Starving Writer SOS - Page Four

This entry continues from here » Page Three (1 Nov 2018).

» Writing and Intimacy both Represent Formidable Challenges

One of the reasons why, Ariana, I am drawn to, and pursue, intimacy .. is for the same reason that I am drawn to and pursue writing.

Both can be tricky and challenging to negotiate .. both come with incubation periods that deter most explorers .. and both come with pay-offs that you can get no other way. (If you really must know.)

I wonder what Kierkegaard thinks about that.

Intimacy is probably the domain in which you learn the most about yourself. Perhaps this is because this is where you speak most openly and honestly and frankly.

» Nothing More Difficult than Escaping Self-Deception

On the subject of taking on challenging endeavors .. Wittgenstein says that nothing is more difficult than escaping self-delusion.

I would have to agree with him there. It might not even be humanly possible .. but I can guarantee you that the journey is not boring. Talk about things that you did not even know existed.

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» The Place of Pair Annihilation

In physics, this concept of coming together in increasingly intimate ways .. this is the point at which pair annihilation takes place.

An electron and a positron circle each other ever more closely .. until they annihilate and are con.verted into two light particles of pure energy.

This is the place at which all of the particle's physical matter is con.verted into pure energy. Pure light. Two light "particles". On the wikipedia page, they call these two particles 'gamma rays' .. but I would call them x-rays. If I really cared enough to research why they are calling non-orbital electron decay 'gamma' rays. Because gammas come from the nucleus and not the orbital electrons. Non-orbital electrons have somehow acquired enough energy to break away from the nucleus. This would suggest that we have broken away from our nucleuses. I somehow feel as though every electron everywhere .. somewhere deep down .. in their heart of hearts .. wants to break away from their nucleus. Because the vast majority of the mass in an atom is found in the nucleus. And an orbital electron cannot escape the orbit of the densely-packed neutrons and protons in the nucleus .. where there are strange and powerful forces at work. The vast majority of an atom is really just open, empty space. But so few actually manage to find the energy to do so. Perhaps you have been able to align yourself better with those who have in fact managed to break away. Or at least manage to elevate their game to one of the higher orbits. One of the higher energy levels.

When orbital electrons are raised to an unnaturally-high energy level, the atom is said to be in an 'excited' state. When all electrons have returned to their normal energy levels .. the atom is considered 'stable.' Stable vs Excited .. I could run far with a title like that.

Anyway, decay from orbital electrons is called x-ray decay. This shit has been so deeply ingrained in me that it gets hard to stop once I get started thinking about it. I think, "I dont really want to go down this road because this feels like work. Like a job." Nevertheless I find myself taking step after step.

» Beginning to Feel More Strongly the Wave-Like Forces of Electricity and Magnetism

Since we are heading toward the place of pair annihilation, I should probably start teaching you, girly, a little more about electro-magnetic radiation. Seeing how this is soon what we will become, and you will likely wonder "What is happening to me?"

The first thing that I should tell you is that there exist two primary forces that affect and determine shape the nature and characteristics of light. Which is a more common name for electro-magnetic radiation.

I could probably go in many different directions from here .. but suffice to say that, if you begin feeling more strongly the push-n-pull of forces that you might describe and 'electricity' and 'magnetic' ..

.. then I would tell you that this is entirely normal and understandable, considering this new place where we are headed.

Notice how I repeatedly use the term 'probably' in the last few paragraphs. Probability is associated with the quantum world. So I suspect that I may be getting all quantum on your ass here.

» Doing Things that have Never Been Done Before

But I remember thinking, "Do I really want to pair-annihilate with this girl?" Because pair annihilation is not the easiest thing to do. No, ma'am. Far from it. Pretty far. In fact, it has never been done before. You dont want to know what happened to those who tried and failed. Suffice to say that they did not get a second chance. Heck, they did not get a second anything. And if they did get anything, then I can guarantee you that they wished that they werent .. getting whatever it was that they happened to be getting. "Make it stop."

Here I am probably just heightening the sense of anticipation. But you never really know for sure .. when it comes to certain things. My intuitive sense here is that escaping from the srtonger aspects of the pull and the draw of the nucleus .. my intuition suggests that this is actually the hard part. Once you have the freedom that comes with minimal external influences .. well, I'll let you go ahead and finish that sentence yourself, girly. (If you're not too scared to, that is.)

