Starving Writer SOS - Page Two

••• today's entry continues here below •••

Emile and Sinead know what I am talking about.

And it happens more than just once or twice, too .. over the course of a lifetime.

These challenging times certainly suck very badly, as I am sure Emile will agree.

But you can learn a lot about yourself .. and even grow your confidence .. by handling things with a Zen-like grace. (Even without the antidepressants and the benzos.)

You will have to dig deep and reinvent yourself .. to a degree. So this is an opportunity to get better in touch with your core of cores .. and see what guidance you might find there.

The important thing is that you are continuing to grow and become more of a person .. more of a real human being. More of a conscious sentient being.

This kind of thing here .. where you unexpectedly lose your job .. the reason why this represent such great junctures for growth .. is because they suck so badly.

They force you dig deep. They compel you. They demand it of you.

Anyway .. right after I called bro, I called cousin Patti. She lives in Connecticut.

She is so good at helping me deal with shit like this. I called her every other day during treatment. When my voice gave out, we traded emails.

» Let the Universe Go to Work for You

She told me that I have plenty of time and not to make any decisions right away. Let the universe go to work for me.

She has a cosmic universe thing about her. She is the most helpful person I know. And not just for me either.

My friends just need my room for somebody who can help them more than I can.

People need a lot of help when they get up near ninety .. more help than I am able to provide.

Back before the cancer, and the treatment, I was able to help them more than I can now. So I can certainly see their point.

Patti was excited today because she is going to sing solo at the church (Catholic) as a 'cantor' .. for the first time ever. She has been singing her whole life.

She is even getting paid for it. She had been singing at the church before, but never as a soloist.

She was almost Miss Connecticut twice .. coming in 5th and 3rd. Then she said, "Fuck it," and married a doctor who treats her good.

She asked if she could call Nana for me .. and maybe I would stay with Nana for a while. Nana cannot say enough good things about her.

Patti started going to church with Nana on Thursday afternoons. They have been getting tight lately. Good for them. They are each from different sides of my family.

» Big Catholic Families on Both Sides

My dad may be one of 6 siblings .. but Nana's dad, my mom's dad .. my maternal grandfather .. formerly my most favorite person on the planet ..

.. he was one of 13 siblings. So I had tons of aunts and uncles and cousins and you-name-it .. on my mom's side.

Heck, they had their own section of town .. in a neighboring town, along an area that features a rather steep hillside that runs along the banks of a river. I could not even keep straight all these relatives.

This was where my mom grew up. Everybody liked her.

I would run into people in a store, perhaps, who recognized me and they would introduce themselves to me and proceed to tell me exactly how I was related to them.

And I would say, "How are we related again?" (Because I knew my mom would want to know who I ran into.)

And because I spent more time with my mom, I naturally spent more time with family on my mom's side. My gramps was #3 or #4 or #5 out of 13 siblings.

I have been learning as much as I can about my dad's dad from her. Things I never knew because he died a few years before I was born and because my dad never talked about him. Ever.

You can feel the bad blood oozing off of him. It greatly diminishes my view of my dad. And I know that others have had it much worse. Because I have talked to them.

It's an option, but I dont want to leave my son. I dont want to have to tell him that I am moving to the East coast. If at all possible.

Plus, going back to Connecticut feels like I am returning to the past .. when I really want to sail on into the future (.. with you, of course).

» You Must Admit .. It Makes for a Good Story

You must admit .. this would make for an interesting narrative. Normally, I wouldve never thought of something like this in a million years.

A part of me is surprised that I am actually writing this. Very surprised.

But of course, no one must know. The fewer the better. You know me .. Mr. Keep-Our-Thing-a-Secret.

I can hear a voice saying, "This is going to be hard to keep secret."

» Please Stop Breaking the Internet

Speaking of being difficult to keep secret .. girly, please stop breaking the Internet.

This new song that you have just released » thank u, next (3 Nov 2018) .. this song is breaking records left-n-right. [ Lyrics. ]

I read that this was your first solo #1 hit .. and that there are a number of interesting records that you currently hold. Recording industry records.

I am very proud of you. I dont feel like I should be feeling this proud of you .. but I am.

» A Once-in-a-Generation Talent

When I read what critics have to say about you and your art .. well, I probably shouldnt finish this sentence.

Suffice to say that I can feel my desire for you climb with each new sentence I read. (Just being honest here.)

It always surprises me to learn the things that really do it for me. When I hear people heaping accolades on you .. this makes me want you.

