Starving Writer SOS - Page Two

This entry continues from here » Page One (1 Nov 2018).

» When Life Starts to Crumble Around You

You learn a lot about people, girly, when their life starts to crumble around them.

Sandcastle at the beach with the tide coming in.

It happens to everybody, you know .. at some time or other. Emile and Sinead know what I am talking about.

Sinead discusses life after Clevver (20 Nov 2018)

And more than just once or twice, too .. over the course of a lifetime.

Right after I called bro, I called cousin Patti. She lives in Connecticut. She is so good at helping me deal with shit like this. I called her every other day during treatment. When my voice gave out, we traded emails.

<ignore this intentional body-text marker>

••• today's entry continues here below •••

» Let the Universe Go to Work for You

She told me that I have plenty of time and not to make any decisions right away. Let the universe go to work for me. She has a cosmic universe thing about her. She is the most helpful person I know. And not just for me either.

She was excited today because she is going to sing solo at the church (Catholic) as a 'cantor' .. for the first time ever. She has been singing her whole life.

She is even getting paid for it. She had been singing at the church before, but never as a soloist.

She was almost Miss Connecticut twice .. coming in 5th and 3rd. Then she said, "Fuck it," and married a doctor who treats her good.

She asked if she could call Nana for me .. and maybe I would stay with Nana for a while. Nana cannot say enough good things about her.

Nana started going to church with Patti on Thursday afternoons, I think. They have been getting tight lately. Good for them.

I have been learning as much as I can about my dad's dad from her. Things I never knew because he died a few years before I was born and because my dad never talked about him. Ever.

You can feel the bad blood oozing off of him. It greatly diminishes my view of my dad. And I know that others have had it much worse. Because I have talked to them.

It's an option, but I dont want to leave my son. I dont want to have to tell him that I am moving to the East coast. If at all possible.

Plus, going back to Connecticut feels like I am returning to the past .. when I really want to sail on into the future (.. with you, of course).

» You Must Admit .. It Makes for a Good Story

You must admit .. this would make for an interesting narrative. Normally, I wouldve never thought of something like this in a million years.

A part of me is surprised that I am actually writing this. Very surprised.

But of course, no one must know. The fewer the better. You know me .. Mr. Keep-Our-Thing-a-Secret.

I can hear a voice saying, "This is going to be hard to keep secret."

» Please Stop Breaking the Internet

Speaking of being difficult to keep secret .. girly, please stop breaking the Internet.

This new song that you have just released » thank u, next (3 Nov 2018) .. this song is breaking records left-n-right. [ Lyrics. ]

I read that this was your first solo #1 hit .. and that there are a number of interesting records that you currently hold. Recording industry records.

I am very proud of you. I dont feel like I should be feeling this proud of you .. but I am.

» A Once-in-a-Generation Talent

When I read what critics have to say about you and your art .. well, I probably shouldnt finish this sentence.

Suffice to say that I can feel my desire for you climb with each new sentence I read. (Just being honest here.)

It always surprises me to learn the things that really do it for me. When I hear people heaping accolades on you .. this makes me want you.

The more lofty the accolades, the more the desire. The more the wanting. The more I crave your artistic throat.

For example, when I read this tweet ..

An example of a once-in-a-lifetime talent at the peak of her powers (4 Dec 2018).

.. I could feel my desire for you growing strong here. What do you think this might mean?

I noticed that he also called you a writer. You are a writer. You write lyrics. Lots of them. You are a lyricist.

I like girls who are able to put things into words.

This guy is the real deal. He is qualified to make such statements .. perhaps even the most qualified.

Girly, I have never been with a Once-in-a-Generation Talent before .. in case you were wondering.

» This is Why it is Going to be Hard to Keep Secret

And then, a few days ago, on 30 Nov 2018, you dropped the video. That's when the Internet started breaking.

Women who are strong and intelligent, yet playful and girly.

Girly, please stop breaking the Internet. It has only been a few days .. and already there has been 100 million views. No wonder the Internet is breaking.

This is why it is going to be difficult to keep this secret. If we get in trouble .. I'm blaming the whole thing on you.

» My Imagination is Starting to Go Apeshit

I would very much like to get to know the real you .. the soul behind the dazzle .. and some of your friends, too (.. like Dove and Selena and Taylor and Camila and Dua and Nicki and the Real Deal (who, rumor has it, has been seen out-n-about with Magic Mike himself). And so many more.

This is actually a lot of fun .. thinking about this kind of stuff. Girly, you have the coolest friends.

My imagination is starting to go apeshit. I mean, you know how I can most easily be myself with a singer.

(Dont think that I havent tried to figure it out. Hopefully you will be able to help me see more clearly why I feel this way. )

» Doing One of My Favorite Things with Some of My Favorite People at One of My Favorite Places

I have always found people to be the most interesting things. People are so different.

Their life-experiences are so different. Their traumas. Their values. Their troubles. Their insights. Their perspectives on different things and the lessons that their lives have taught them. The places where they grew up. The families in which they grew up. Their parents. How their parents treated them. All so very different.

I already knows guys pretty well (.. cause I are one). But women fascinate me. Some women more than others.

I could go on forever with this tangent here .. about one of my favorite things .. which is getting to know beautiful creatures at a cool, deeper level.

And you know how I have a thing for singers. You know this better than anybody.

» Gears are Turning

I am in the process right now of petitioning for disability due the cancer. This is the first time I have really started dealing with this new organization.

I am not old enough yet to collect social security. So a disability check would really help right about now. (Anything is better than nothing.)

I have two appointments this month for this exact thing .. with two different kinds of doctors.

» Moderate-to-Severe Hearing Loss

[ I saw the first doctor this week. She is not really a doctor, but rather a hearing expert. She knows everything about hearing.

