I have Never Been Here Before

When I first heard that you were coming out next with a video for breathin' (released Wed, 7 Nov 2018) I wondered what kind of concept you would come up with.

"What's she gonna bring?" I wondered. "What can she bring with a song like this?" [ The scope seemed rather narrow .. the possibilities limited. Silly me. ]

Some days had passed and I forgot all about the video .. until I saw the thumbnail for it .. right there in front of me.

» The Most Excited Sense of Anticipation I have Ever Felt

This is definitely the most excited I have felt. By far .. and I am always excited to see your new stuff. But this was special.

The sense of anticipation with this particular video .. and the surrounding curiosity and the hint of a promise of worlds that I didnt even know existed .. was too much for me.

As if on its own, my hand shot out and hovered directly over the trackpad .. less than an inch away.

I was starting to click when I better saw the details of the image of you on the thumbnail.

Ariana breathin video thumbnail (7 Nov 2018)

That's when I froze. (I am cautious with girls like you.)

Even without clicking the link, the voice in my head said, "Oh, I see where she is going with this."

I see how you are, girly. I see how you work. You are clever. This I will freely admit.

You never cease to impress me and to challenge me. You sometimes do things to me that I cannot even put into words. (But that doesnt stop me from trying.)

So I didnt click on it. My sense of restraint has been impressing girls for years.

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» I Need to Do this Other Thing First

I needed to do something else first. I can't tell you how, but I knew that I needed to do this other thing first .. before I was free to click that link.

My spidey senses were telling me in no uncertain terms that I needed to be ready when I clicked the link.

» Harmonizing Naturally with Beautiful Creatures

Because this breathin' thing is kind of like our own special thing .. that we seemed to experience at the same time .. even though we didnt know the timing behind it.

As tho we were harmonizing without even trying .. naturally and organically .. just the way I like it. (« I am smiling here at the poetry of this last sentence.)

So the whole subject behind this song is cast with this coincidental glow that seems to be calling attention to itself. Like you couldnt look away even if you tried.

Something in me is obviously eager to see what you have in store. The instant laser focus that comes when curiosity mixes with a heightened sense of anticipation.

» I have Wondered Myself About that Very Same Thing

But first I needed to go over to my entry titled »The Value-Structure Operating Behind the Morality of Today's White Evangelical (24 Oct 2018). [ which is an off-shoot an entry titled » Hypocrisy in America (2 Oct 2018) ].

Specifically I needed to add a remarkable commentary by Coffee Joe following the midterms .. a section which I titled » How Do You Square that in Your Mind?.

Because I have wondered about that very thing myself .. for some time now.

» A Cool, Unexpected Sense of Completion

And when I did that .. when I had finished that .. which didnt take very long .. I had this cool sense of completion.

Not unlike what you might feel when you drop in that last piece of your 1,000-piece puzzle .. to complete the image.

Republicans lose every congressional district seat in Orange County (16 Nov 2018)

See .. you know how the writer always has one eye out for his ending. For a cool ending. For the perfect ending.

And with you, the ending never comes. There was one time that I was officially done and had quit writing about you. That lasted maybe 5 minutes. If that.

A writer has got to write what a writer has got to write .. no?

Anyway .. soon as I finished in.serting [ « there is a Perl/MySQL bug that does not let me write that word without the period. It's probably a security thing. There are a few other words that generate a server error for me. All of these error-generating words are database commands. ] ..

.. soon as I finished in.serting that section, and very much feeling a cool and totally unexpected sense of completion .. I clicked on the link.

I was prepared as much as I could be. But there are some things (not somethings) that you simply cannot prepare for.

You just have to jump in with both feet .. trying your best to land inbounds .. take your lumps if you have to .. and figure shit out as you go. ( Know what I mean, Jellybean? )

This is not my preferred method. My preferred method is normally organic and natural and letting the universe go to work for me. This requires considerable patience. More patience than I have been able to muster at times.