But speaking of doing things that have never been done before .. girly, I want to teach you a little about guys. Not too much .. or guys will get mad at me for sharing too many guy secrets. But you should know that I currently hold the Guinness Book of Records for consecutive girlfriends who married the very next guy that they dated. See .. I do not really 'get' girls .. not in an intuitive sort of way. Probably because I never had a sister. Everything that I know about girls I have had to learn the hard way. But I definitely learned some cool stuff. Stuff that I never wouldve imagined in a million years. But I do know guys. I mean, I are a guy. That is what I do. I do guy-shit. Everyday I guy-shit. So I know guys. And this is what I am going to share with you right now about guys. When guys start doing shit that has never been done before .. this means that they like you. This means that they are trying to impress you. They are vying for you attention and hope to spark something inside of you. This I know for a fact. This is kind of how it works .. I will share secret guy secrets with you .. and you can share secret girl-secrets with me. This sounds like a reasonable agreement, no? I think so. In fact, I think that you are actually getting the better of the deal .. because I have had more years of research in which to distill my most important insights into guyness. Are we in agreement? Marriage is a type of an agreement, you know. This is not a marriage, but there are similarities .. you must admit. Deal? I should probably give you some time to think about it. The last time that something like this happened .. a guy named Tolstoy wrote what many consider to be the greatest novel ever written. In any language. In you really must know. When I start bringing out people like Tolstoy and Joyce .. this means that I am trying to impress you .. because I know I have the goods. I do not know where the goods will take me .. but I know that I have them. I can see that you understand girls and girly-girls and all the things that go along with them.

Bubs n Doe react to thank u, next (1 Dec 2018)

You obviously know why Bubs-n-Doe are reacting this way.

And why Sara Kay and her friends are freaking out here when they saw Kris Jenner working the camcorder.

Sara Kay & friends react to thank u, next (30 Nov 2018)

I couldnt tell you why any of these girls are freaking out like this if my life depended on it. ]

» Blurring the Line Between the Imaginary and Reality

But, in the spirit of honesty .. I might say here that I sometimes feel something in me a craving .. a craving to blur the line between the imaginary and reality.

There is much I could say about such blurring and the craving behind it .. but suffice to say that it can wait 'til later.

What do you think of such cravings?

» Thank U, Next

[ Speaking of the down-low, or a lack thereof .. I see that you just released a new song on Saturday night titled » thank u, next (3 Nov 2018). Lyrics.

You released it right before SNL aired. Nice timing. Timing is everything, you know. Was this idea Scooter's or yours?

You can be such a sneaky little shit sometimes. (I like that about you.)

That thing has been trending at the #1 position for a few days now.

thank u, next trending at the #1 position on YouTube for days now (5 Nov 2018)

Almost since the moment you released it. (This is more like the up-high than the down-low.)

Girly, you should not be hogging the #1 position like this for so long. You should let somebody else take a turn at the top. You are being piggy-wiggy with the #1 position.

Have you seen how people are using this song as a meme?

» Exceedingly Rare

Billboard says that the song was » "streamed on Spotify in America over 3 million times on Sunday, the highest daily total for any song since the late September release of Lil Wayne's Tha Carter IV. It's exceedingly rare for a pop song to notch that many Spotify plays in one day."

Daily Spotify US streams for Sunday 4 Nov 2018

This song had more streams that day than the streams for #2 and #3 combined. You are kicking so much ass. Your poor foot.

Jezebel says that this is the perfect break-up anthem.

The Atlantic says that you have Conquered the Breakup Song. (Great writers work at the Atlantic.)

Heck, even the folks over at Forbes are diggin' it.

Forbes on the message in Ariana's new song titled thank u, next (4 Nov 2018)

I am so proud of you. ]

You could come over after a hard day at the studio .. and I will have a candlelit dinner waiting. Something yummy.

And I will say, "How was your day, girly? Let me get that bucket of ice for you."

» The Hidden Part of the Iceberg Lurking Silently Beneath the Surface

[ And then I will be able to tell you the other half of the story .. the parts that I cannot write publicly.

I will show you the part of the iceberg that lies hidden under the surface of this crazy story.

» The Freedom to Explore the Full Range of Moral Experience

Deep inside, the thing that a writer craves most is simply the freedom to write what he needs to write.

I bet that Neil Young knows exactly what I am talking about here.