She confirmed my hearing loss as "moderate to severe."

I was surprised this summer when they gave me a hearing test .. a long-ass hearing test .. by far the longest hearing test that I have ever had .. I was surprised to learn that I had hearing loss.

I said to the hearing expert, "Ya know, I am kind of surprised that I have severe hearing loss. I thought I was hearing those sounds and those words pretty good. Wasnt I?"

She said, "You hear good at the lower frequencies .. but soon as the frequency starts to climb, your hearing quickly drops off to nothing."

An operating reactor plant is pretty fucking loud. We used to wear the foam plugs with the big cups over them .. double hearing protection.

But you have to take them off to talk on the phone. I was also a diesel operator. That thing rattles your fillings loose.

We didnt run it often, but when he did .. it was located in the space that I usually stood watch in. (Machinery II lower-level, with the feed pumps and the boiler water sample station.

I ran the diesel maybe 15 times. 25 max. It is ferociously loud, and you have to stand right next to it.

You had to use both hands, plus your right foot .. in order to start it. You have to synchronize three separate actions with three separate limbs at the same time.

And it is not difficult to fuck it up. And if you fuck it up, it could cause big problems (.. such as if seawater floods into the exhaust mast).

The diesel (Fairbanks Morse, 6-cylinder, opposed-piston) was so loud and powerful .. that it made you feel like you had a gigantic, ultra-masculine schlong. (It's a guy-thing.)

When one of the guys who was showing me how you line up and prep and pre-lube and start the diesel first did it with me .. he forgot to unclip the kick-drain .. and the whole space filled up with black smoke so fast.

He was kicking it shut but the drain was clipped open with a lock-wire clip . because you wanted any water in the mast to drain out. This drained any seawater that might get in the snorkel mast.

But once the diesel starts and you start making diesel-filled black smoke .. you better shut that sucker in a hurry. You are always going to get a little smoke.

It gets sucked out quickly. Submarines are designed to ventilate well.

He unclipped it in just a few secs, and shut the drain by hand. The drain is situated just below the deck-grating level, so you need to get down on your hands-n-knees.

As people came running down the ladders to see where all the smoke was coming from .. I could hear a voice in my head saying, "There's something you dont want to forget to do when you get qualified."

I felt like a total stud while starting and running the diesel. Sometimes you might go relieve the diesel watch, while it is already running. That was not nearly as cool as starting it up yourself.

At first, during start-up [ for which we used 700# air to get the pistons moving and up to speed ] at first, it sounds like the diesel is starting to come apart at the seams .. rattling the whole space .. including the grating that you are standing on.

But then the cylinders come up to speed and you kill the 700# air and the things just goes into the purr-mode. A loud purring. Humming nicely. That when your schlong starts growing another few inches.

Speaking of gigantic schlongs .. remind me to tell you about the guy who was the Diesel Coordinator.

There were plenty of guys who were qualified diesel operator .. but the guy who did periodic preventative maintenance on it .. this was Al.

We didnt call him 'Big Al' .. but he was. He was a Long Island boy.

I liked standing watch in Machinery II. But it was pretty fucking loud. Because at least one feed pump was running all the time. And the gageboard was right there in front of the feed pump. So this is where we sat .. to watch the gages. (Which hardly ever moved. Which is exactly what you want.)

I know a lot of shit about gages and instrumentation .. how we measure different things. One time, I saw you wearing two ear mics instead of just one like you regularly do. And I couldnt help but wonder why.

I was thinking, "I'm gonna have to ask her about that." I am interested in that kind of thing. Pretty much anything that involves you .. I seem to be interested in. (I am not trying to be interested.)

Anyway .. as I was walking out of her office, I was thinking that you are probably a much better singer than I am able to appreciate with these ears.

But I still have my finely-tuned existential ears. And they seem to be tuned right now to super-hottie singers who sing from their hearts.

This channel is totally bitchin'.

And then I have an appointment with the Moores Cancer center later this month to a special clinic where they are going to look at me for my speech and swallowing functions.

It does not happen often, but 4 or 5 times I have gotten food caught in my throat. Usually harder, crunchy cereal. Like a corn flake on steroids .. manly stuff.

It sucks very, very badly because it partially covers your wind pipe. It causes wheezing. You think that you are close to having your air passage blocked.

It usually takes me 5 or 10 mins to get it cleared. But the whole while, you feel like you are only a step or two from eternity.

I am usually weirded-out and fucked-up for a couple of days afterwards. Like you were so freaked out that it takes a while to dissipate it.

So I definitely want to go to that appointment. My oncologist said that this swallow clinic is new .. within the last year or two.

Every time I go down there, there is a new building built .. with people walking in and out of it.

My oncologist says that he has been there at Moores for 10 years now. He says that it is not even the same place today.

Those super-fast jets are always flying overhead there. Top Gun jets. Always two-by-two. It's hard to talk on there phone there, because those jets are very loud. So they're broadcasting in stereo.

Plus I have radiation scarring of my voice box. After an hour or two, my voice starts to give out. I talked so much today that it is gone. Words are not coming out. It will come back. It always does.

But I was talking a lot today .. to my shrink and to Patti and making appointments, and trying to set up transportation. (I dont / can't drive.)

Crafting a solution to these unexpected circumstances .. where you sort of have to make it up as you go .. well, I probably shouldnt finish this sentence.

This is the end of this page. ■

This theme continues here » Starving Writer SOS - Page Three (1 Nov 2018).

Previous page » Page One (1 Nov 2018).

Analyze this page's HTML profile » here.

Movable Type archives

Radified home

<ignore this intentional bottom text spacer too>

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Rad published on November 1, 2018 11:01 PM.

Starving Writer SOS - Page One was the previous entry in this blog.

Starving Writer SOS - Page Three is the next entry in this blog.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.