The more lofty the accolades, the more the desire. The more the wanting. The more I crave your artistic throat.

» Shit Like This Makes Me Crave You

For example, when I read this tweet ..

.. I could feel my desire for you growing strong here. What do you think this might mean?

I noticed that he also called you a writer. You are a writer. You write lyrics. Lots of them. You are a lyricist.

I like girls who are able to put things into words. I like them a lot .. probably more than I should.

This guy is the real deal. He is qualified to make such statements .. perhaps even the most qualified .. because of his proximity to you.

Girly, I have never been with a Once-in-a-Generation Talent before .. in case you were wondering.

» Not Since the Year the Beatles Landed

Speaking of once-in-a-generation talents .. who are operating at or near the heights-of-their-powers .. their creative powers .. their most impressive powers ..

.. which seem to work together seamlessly and with an eerie efficiency ..

.. in order to somehow touch multitudes .. many millions of souls .. in a way that they can't help but appreciate ..

.. during a time of social upheaval and cultural revolution and political realignments ...

Girly, are you really marking professional milestones that havent been seen since the year the Beatles landed? ('64)

Do you feel that this milestone makes Savan's tweet of 4 Dec 2018 somewhat prophetic? (I put prophetic writing at the top of my list.)

I mean, those were some tall words that he pointed in your direction. Mighty tall. They certainly got my attention right away.

This is exactly why you got me feelin' some-kind-of-way. One of the reasons. One of the many reasons. (Too many to count.)

I have hurt girls when I get to feeling this kind-of-way.

No, I was not trying to hurt them .. but I was definitely trying to do things to them. Things they would never forget.

Or at least, not be able to forget .. for a few days. A few days of reliving memories of those intimate moments.

Play them over and over again .. whenever the mood might happen to take you. When desire sweeps you off your feet .. despite your best efforts to keep your feet anchored firmly on the ground. Planted in good ol' terra firma.

I probably shouldnt say any more along these lines .. except that these are things I am not trying to feel.

And they feel deep. Very deep. If not actually primal, then heading in that general direction.

What do you think this might mean? It feels like it must mean something.

» I Knew This Would be Hard to Keep Secret

How do you expect to keep our thing a secret? .. when you are doing stuff like this? .. making like the Beatles.

[ Taylor knows what I am talking about. ]

First you break the Internet and then you find yourself being compared to the Beatles in a meaningful way.

The word popularity comes to mind .. which is defined as:

The quality or state of being popular, especially the state of being widely admired, accepted, or sought after.

When I saw that you were hanging out with the Beatles .. in a professional-milestone sort-of-way .. I turned my palms up and said to you, "Havent I been trying to tell you that we make a good team?"

Later I thought, "She can't say that I didnt try to warn her."

I am so proud of you. Especially after all you have been through. I remember thinking, "How does she get out of bed in the morning .. after something like this?"

Good for you. This is year another reason why you inspire me and challenge me .. in a way that makes me respect you.

» I Must Really have a Thing for Powerful Women

I can feel the warm, honey-like desire starting to flow through me .. through my veins, maybe .. like a lazy electrical current .. that is in no big hurry.

It feels strong. It feels good. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel aggressive. I must really have a thing for powerful women.

Why does this have such an effect on me? I am not trying to feel this way. Something in me is craving a part of you.

I have tried to resist this before .. but that only makes it worse.

I know that you are a powerful woman. I know that you are getting more-n-more powerful all the time. Every day you seem to get more powerful.

I saw you tell the Grammys to go fuck themselves. I saw you tell Kanye that he needed to check himself. (I bet that Danielle knows what I am talking about.)

I saw other things. Many other things. But I probably shouldnt go there now.

» A Surge of Desire that Took Me Straight to Craving

When I saw that you had told the Grammys to go fuck themselves .. I thought of a few things.

First I remembered what Marshall said about the Grammys, and what intimate acts he feels that they should perform with and to themselves.

Which I felt was a bold statement. So I naturally linked you, in my mind, to this ballsy act by an artist who has earned my respect.

Then I thought about what Dylan told Ed fucking Sullivan, when they wanted to change the song that Dylan wanted to sing.

At the time, Ed Sullivan was the man .. your ticket to success. And you know how I feel about Dylan.

Do I naturally associate you (in my mind) with Dylan performing this ballsy, unheard of act of artistic defiance. The artist's most prized middle-finger in the face.