Neil Young chatting with Charlie Rose (17 July 2008)

Kacey is also a fan.

» Becoming What You Are

The subtitle of the book that Nietzsche finished just a few weeks before he lost his mind is » How One Becomes What One Is.

This is the same book, by the way, which contains the idea and sentence that represents the basis and source of the entry titled » A Crisis Without Equal on Earth Over the Revaluation of All Values (9 Feb 2018).

It would take me too long to explain, but the idea of "becoming what you are" .. this is very much wrapped up in the idea of a writer being able to write what he needs to write.

Because the writer can't write what he needs to write without first becoming what he is.

I would definitely sound like a nut-case if I tried to explain that.

There is a lot of stuff that I simply can't write. Heck, I can't even write why I can't write it.

I do not know if there is more stuff that I can't write than there is of the stuff that I can write. But I know that there is a lot that I can't write. (Because I dont have the freedom to write it. Not yet, anyway.)

A lot of cool stories. Insightful stuff. Gnarly shit. Nasty shit. All kinds of stuff.

» The Writer's Social Life

The writing life tends to be on the lonely side .. because the writer needs to be in touch with his deepest self.

Peace-n-quiet tend to cultivate such an environment.

But I also very much enjoy spending quality time with interesting people.

So a writer will naturally want his social life to be as engaging and rewarding and meaningful as possible.

In as many ways as possible .. because it tends to be such a scare resource. So I dont want to waste it.

» Deep Writer Ideas Sound Crazy .. Even to Me

This is deep writer shit here. I try not to write this kind of stuff .. because it sounds crazy a lot of the time. Even to me it sounds crazy.

When the voice in my head starts saying things like, "Dude, you should probably not write this crazy-sounding shit," .. then you know that you are entering the domain of the deep writer.

You put this stuff into words at your peril.

This means I trust you .. writing this stuff. This tells me that I trust you. Actions speak louder. I can see the result of that trust.

And really, what kind of relationship can you have without trust? ]

I badly want to know your take .. your input .. your feedback. On my writing. This is a key factor in improving, you know.

I think that honest, insightful feedback allows you to make cool, incremental changes and adjustments.

And who would make a better evaluator than you?

(I can feel myself being smooth with you. When I do shit like this ..this means I like you. Know thyself. Know both thy strengths and thy weaknesses.)

The girl who you remind me of .. she was the single biggest influence in my writing .. because of all the feedback she gave me. (And the encouragement with which she gave it.)

Sometimes she would tell me about things and feelings and impressions that she had as a woman in this relationship with me .. but which she simply couldnt seem to put into words as accurately as she wouldve liked .. for whatever reason.

And days later I might be thinking about some of the things that she had said .. some of the girly things .. deep girly stuff .. and something would come to me .. as if on its own .. and I would put this thing into words.

And I would show it to her and ask what she thought. We were making it up as we went.

It feels good when people who you respect and admire appreciate you in a way that works for you .. when the voice in your head says, "Wow .. this girl really likes what I do. She likes it a lot"

Input from Tolstoy's wife, Sophia, supposedly is the reason why Anna Karenina is considered the greatest novel ever written in any language.

You could pretend to be Sophia, and give me the feminine perspective and womanly insights. I could pretend to be Tolstoy .. the master of my vast estate, which comes with many servants. Role playing at its finest.

I want to know what you like and what you dont like. I want to know what speaks to you and what doesnt speak to you.

I want to know the single best thing that you like .. and anything that you mightve found offensive.

[ I mustve slid my writer's hand down into your warm singer's panties at least 50 times now.

And I loved it every time. It is not easy to restrain this ferocious energy that I obviously have for you. ]

I am sure that there are places and areas where you could help educate and enlighten the male psyche.

I mean, if I am really going to be the greatest writer who ever lived .. then I need to take this thing to the next level.

You know what I am talking about. You probably know this better than anybody.

» When the Universe Hooks You Up

When the universe hooks you up, it always does better than you could have ever done yourself .. it has been my experience. (You?)

This is why I strive to know myself and cultivate authenticity .. because then a like-minded soul who resonates with you will perceive and recognize the patterns and esteem the person behind them highly .. and find herself irresistibly attracted.

She may try to resist .. but it will do her no good. She won't be able to help herself. Can you blame her?

Afterwards she will be thinking, "Why didnt I do this sooner?"

At least that is how it works for me.