This is why you want to continue training during the off-season, and continue upgrading your skillset .. so that you'll be ready for Showtime when it arrives at the Next Level.

It is not easy.

» Here It Is .. Am I Ready to Deal With this Thing?

But sometimes I think "I'm gonna need to do this thing right now. Right the fuck now. I am going to need to execute certain aspects of my skill-set. I dont know how I know, but I know that I need to do this right now."

Right here is where you separate the men from the boys. The pro's from the amateurs. Can you execute a sophisticated and well-oiled skill-set .. when these things present themselves to us as a gift?

Can you execute when you really need to execute? This is the question.

And the answer to this question can be found in another question » "Have I prepared myself and developed my skill-set?"

» What Does It Feel Like to Grip the Controls of the International Popstar Machinery?

After a few albums and multiple world tours .. I would imagine that you have started to figure out a thing or two.

Certainly the big, main, important parts of the machinery. The international popstar machinery.

What does it feel like .. to place your hand on and grip the controls .. of the international popstar machinery?

Does it feel powerful? I mean, how can it not?

Does it feel intoxicatingly powerful? (How can it not?)

Does a feeling of unlimited creativity accompany this sense of control?

Does this sense of creative control, at times, evoke a sexual aspect?

An erotic aspect? (How can it not?)

» I have Never Been Here Before

When I got done watching it .. I was sitting there .. staring off into space someplace far away .. and I was seeing how I felt, existentially speaking.

I thought of many things .. but the first thing was » "Wow .. I have never been here before."

This is the place where you learn a lot about yourself.

See .. when you get to a new place, you usually have to learn a new set of rules .. that govern this new place.

And the better you are able to learn and understand the rules and culture of this new place .. the more cool things you can accomplish there.

After I got done thinking about the implications of such a thing (.. which would surely sound crazy to most people) ..

» The Implications Behind Finding Yourself in a Place that You Didnt Even Know Existed

.. Ooh, I feel a thing here, urging me to go down this implications path .. even tho it would sound crazy.

I normally dont like to write the crazy-sounding stuff .. but sometimes, you just can't help it.

It is not easy to say crazy-sounding stuff in a way that makes sense to you. You sort of have to keep jumping back-n-forth across the line between genius and insanity.

And, truth be told, after four or five hops back-n-forth, back-n-forth .. it can be easy to forget exactly which side you are standing on.

Anyway .. after I got done thinking about all this crazy-sounding stuff regarding the implications ..


.. of finding myself in a place where I have never been before .. which I am not going to tell you right now ..

» Growth is Normally a Good Sign

.. except to mention this talk given by the filmmaker David Lynch.

Filmmaker David Lynch speaks in Boston about consciousness (video posted Aug 2009)

Discovering places and realms that you have never experienced before .. that you did not even know existed .. this suggests growth. A continual evolving.

Growth is normally a good sign.

This section here where David Lynch speaks passionately to the subject of » consciousness, and in particular, to a growing consciousness.

I could easily get lost in such a subject .. as growing your consciousness. So I naturally proceed with caution.

He starts by using a golfball-sized consciousness. A golfball is round. He is talking about the limitations of your world. Of your experience of life itself.

I can already feel this thing sucking me in. This feels like I have things here that need to be said .. even though I dont yet know what those things are.

When we enter into unknown worlds .. they become known worlds. I can feel myself waxing abstract here. So I should probably quit.

But this ties right in with Kierkegaard's idea that we want to base our sense-of-self on internal things rather than external things.

That's a huge subject. I can feel the pull of its gravity tugging on me .. daring me.

Sometimes you get sucked into things .. big things .. that you might not feel ready to tackle. 'Ready-or-not .. here we go." Hold on.

Then you get done with this thing and think, "Ooh, can I do that again?"

But as I am sure you already know, there are some thing at which you only get one crack at in life. And if you whiff .. you whiffed at your once-in-a-lifetime opportinity.

What is better? .. to whiff at your one-and-only opportunity at transcendence .. or to never even try?