I think he said something like, "When I got there, they wanted me to perform a different song .. so I put my guitar back in its case, and quietly left."

See .. when I see the Beatles getting off the plane at JFK in '64 ..

.. and I see you there to greet them .. and I see them chatting politely with you .. and I see Paul McCartney studying you as you chat with John Lennon ..

.. this is the thing that makes you dangerous to me. (I cannot be sure about how others feel.)

There you are in the spotlight, and I do not care for the spotlight .. for a number of reasons. Compelling reasons.

But I can feel myself being drawn to and touched by you .. in ways that words have not yet been created to describe.

So there is this strange push-pull dynamic .. where I am drawn irresistibly to you (.. for a number of compelling reasons) .. but I can feel the danger associated with your popularity.

This dynamic only seems to suggest and encourage a more intimate dialogue and conversation .. away from the bright lights of international superstar popdom.

And the sense of intimacy brings its own sense of danger and risk and vulnerability and soul-fucking torment and tragedy .. which is why not many people proceed very far down that road. The road to soul-baring intimacy.

Not for the faint-of-heart .. that's for sure.

What is the difference between a dangerous thing and a challenging thing?

The challenging thing seems to call out to you and see if your huevos rancherous are big enough to play a game. The dangerous thing raises the stakes .. both the reward-for-success and the punishment-for-failure.

A wise and prudent person will always consider both the potential rewards and the potential punishments.

And the bigger your huevos are .. and the more successful experiences that you have had .. the bigger the challenges that you are willing to entertain and accept. (This seems obvious, no?)

As these challenges are presented to you in your life-experience .. the rewards and punishments progress from challenging to dangerous.

I feel here like I am trying to put into words something elusive and ethereal .. but I am simply trying to describe the dynamics at work behind the way that you make me feel.

I am doing this for my own benefit as much as for you. Probably more for my benefit. Know thyself.

If I write about some things .. I can always return to elaborate or insert developments from future events that either supported or contradicted my intuitions and documented musings.

It has not been lost on me that .. as long as we have been an item .. with our secret thing, our private thing, our erotic thing , our creative thing, our dangerous thing ..

.. it has not been lost on me that you have only grown more-n-more popular .. to this place now that you are sharing slots of professional achievements with the Beatles.

So in my mind I have only seen you grow more desirable and dangerous .. at the same time.

Are strong desires and erotic passions always accompanied by an element of danger?

I would say, more often than not .. yes.

Perhaps you can see how it feels like I am craving a dangerous thing.

This would not be the first time .. or the second.

» Finding Yourself in the Quiet Graces of a Powerful, Influential Woman

As an aside, perhaps you can see and appreciate how the wife of your boss's boss fits the pattern for a powerful, influential woman ..

.. whose kind, quiet, favors could do more for your professional career than many years of diligent toil.

She fits nicely. More than just nicely, actually. She represents a pattern that brings both exquisite subtleties and complexities.

I could go into mind-numbing detail here .. but you feel me.

I dont think that people consciously intend to desire and crave powerful, dangerous things. I think that they just can't help themselves .. like a moth to the flame. (Lilium knows what I am talking about.)

» Blossoming into a Powerful, Confident Woman Right Before My Very Eyes

See .. most singers, most artists, could not do something like this. Such a thing could ruin a promising career. And then the word will get out that you are 'difficult' to work with.

You know what I am saying. You know this better than me. Only an artist who is confident in their own sense of SELF as an accomplished and securely established artist .. is able to do such things.

And when this occurred to me .. that have these balls, these gigantic huevos rancheros .. because you are so confident in your artistic sense of self .. I felt a surge of desire shoot through me .. heading straight for Kravingsville .. on my way to Nirvana.

This is not something that I try to feel. And I will wonder, "Why does this thing trigger and evoke and elicit such desire and cravings in me? These deep, ancient, animalistic cravings .. things I dare not speak aloud."

I could certainly describe for you the factors that go into the reasons why I happen to feel this way, and why I feel such things.

» The Place Where a Seductively Dominant Woman Challenges Me to Play a Friendly Private Game with Her

In great detail, I could describe for you these factors .. particularly when I am feeling them.

Because this is when they become most prominent. When they become most alive. When they become most persuasive.

When they become most convincing. So unbelievably convincing. So heavenly convincing.

Uh, where was I? I seem to have fallen into something that was feeling downright divine.

Oh, yeah .. I was talking about the times when I am actually feeling these psycho-erotic factors .. and their seductively persuasive factors. If such things are not simply irresistible .. then they are not far from it.

