barefoot Everyday on the Beach at Crystal Cove

When you are running on the beach at Crystal Cove everyday .. barefoot after bringing up gnarly stuff out of the deepest recesses of your soul .. and trying to form this intangible stuff into thoughts and words that accurately capture and portray the essence of the thing ..

.. running on the beach helps to keep the head clear, and the stress low, and the hormones high.

» Searching for the Psychologically-Healthy Intimate Relationship

The best exercise, I think most artists would agree .. is regular sex with a lover who you trust and respect as a moral, sentient being .. who just so happens to turn you on something ferocious.

Because growth in a healthy (not dysfunctional) intimate relationship helps you develop as a person .. which naturally contributes to your growth as an artist.

At first it is pretty hard to put this stuff into words .. I will admit. But if you keep at it year after year .. for whatever reason you might happen to find .. then your writing machinery gradually starts to work more efficiently.

The writing gears become lubricated.

Sometimes I purposefully throttle my reading because I dont want to have my writing too influenced by a single source.

If you read after a certain writer, your writing will start to reflect the influence .. to some degree .. whether great or small.

When you first start writing, the influence very great.

The voice in my head kept saying, "Dude, you sound just like that guy you were reading." And I would have to admit that it did indeed seem that way.

Then of course, you can't help but feel like a big phony. Because you feel like a copycat, and not like an authentic voice of your own .. coming from a creature designed and created in the image and likeness of the Living God Himself .. the Eternal One. The Original Creator. You know.

The thing that takes you to the next level, as a writer, is always something within you that eventually manifests itself in your writing.

» Personal Growth Leads to Artistic Growth

You have to grow as a person .. whatever that might happen to mean to you .. in order to grow as an artist.

After you grow as a person, the growth as a writer follows naturally and easily. It is almost like the cherry on the top of the cake.

I am not about the money .. or, at least I try not to be. But some people are very much about the money, and yes, it is all too easy to feel this way.

If I was about the money, I would have hooked up with the doctor-chick.

The real value in an intimate relationship comes from the piece of yourself that you give to your lover. This declares and defines the value and the nature of the relationship.

It depends what part you decide to give them. Are you going to give them a baloney sandwich or a slab of prime rib? And this takes time to determine which cut they deserve.

If you give a plate of prime rib to someone who can only give you an emotional baloney sandwich in return .. this type of relationship will not be satisfying. (Ask me how I know.)

The more satisfying, the better? More satisfying sex is better sex .. no? By definition.

Girly, 10 PM California time .. this will be our special time. I will check your Twitter and Instagram for secret clues that you might post at or near this time.

And Saturday at 6PM .. this will be our weekly time.

» I Can Feel You Drawing It Out of Me

You have never seen anything the likes of me before. (At least, this is what everybody keeps telling me.)

You know how I try to keep things on the down-low .. but you seem to be drawing it out of me.

I can see myself writing things that I never imagined writing. There is a trippy, challenging aspect to it.

But I can write things to you, and with you, and at you, and even on you sometimes .. that I simply cannot write with anyone else.

I know that you can see this. You can see this better than anybody.

(I am feeling a sweet sense of intimacy here. fyi.)

I have been keeping an eye out for a potential ending for years now. But this thing just keeps on going.

See .. back when the writing locomotive pulled up to my doorstep .. I knew that there was no telling where this thing would go. This is why I was seriously trying to evaluate the size and scope of this thing.

I can see now that I had no clue. But I am glad that I didnt pussy out. I did not feel up to it, no. That's why I said "Fuck it."

Because I didnt feel up to the challenge. Not at that exact moment. How can you ever be ready for something like this?

» What Do You Think of This Ego?

Girly, have you seen the size of my ego lately? (I had to remove the hinges from the door here .. in order to be able to fit my head out of the room.)

I really do try to keep my ego under control .. but this is no easy task with you around.