Kierkegaard is also the guy who titled one of his books » "Fear and Trembling," which he got from Phillipians.

This speaks to me .. except I dont know if I'm ready to delve into that thing yet.

Suffice to say that dealing with the types of things that Kierkegaard is dealing with here .. and in other places, in other of his books .. these things speaks to me .. as someone who considers himself having traversed further down the road of life than most.

I almost feel like Kierkegaard mustve found a shortcut. Or maybe it is simply the result of sheer determination and dedication.

Whatever psycho-social factors may've influenced his life-path .. I am very impressed. Especially because he died at age 42. Forever young.

» Why Might Working-Out-Your-Salvation Evoke a Sense-of-Fear?

I can feel my sense of respect. And it has to do with some of the aspects of working out your particular salvation. Not your kid's salvation .. or my salvation, or anybody else's salvation.

God is known for telling people to do the impossible .. the seemingly impossible thing.

This is the people are grumbling and griping. Because God is telling them to do one seemingly impossible thing after another.

And they were a bunch of pussies. But this doesnt mean that I can't sympathize with them.

» I Told You Not to Underestimate Her .. Didnt I?

 After I got done pondering these implications .. and how to best approach my response .. I got up to go the bathroom.

On the way to the bathroom, it seemed like a voice in my head was saying, "Dude, this girl is for real. And she's playing for keeps. I told you not to underestimate her .. didnt I?"

On the way out of the bathroom I said to the writer in me, "Are we really doing this? I can see where this is going."

These are the first words spoken in this new place .. where I have never been before. Do you think it means anything?

"Now the fun really starts."

Ariana staring deep into my soul | breathin (7 Nov 2018)

Nicely done, lover. Major score. "Touché." I have never been here before. (But I already know that I like it.)

This is definitely the most difficult image that I have worked with. It feels like you are staring deep into my soul.

It makes me feel both calm and exhilarated at the same time. Would you call this a paradox?

I call this look here that you are throwing, this remarkable look, I call this the "Do I look like I'm fucking around?" - look.

» Playing for Keeps

It is like you are saying, "Do I look like I'm playing?"

While working with this image, I heard a voice back there call out and say, "She does not look scared to me." (Sometimes I have to agree with these crazy voices.)

» Now I Know How the Dog Felt

[ My shrink asked if I was hearing voices that were telling me to do things .. or something along these lines.

I thought about it for a sec or two .. before I just started laughing. (Now I know how the Dog felt.)

His question tickled my absurdist funny bone .. with a delayed effect. It is not everyday that people ask you if you are hearing voices.

Almost apologetically, he said, "I gotta ask." (It's part of his job. He has to fill out forms.)

I smiled and shook my head and said, "No." (I bet that Tori Amos knows what I am talking about.)

I wonder what Camila Mendes thinks about that. (Say hi to Lili for me.)

Camila Mendes admits that the voices in her head never really go away.

They ask if you are thinking of hurting yourself and stuff like that. I bet that Pete knows what I am talking about.

Pete Davidson suicidal instagram (15 Dec 2018)

Though I doubt that he will find the question very funny.

If my shrink knew what I had to go through to stay alive .. he would understand that he has nothing to worry about me offing myself. ]

You are so amazingly good-looking, and so freakishly talented ..

People reacting to Ariana's whistle notes in Imagine

.. and so cool .. and so much fun to play with .. that I can hardly stand it sometimes.

It took me a few weeks to finally grab this image. I think that I was psyching myself out. So I said, "Fuck it," and just went and grabbed it.

But then, once I started working with it, I thought, "I was not psyching myself out .. this image is very difficult to work with."

I was trying to hurry .. but it seemed like I was stuck there in eternity with you. Exquisite stuff, for sure.

» Training My Whole Life for This

Have I been underestimating you? It certainly feels that way.

Am I going to have to up my game? Yet again? Wait 'til Prince Harry hears about this.

I would be lyin' if I said that I didnt feel like I have been training my whole life for this.