» Accepting an Irresistible Challenge from an Irresistibly Dominant Woman

This is one of the reasons why I am drawn to such creatures .. because I somehow desire the challenge represented by an irresistible force.

Because I can be an irresistible force myself .. when I want to be. When I see something that inspires me to be.

And especially when I come in contact with something that inspires me .. to break out the heavy artillery. The big guns. The thunder.

And take her to places that she did not even know existed .. where I will make her feel things that she's never felt. (Heh youself, girly.)

» Keeping Secret the Things that Really-Really Do It for Us

This is why I dont like to reveal to girls the things that really-really do it for me  .. until they have been cleared for entry into the trusted zone .. because it gives them a degree of control over me.

My experience has been that some girls are respectful in honoring such things .. with intentions that are for your benefit.

While others are not. They try to use such things against you. As if you dont already have enough to deal with.

» Who Can Resist Such Things? (Show Me the Man)

And I will think, "Who is not attracted to such creatures? How can a red-blooded man not find attractive such a creature? How can they possibly resist such allure? I have had girls tell me that I was the strongest man they have even met .. and I can feel her irresistible gravity drawing me ever closer .. which only feels better and better. Sometimes it feels so good that I can hardly stand it .. almost like I need to grow as a person in order to be able to handle such vast oceans of pleasure. Even if I could resist such a thing, I wouldnt want to. I mean, why would anybody ever want to?"

So I dont find my automatic response so surprising .. only it strength .. and hang-time .. and the depth of the effect that follows.

What can a man do with such things?

» Girls Who Hold Erotic Keys to Doors Inside of You that You Did Not Even Know were There

In this way, Ariana, you help me learn more about myself .. in a way that is addictively pleasant and even erotic.

You seem to open for me, and to me .. doors and corridors and rooms and private places and intimate realms .. that I did not even know existed.

How can you not love somebody who does things like this for you?

This is why I sometimes feel like a mad scientist somewhere must be playing with the electrical impulses to my brain ..

.. making me feel these things. Mind-blowing things that take me to erotic realms that seem so very real .. yet which leave me with questions such as "How can this be? How can this be real?"

» Viewing Life Lived in the Physical Realm as Existing and Functioning Within a Very Cool Virtual Reality Simulator

I sometimes apply the perspective of my life lived within the limitations of the physical world .. as a sort of virtual reality simulation.

I often appreciate the insights that such perspectives can provide to situations and circumstances and realms in which we might find ourselves. Seemingly impossible realms.

» The Erotic Allure of a Strong, Dominant Woman Who Understands the Art of Seduction

I keep trying to figure it how and why such things operate in me so strongly .. but it only seems to draw me in even deeper .. and turns me on even more.

See .. it is not the dominant demeanor itself that I am attracted to. Their are plenty of dominant women who are more-or-less assholes. I want nothing to do with them.

So it is obvious something else that triggers me. Or something more than the dominant demeanor.

They need competence. They need to be able to do what they do and kick ass doing it .. while looking good doing it, of course.

In my mind, I can't help but think "If they are so skilled and proficient and talented and dedicated in this particular craft .. then perhaps they are similarly talented in other ways."

And you go from there. Maybe they do indeed possess such similarly striking skills in other areas. Or maybe they dont. There is really only one way to know for sure.

» Accept Her Playful Challenge and Agree to All Her Rules .. or Go Home as a Big Pussy

But you can feel the pull of curiosity and intrigue .. wondering, "If they can kick such large quantities of ass in this one area .. then perhaps they are inwardly a true ninja princess warrior of the order of Illuminati."

And if they really are such creatures .. then they are a worthy opponent, and I must accept their erotic challenge. Or I will be called a big pussy in the male world .. for backing down from a challenge from a girl.

I must to formally agree to the rules set forth in the challenge. The rules basically state that she gets all the power, and makes all the decisions for me .. and I just need to take it.

I need to submit. I need to comply. I need to obey instantly without question.

She says, "And if you dare accept my challenge .. and you are not just another big pussy that likes to talk tough .. then this train is leaving right now. This is your last warning. Because the person who exits my train at the other end of this transformative journey .. will not be the same as the person who enters. You'll see what I mean. You have been warned. Prepare. Let us begin. I honor your courage."

» Being Seductively Challenged to a Playful Game of Imaginative Fun

Speaking of women who seductively challenge me to a playful game of erotic imagination where they make all the rules ..