Sometimes I dont even try (.. to control my ego). I can see it is no use. You know these times that I am talking about. I blame this all on you.

I have been saying to my ego, "Dude, you need to chill with that .. or you're going to start attracting attention."

But this is what I do when I like a girl. Sometimes it actually seems to happen on its own .. like something in me is reaching out to her from inside.

I can be smooth .. when that thing kicks in.

» Nuclear-Grade Dependability

It helps if you have a dependable partner .. who you can trust .. who is not going to stab you in the back when you are at your lowest point.

It helps a lot. Without dependability, the relationship is severely limited. And may not even be viable. It is a definitely a key ingredient.

The military does not let undependable people operate their reactors.

Nuclear-powered submarine underway surfaced

They call it, "Demonstrated Unreliability."

This means that they can't use you .. because they can't depend on you.

[ I am going to write a tangent here on the topic of dependability. I know a lot about dependability. I want to be ready for this. I am not ready right now. ]

» Setting Realistic Expectations

This is why I always like to disclose my liabilities up front .. so that your partner knows better exactly what you can do for them, and what you can't do.

Set the expectations to something realistic. It is not going to be a knight in shining armor who never farts, while he rides in on a magnificent white stallion .. which has a gigantic schlong, of course.

Your partner should know where you are strong, and the areas that need work.

» Be Brave Enough to Know Thyself in an Honest and Realistic Way

This why you need to know thyself in an honest sort of way. And no, it's not easy. Far from it, my friend.

We are better at deceiving ourselves than others (at t=1:10)

For example, I know that I have issues around manipulation. For a number of reasons. If a girl introduces manipulative postures into the relationship .. it is over for me.

It would be an exercise in futility. And neither of us are going to be satisfied in and with such a relationship.

I do not want to be in any kind of relationship with a manipulative person. (Ask me how I know.)

I can feel myself trying to figure it out .. why some girls just seem to have an intuitive knack for me. They somehow manage to activate things in you that you did not even know were there.

It sometimes feels like they activate (stimulate?) things that actually were in you .. but that you somehow werent conscious of .. as if these now-obvious things were hiding in one of your blindspots.

» The Coolest Thing

And then, when you are in love, of course .. the high-voltage stuff .. this somehow opens the floodgates and the channels and gets stuff flowing back and forth.

It seems so hard to describe, because it is intangible in some ways .. but it is just the coolest thing .. which is why I invested the time and energy and firsthand research .. to try to figure women out.

Especially a certain type of woman .. but please dont ask me to describe her for you.

I can see why Freud had such a hard time, and why he needed to consume such large quantities of drugs.

And yes, these women are dangerous. Though I won't go into detail. (But I could.)

Speaking of cool things .. I want to address the advantages of the digital platform vs pre-digital print .. to the days before the connectivity that the Internet brought to the Twenty-First century. The New Millennium .. with the Age of Enlightenment in our rearview mirror.

I started writing long before the days of HTML (1993).

I play with and I experiment with these cool new powerful toys that we have today.

» Deeper Faster

See .. back in the old days .. writers would include cool, subtle references to things that you would not normally recognize had you not already read his previous work.

HTML allows the writer to include a link, a hyperlink, that allows a new reader to discover the subtlety behind the reference.

It allows him to get up to speed faster, and with more depth of understanding.

I see how HTML in general, and the hyperlink in particular .. I see how these new technologies are superior to pre-digital capabilities.

The technology has changed rapidly since the early days of the mid-1990's. It has not been easy to keep up. Nor has it been cheap.

And something in me wants to take writing as far as I can. So I naturally seek the most powerful vehicle.

And I havent even mentioned the advantages that come with full-color images and video.

I think that I am starting to talk crazy writer talk. I think a lot about these things. "Too much," chimes in the one of the voices in my head.

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This page contains a single entry by Rad published on November 1, 2018 11:01 PM.

Starving Writer SOS - Page Four was the previous entry in this blog.

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