Why do I feel like you are the soul that I've been searching for my whole life?

[ "Heh yourself, girly." I know how you like it. ]

Dracula knows what I am talking about. Sophie Michelle knows what I am talking about.

» These Images are Going to be Difficult to Work With

While I was enjoying the visuals in the video .. I couldnt help but think, "These images are going to be difficult to work with .. maybe the most difficult ever."

Cody-n-Wyatt know what I am talking about.

Cody-n-Wyatt breathin video reaction (7 Nov 2018)

How do you prepare to work with images like this? Number 52 knows what I am talking about.

Craigtivity #52 breathin video reaction (7 Nov 2018)

Even dealing with these images of people reacting to these images .. even this is difficult. 

They are all saying, "Ooh la la, Ariana .. that is some look there."

Do you want to know what I think when I see these images? I bet you do.

Suffice to say that you have exceeded all my expectations .. but by such a large margin. ( "How does she keep doing that?" I catch myself wondering. )

I feel like I should probably go do about 10 or 15 push-ups right now .. to start getting in shape to work with these images.

The first image that I remember having trouble with was this one of Lauren. It feels like things are happening. Dare I elaborate?

» Before You Know What Hit You

When the editor inserts these intimate close-ups of you .. they are right there in your face before you know what hit you.

The effect .. from a guy's point-of-view .. is like a girl coming up and kicking you squarely in the balls. By this I mean that, before you know what hit you, she instantly gets your full-n-undivided attention .. in an overwhelming sort-of-way.

Getting kicked in the balls might not be the best analogy .. but you feel me.

This kind of thing .. this unexpected type of thing where you suddenly insert these emotionally honest looks .. this tends to be disorienting .. on the receiving end.

You are suddenly somplace very different than you were mere moments ago.

But this is how it is in real life. You can be out-n-about doing this-n-that and a girl can walk by and toss you a look that can have the most disorienting effect on you.

» Much Respect

I can feel my sense of respect for you growing .. which I did not think possible. A genuine sense of respect.

Some guys have trouble respecting women. And yes, there are women who dont deserve respect. (Guys, too.)

See .. one of the 'issues' that I have [ know thyself ] is that, if I dont respect someone .. it often shows. It comes through. It bleeds through.

This is one of the reasons why I worked so well with this boss .. because I respected him.

» Page End Clipped

Uh, I seemed to have lost the end of this page. It doesnt happen often, and I can usually retrieve a back-up if I am aware of the problem.

This is the reason why I include the bottom text-spacer at the very end of every page .. the one that I say to ignore. Because this way I know there has been a transmission problem.

It is my own little system to verify and validate that the entire page is intact.

This is sort of the idea behind China using pairs of quantumly-entangled photons .. to verify and validate the transmission. (Heh yourself, girly.)

It was raining hard the other night, and we were having all kinds of connectivity problems. That is probably when I lost it.

I am usually very good at verifying page integrity .. through a number of methods and techniques. (For example, the size of the scroll bar shrinks as the page size grows .. so if you get back a bigger scroll bar than you sent .. you have a problem.)

This is the first time in years that I got clipped. The last time was with the page for Julie Allen.

» When Hemingway Lost All His Writing

Remind me to tell you the story about how Hemingway lost all of his writing. It feels like you are losing a part of your life.

But I think that this was a key factor in propelling forward Hemingway's craft and style.

I bet that Dan Gilroy knows exactly what I am talking about. (Oh, this sounds intriguing. Wait til Taylor hears about this.)

The larger a page grows, the greater the chance for a transmission error .. which is one of the reasons why I try to limit the size of any individual page.

Details matter. Little things combine to say big things.

» It is Coming Back to Me

Anyway .. I remember that I had previously concluded this page by saying that you had "gotten me all fired up" .. and that Leigh-Anne knows what I am talking about.

To be continued.

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This page contains a single entry by Rad published on November 11, 2018 11:11 PM.

Starving Writer SOS - Page Five was the previous entry in this blog.

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