It feels like this girl, this popular ASMR girl here » Valeriya (25 Feb 2019) .. it feels like she is talking directly to me. (I am not trying to think this way, or feel this way.)

It has only been a couple of days and her video already has nearly a half-million views .. so I am not the only one who appreciates her work.

» It Touches Me and Strokes Me and Affects Me in a Personal Way

When it feels like they are intentionally directing their art, their craft, their skill-set .. when it feels like they are directing as least some of their conscious intention directly at me .. I find this is very fucking seductive.

It is like she is saying to me, "I am going to fuck with your mind here .. and I know that you know I am fucking with your mind. And you are going to love every minute of me mind-fucking you. Just watch-n-see. Keep watching. Keep staring deep into my eyes. Feel me fucking with you. Feel me fucking with your mind. Feel the desire that you feel for me. Feel my hand slide down into your jeans. Welcome to the types of games that we like to play here in Russia."

I dont like to think that I am that easy .. but I can feel it working me.

Once they learn that you enjoy playing the game .. and they hear that you have both skill and gamesmanship .. this brings out their competitive side and the players will want to take a crack at you .. to see if you're really everything that Ariana says you are.

They want to see for themselves. They dont want to take anybody's word for it .. not even Ariana's.

» I Can Feel Her Reaching Out and Playfully Touching Me in an Erotically Personal Way

It feels like she reaches her hand down into my jeans and plays with me, asking things like, "Do you feel like you're ready for my challenge. Let me see if you are ready. Keep looking deep into my eyes .. while I continue checking here to see if you are ready for me and my playful game. Oh, I can see that you are definitely getting ready .. in a hurry. You must really like my game. I like men who rise to the occasion and accept my challenge. I like it a lot .. probably more than I should."

She is so cute and adorable and fun and playful .. that she causes you to drop your defenses. Her struggling English only makes her even cuter and more adorable.

I try to do this myself sometimes .. I try to get them to drop their defenses, or at least lower them for me .. so that I can more easily explore the wonders of their fascinating feminine inner-world.

It takes time and effort to build the trust necessary to develop such a relationship.

Not always, but certainly most of the time .. I have learned some of my favorite insights from such trusting relationships.

» A Dominant Woman is an Anomaly in Our Culture

See .. a dominant woman is something of an anomaly .. here is our heavily male-dominant society. (See Brett Kavanaugh for details.)

So if nothing else .. absent any erotic allure .. you still have something out-of-the-ordinary. Some curiosity that gently calls your attention ..

.. the way you might feel when a classic old car motors on by .. something you dont see everyday.

» Trying to Understand How Such a Thing is Possible

At some point, usually after I have exhausted all my powers of analytical observation .. to the point of physical and mental exhaustion ..

.. I just cave in and submit and surrender to this thing .. this unexplainable thing that is too wonderful and powerful for words .. and which must actually be experienced ..

.. and which takes me to places so sublime that it only makes me want it even more.

It is a vicious cycle that seems to be carrying me slowly and inevitably to a place so wonderful and so overwhelmingly powerful that it will exceed my ability to receive it in its entirety.

But that doesnt stop me from trying .. and from continually striving to be able to receive more and more of this intoxicating erotic pleasure.

Particularly when this pleasure is infused with the mind-numbing erotica that seems to seize control of me and make me feel this exquisite sense of pleasure in ways greater than I would ordinarily be able to handle (.. for a number of reasons).

See .. if I have a thing for singers, and I have a thing for powerful women, and I have a thing for women who are able to take me to places that I never even knew existed, place where I am made to feel pleasure .. sometimes beyond what I am able to endure ..

.. how can I resist a such a thing? .. especially when such things comes wrapped in the most inviting packaging?

People toss around the word irresistible with relative ease. I am not talking about that sense of the word.

» Respect + Admiration + Trust = Deeper Access

See .. once a woman has earned my respect and my admiration and my trust .. she automatically has access to many of my deepest parts.

It is not easy to earn these things from me .. so if a woman has these things .. I am already interested .. to learn about her, and how she came to earn these things from me.

» An Impressive Degree of Self-Discipline Restraining a Growing Sense of Erotic Desire

I may not necessarily act on and respond to the sense of desire that is kindled by this sense of respect and these feelings of admiration that I am currently feeling right now for this beautiful creature ..

.. because my training at the (gentle) hands of strong women have developed my sense of restraint to an impressive degree.

But this does not mean that I cannot feel this desire growing stronger deep down inside. Very deep.