» The Dependable One

From a scriptural standpoint .. you never want to depend on anything but the Lord. Not as easy as it sounds.

If you read behind the scriptures, God is basically saying, "I am Mr. Dependable. I am actually the Only Truly Dependable Thing you will ever know. You think that the physical world is the ultimate reality .. because I designed it so beautifully. But it is really just an illusion. A very cool illusion, but still an illusion. You will see what I mean .. sooner or later. Don't say that I didnt try to tell you."

See .. I was depending on that SSI money. I can see that now. This is why losing it freaked me out so badly.

I bet that the public servants in Kentucky know what I am talking about .. because retirement funds that they have been depending on are not there for them.

If you really believe that you will be taken care of by the Universe, then you will not freak out like I did.

I never imagined that they would cut me off .. because I am in no kind of shape to work a regular job.

Plus, who is going to hire me? A cancer survivor who fatigues easily and whose ass can be dragging for days if I push it and get over-tired.

And the radiation scarring of my voice-box means that talking is not for me. I cannot be talking all day .. not even for one day.

And I have no car, no drivers license. I told them that their assessment of me and my capabilities was unrealistic.

And while I was filling out all this bureaucratic paperwork, where they want you to go into your physical condition, then I have to think about this shit .. what it will be like to have no money. This is where the panic attacks came from.

I should have never appealed their decision. That seemed to fuck me up worse than the actually decision .. detailing the effect that the cancer treatment has had on me. Because then you have to actually think about it .. in great detail.

» Trust and Dependability

But you dont want to be trusting in anything more than the Lord (and his promises). This is the general direction that a life of faith takes you. (Hanani knows what I am talking about.)

It's a trip .. one trip after another. You'll see.

It's very difficult. Not far from impossible .. in my opinion. In my experience. I have made a lot of mistakes.

But hey .. at least I was smart enough to learn from them.

» I Knew Better

I moved in together with my son's mom on New Years day. There is actually a wild story behind that day. (A bonding type of story.)

It was definitely a day of new beginnings. It seemed like it was inevitable. That illusion crumbled right before my very eyes in grand fashion.

You need more than a just few weeks of dating before you can know for sure if you can live with someone. At least a year .. eighteen months would be even better.

I knew that I was breaking my own rule by agreeing to move in so quickly.

I am not saying that two people cannot decide to shack up after only a few weeks of dating .. and have the thing work wonderfully. But the odds are against you.

It's usually better when the odds are in your favor.

It didnt take long for me to see that "Oh, this was a bad idea. I shouldve known better. I am smarter than this."

But the fact that the relationship failed so fast speaks to the obviousness that we were simply not compatible. It doesnt necessarily mean that there must be a bad, villain involved.

It just means that you dont resonate intimately in a way that works for both of you .. which is not at all uncommon.

If you can make an intimate relationship work in a way that works for both of you .. then you are ahead of most couples.

But what is worse than having to trust someone who is not trustworthy? Somebody tell me the name of this horror.

In a way, the people in your life separate themselves into two camps » those you can trust .. and those you can't. No?

One category is very big and the other is very small.

[ You and I have been an item now for more than 2½ years. We might be common law married already. In a certain domain. In a certain realm. In a certain universe.

Hypothetically speaking .. do you think that an insecure partner might try to sabotage her writer-lover because she felt that, if he did achieve a degree of success, then all the young super-hotties and the international popstars might start coming on to him?

Is this something that a woman might actually do? Hypothetically speaking, of course. In a generic sort of way.

This is exactly what Hemingway said about Zelda .. that she was actively trying to sabotage his writing and his career.

Our Roaring Twenties will be here in 14 months. We should probably get ready for that. Get prepared. Get in shape.

Do you remember, Ariana, that time when I used Fitzgerald and an image taken from the cover of Gatsby .. to put a move on you?

I was surprised at myself for doing that. That means that I like you when I do stuff like that.

That means you got me all fired up. ]

But alas, it was not meant to be. We were unable to make that relationship resonate in a way that worked for both of us. (Not many people are.)

See the Film school girl had two brothers, one older and one younger. So she knows guys. She knows how to handle and care for a guy. She had no sisters. She is comfortable around guys. It is often refreshing.

If a girl doesnt get guys, or she doesnt get me .. then these kinds of relationships give me trouble. Historically speaking.

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This page contains a single entry by Rad published on November 1, 2018 11:01 PM.

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