Where all the ancient treasures are kept safe-n-secure .. protected by state-of-the-art third-millennium security.

» Accepting Insights While Navigating the Maze Leading Down to Your Truest Treasured Self

Who can survive the maze that leads down to this treasure?

My experience has been that some women are better than others at helping you navigate your maze. 

Some actually make it more difficult for you to find your true self .. while others seem to possess an eerie insight.

Why such a difference?

» You have Obviously Blossomed into a Very Powerful Woman

You cannot tell me that you are not a powerful woman. No matter which perspective you might adopt toward your sense of SELF .. when all is said and done .. you are a powerful woman.

And this is why I so badly want to slide my nice-n-naughty writer's hand down into your silky, warm singer's panties.

I want to do this so slowly .. that it sends a surge of craving straight to your ovaries .. and expands from there. Brace yourself. Prepare.

I want to explore where you are. I want to explore your boundaries and see where we might want to move some back .. or even eliminate them completely.

Boundaries are good .. except perhaps when they act as limits for us.

See, this thing here .. this craving that comes for powerful women expressing their power .. this thing feels like it goes beyond my rational, logical mental faculties.

In other words, I do not really understand it .. but I can feel you stroking this .. because you are a powerful, dangerous woman.

If danger scales proportionally with power, with influence, with connections, with resources, with skills, with street-smarts, with business-savvy, and just oozing with competence with ..

.. if danger scales with such things, and it certainly seems like it does .. then you are a very dangerous woman.

» Flirting with Powerful, Dangerous Women

[ Heh yourself, you dangerous woman. I know how you want it.

Now that you are old enough .. feel my hand. Feel my hand sliding down slowly while it searches intuitively.

"What is it searching for?" you ask.

It is searching for the absolute deepest place to which you will receive me. To which you will welcome me. To which you will embrace me.

Feel my gentle yet persistent advance .. where I am simply following my most natural urges and my most organic impulses.

Urges that rise up out of a place where I crave a soul-unifying connection at the deepest possible level.

And once we arrive at this distant galaxy .. our own secret galaxy .. our own private galaxy .. then I will turn down the engines to a easy idle ..

.. where I can better feel the fullness of your femininity .. which seems to stroke my erotic sensibilities like nothing else.

To the point where I want to do nothing more than fully inhabit the very essence of that femininity .. because it feels so good that I struggle to find the right words. Adequate words.

I am talking her about the place where the act of making love seems to transcend the limitations associated with the physical world ..

.. and which seems to transcend the physical and enter this very cool, and therapeutic place .. where you can feel your batteries being recharged by the second. Each delicious second. 

Where you feel like you are actually inside your lover's soul. Deep inside .. and she has opened for you all the doors for you. "Make yourself right at home," everything about her seems to be saying to you .. hard as that might seem to fathom.

It is focusing on and becoming-one-with the cravings and desires and fetishes of your lover .. that allows you to stroke and massage and stimulate them.

You have to tune into her .. which means that you OPEN UP all you sensory receptors .. and focus single-mindedly on your lover .. so that you absorb as much information about her as possible.

Once I feel like I have this girl's number .. like I am sync'ed into her passions, and resonating with her on a sacred, respectful, bliss-trip toward union in Nirvana ..

.. Once I feel like I am tuned into her and manipulating the cracks in her mind between this very moment and eternity itself ..

.. then I will focus on her desire with singleminded focus .. and use the overwhelming erotic energy that this desire of hers produces in the deepest parts of me ..

.. and I will feed this energy back to her. I will feed her own cravings back to her .. transformed by the addition of my own transcendent desire.

It is usually around this point that I think, "I dont know how I can be feeling this good, and experiencing such transcendent things ..

.. but I know that I like it. It makes me feel good.

Anybodywho can make me feel this good .. I want to know how they are doing it.

Because they obvious have a degree of control over me.

Who can resist this kind of thing? Show me the man. ]

This thing seems to operate over in an area where shit does not necessarily make sense .. yet they speak to you with such powerfully focused clarity .. that you dont even care.

The sense of (unexpected) desire that arises at this point .. feels like something bigger and stronger rising up in me. Something primal. Something surprisingly fearless .. with Zen-like chill.

Not something that you can control .. but something that you can point in the general direction that you want it to go .. and it will take care of business in a signature sort-of-way.

Because we aim to please. We aim to satisfy.

» What a Professional Trajectory You Have

But dont settle for this. Dont let this be a high-water mark .. like Savan suggested, or implied.

Only you, and the ever-growing artist who lives within you, knows when you are satisfied by your work .. with your art.

Certainly take some time to light a candle and savor the place to which your professional career has arrived .. finding yourself an impressive milestone .. which only you and the Fab Four themselves can truly appreciate.

Surely you should suck out all of the juice that comes with this remarkable professional milestone. You should definitely suck out every last drop of this sweet, aged nectar.

[ Let me know if you need any help with that .. finishing off that aged apple juice from the Beatles. How does it taste?

I dont think that I am really able to imagine what it must taste like .. and I have tasted some indescribably delicious flavors. ]

But I dont want you to feel like you have arrived. After you are done sucking out every last drop of juice from the Beatles' aged apple .. then it will be time to pick up and move on ..

.. and to explore evermore challenging artistic endeavors .. projects which challenge your artistic soul .. to grow to even higher heights of professional growth ..

.. even as your inner quiet place remains settled and calm and content .. with a sense of satisfaction that permeates even the furthest reaches of your soul.

You want to continue becoming more-n-more who you are .. and never somebody else .. no matter how cool or iconic that somebody else might be. You know what I saying.

How do you feel about the idea, about the notion, that it is personal development that leads to artistic development?

Did I am say that I am proud of you. These are big thing that you are dealing with .. at a pretty young age.

I dont know that I could deal with such things. There is a part of me that feels sure that I could not .. certainly not as sublimely as you have.

» This is Why it is Going to be Hard to Keep Secret

And then, a few days ago, on 30 Nov 2018, you dropped the video. That's when the Internet started breaking.

Girly, please stop breaking the Internet. It has only been a few days .. and already there has been 100 million views. No wonder the Internet is breaking.

This is why it is going to be difficult to keep this secret. If we get in trouble .. I'm blaming the whole thing on you.

» My Imagination is Starting to Go Apeshit

I would very much like to get to know the real you .. the soul behind the dazzle .. and some of your friends, too (.. like Dove and Selena and Taylor and Camila and Dua and Nicki and the Real Deal (who, rumor has it, has been seen out-n-about with Magic Mike himself). And so many more.

This is actually a lot of fun .. thinking about this kind of stuff. Girly, you have the coolest friends.

My imagination is starting to go apeshit. I mean, you know how I can most easily be myself with a singer.

(Dont think that I havent tried to figure it out. Hopefully you will be able to help me see more clearly why I feel this way. )

» Doing One of My Favorite Things with Some of My Favorite People at One of My Favorite Places

I have always found people to be the most interesting things. People are so different.

Their life-experiences are so different. Their traumas. Their values. Their troubles. Their insights. Their perspectives on different things and the lessons that their lives have taught them. The places where they grew up. The families in which they grew up. Their parents. How their parents treated them. All so very different.

I already knows guys pretty well (.. cause I are one). But women fascinate me. Some women more than others.

I could go on forever with this tangent here .. about one of my favorite things .. which is getting to know beautiful creatures at a cool, deeper level.

And you know how I have a thing for singers. You know this better than anybody.

» Gears are Turning

I am in the process right now of petitioning for disability due the cancer. This is the first time I have really started dealing with this new organization.

I am not old enough yet to collect social security. So a disability check would really help right about now. (Anything is better than nothing.)

I have two appointments this month for this exact thing .. with two different kinds of doctors.

» Moderate-to-Severe Hearing Loss

[ I saw the first doctor this week. She is not really a doctor, but rather a hearing expert. She knows everything about hearing.

She confirmed my hearing loss as "moderate to severe."

I was surprised this summer when they gave me a hearing test .. a long-ass hearing test .. by far the longest hearing test that I have ever had .. I was surprised to learn that I had hearing loss.

I said to the hearing expert, "Ya know, I am kind of surprised that I have severe hearing loss. I thought I was hearing those sounds and those words pretty good. Wasnt I?"

She said, "You hear good at the lower frequencies .. but soon as the frequency starts to climb, your hearing quickly drops off to nothing."

An operating reactor plant is pretty fucking loud. We used to wear the foam plugs with the big cups over them .. double hearing protection.

But you have to take them off to talk on the phone. I was also a diesel operator. That thing rattles your fillings loose.

We didnt run it often, but when he did .. it was located in the space that I usually stood watch in. (Machinery II lower-level, with the feed pumps and the boiler water sample station.

I ran the diesel maybe 15 times. 25 max. It is ferociously loud, and you have to stand right next to it.

You had to use both hands, plus your right foot .. in order to start it. You have to synchronize three separate actions with three separate limbs at the same time.

And it is not difficult to fuck it up. And if you fuck it up, it could cause big problems (.. such as if seawater floods into the exhaust mast).

The diesel (Fairbanks Morse, 6-cylinder, opposed-piston) was so loud and powerful .. that it made you feel like you had a gigantic, ultra-masculine schlong. (It's a guy-thing.)

When one of the guys who was showing me how you line up and prep and pre-lube and start the diesel first did it with me .. he forgot to unclip the kick-drain .. and the whole space filled up with black smoke so fast.

He was kicking it shut but the drain was clipped open with a lock-wire clip . because you wanted any water in the mast to drain out. This drained any seawater that might get in the snorkel mast.

But once the diesel starts and you start making diesel-filled black smoke .. you better shut that sucker in a hurry. You are always going to get a little smoke.

It gets sucked out quickly. Submarines are designed to ventilate well.

He unclipped it in just a few secs, and shut the drain by hand. The drain is situated just below the deck-grating level, so you need to get down on your hands-n-knees.

As people came running down the ladders to see where all the smoke was coming from .. I could hear a voice in my head saying, "There's something you dont want to forget to do when you get qualified."

I felt like a total stud while starting and running the diesel. Sometimes you might go relieve the diesel watch, while it is already running. That was not nearly as cool as starting it up yourself.

At first, during start-up [ for which we used 700# air to get the pistons moving and up to speed ] at first, it sounds like the diesel is starting to come apart at the seams .. rattling the whole space .. including the grating that you are standing on.

But then the cylinders come up to speed and you kill the 700# air and the things just goes into the purr-mode. A loud purring. Humming nicely. That when your schlong starts growing another few inches.

Speaking of gigantic schlongs .. remind me to tell you about the guy who was the Diesel Coordinator.

There were plenty of guys who were qualified diesel operator .. but the guy who did periodic preventative maintenance on it .. this was Al.

We didnt call him 'Big Al' .. but he was. He was a Long Island boy.

I liked standing watch in Machinery II. But it was pretty fucking loud. Because at least one feed pump was running all the time. And the gaugeboard was right there in front of the feed pump. So this is where we sat .. to watch the gauges. (Which hardly ever moved. Which is exactly what you want.)

I know a lot of shit about gauges and instrumentation .. how we measure different things. One time, I saw you wearing two ear mics instead of just one like you regularly do. And I couldnt help but wonder why.

I was thinking, "I'm gonna have to ask her about that." I am interested in that kind of thing. Pretty much anything that involves you .. I seem to be interested in. (I am not trying to be interested.)

Anyway .. as I was walking out of her office, I was thinking that you are probably a much better singer than I am able to appreciate with these ears.

But I still have my finely-tuned existential ears. And they seem to be tuned right now to super-hottie singers who sing from their hearts.

This channel is totally bitchin'.

And then I have an appointment with the Moores Cancer center later this month to a special clinic where they are going to look at me for my speech and swallowing functions.

It does not happen often, but 4 or 5 times I have gotten food caught in my throat. Usually harder, crunchy cereal. Like a corn flake on steroids .. manly stuff.

It sucks very, very badly because it partially covers your wind pipe. It causes wheezing. You think that you are close to having your air passage blocked.

It usually takes me 5 or 10 mins to get it cleared. But the whole while, you feel like you are only a step or two from eternity.

I am usually weirded-out and fucked-up for a couple of days afterwards. Like you were so freaked out that it takes a while to dissipate it.

So I definitely want to go to that appointment. My oncologist said that this swallow clinic is new .. within the last year or two.

Every time I go down there, there is a new building built .. with people walking in and out of it.

My oncologist says that he has been there at Moores for 10 years now. He says that it is not even the same place today.

Those super-fast jets are always flying overhead there. Top Gun jets. Always two-by-two. It's hard to talk on there phone there, because those jets are very loud. So they're broadcasting in stereo.

Plus I have radiation scarring of my voice box. After an hour or two, my voice starts to give out. I talked so much today that it is gone. Words are not coming out. It will come back. It always does.

But I was talking a lot today .. to my shrink and to Patti and making appointments, and trying to set up transportation. (I dont / can't drive.)

Crafting a solution to these unexpected circumstances .. where you sort of have to make it up as you go .. well, I probably shouldnt finish this sentence.

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