Didnt I Tell You that This Next Level Would be Hard to Keep Secret?

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» Must Drop the Initial HTML Set-Up for this Page by Midnight Tonight

For some reason that I am not entirely sure about .. I feel compelled to post this particular page on this very day .. with this title.

[ Right now the time is 11:44 PM, and this page is live. That is cutting it a little close.]

Such mandatory things frequently (not always) seem to come when you are least prepared .. and you simply have to suck it up and throw it down.

» The Sneaky Way that Life seems to Bring Its Bigger Challenges When You Feel Least Prepared to Respond

I have noticed that what I call 'nadir writing,' where you are giving external voice to internal voice .. when you really dont feel like it, physically speaking ..

This type of writing forces you to dig deeper .. to someplace beyond you own human abilities and talents and skills and strengths. Or, at least this is the way it feels.

I guess my point here is to say that, although the timing of such things might seem to suck .. if you can find a way to suck-it-up and throw-it-down .. you can get some really cool stuff .. that you can get no other way.

Plus it feeds your sense of artistic self-confidence when you are able to strike while the iron is hot, so to speak, and capture lightning in a bottle.

When you can execute a complex skill-set on demand in short order .. and even when you might not feel like it .. but you are able to do it anyway .. this is a powerful thing.

This is a powerful person. This is someone who can kick ass and take names. This a powerful person kicking ass and taking names and making it look easy .. even though it is far from easy. Very far. (Katy Perry and Cardi B know what I am taking about.)

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••• today's entry continues here below •••

Such a person might find herself in a situation or a predicament at the moment of truth that is less-than-optimal .. sometimes even much-less-than optimal.

There are some good stories about Dostoevsky that would fit in beautifully right here .. along these lines. Perhaps some other time.

» Biopsy Earlier Today (External Neck)

[ Speaking of situations that are less-than-optimal .. I was down at Moores earlier today for a biopsy on my right neck .. which has been bleeding pretty good. This seems to happen every time I get a chunks-of-flesh biopsy. The loss of blood can make you feel weak. One of my doctors called me a 'bleeder.' It always stops, but I have notice that the bleeding continues longer ever since treatment ended. This chunks-of-flesh biopsy in on the outside skin. If I knew it was going to bleed this much, I wouldve worn a black shit. When I bent down to pick something up off the floor .. that is when it started bleeding .. after I got home. I saw the bright-red drop of blood land on the floor below me. It has also been hurting more than I expected .. ever since the numbing effect of the shot wore off. I took some Tylenol a littlw while ago. I have also been hitting the Ativan the last few days due to stress. "Situational stress," as they call it .. which is stress that arises out of your particular situation.

» Informational Biopsy About the Effects of Radiation on Cells

But this biopsy is not looking for cancer. It is merely informational (RNA, DNA, cell structure, etc. to determined better the effects of radiation on cells). They took the bipsy right where I received some of the highest doses of radiation. The radiation affects your skin. I no longer need to shave my neck .. because no hair grows there any longer. I had a permanent leatherly tan on my next for a few years after the radiation treatment ended. The Clinical Trials girl told me that Immunotherapy is the future of Oncology .. for this very reason .. because radiation damges your good, healthy cells right along with the bad cancer cells. Except, the radiation damages (kills) the bad (cancer) cells more than it does the good cells .. because cancer cells grow faster than your good cells. And radiation has the greatest effect on rapidly reproducing cells. Different cells reproduce at different rates. The ceels of a human fetus, for example, reproduce at a superfast rate. This was a new Head-n-Neck Radiation Oncologist that I had never met before. But he is just like my other Radiation Oncologist. All these Oncologist are sharp cookies. This guy was from the Carolinas. I am nosey about personal stuff like that .. and none of them have any problem telling you where they grew up or where they went to medical school. I like chatting with smart people who know what they are doing. My regular Radiation Oncologist .. he fucks with you. "He's a jokester," this oncologist said today. "He is a jokester," I confirmed. I also had a new Clinical Trials girl today. All of these Clinical Trials girls impress me. They are smart and nice, and they all have their shit together. They know what they are doing. They are infinitely helpful, and have outstanding social skills. They know how to talk to a cancer patient .. which is not the easiest thing, especially not when you are in the thick of it. They crammed a buck of people in that little room .. with the reclining chair in the middle, where I sat. First one person comes, and then another and another .. swirling around you. Very professional. Everybody has their shit together. The feeling of competence is comforting. Plus, I have had a number of biopsies before. So now I know what to expect. I am a successful veteran of the game. My heart started pounding and I got lightheaded after he shot me up with the numbing stuff. It burned a little, too .. and started to wear off maybe 90 minutes later. He set one dissolvable stitch .. under a regular-looking band-aid .. which is soaked with blood and had some oozing out underneath. It seems to bleed more when I lie down .. so I am sitting up for now. I dont want to wake with a bloody pillow. I wrapped a piece of paper-towel around my collar near the cut .. to try and soak up up some of the blood and keep it off my shirt. Once the bright red color turns brown, then I will know that the bleeding has stopped. One time, my Chemo doctor said, "Dont freak out if you start bleeding a little." I think that this white t-shirt I am wearing is trash. It was stupid to wear a white t-shirt today. "What was I thinking?" I asked myself. ]

I am not even sure what I will be writing here .. I mean, there are not many places that you can't go with a title like this.

Especially when this is preceded by titles such as:

I freely acknowledge here my desire to impress, and how this desire plays a part in how I am pushing myself to further develop and expand my skill-set ..

.. in order to become the greatest writer who ever lived. Which does have a nice ring to it, you must admit.

If a starving writer wants to get the attention of a truly beautiful creature such as youself .. he better write like fucking Shakespeare.

» I am Trying to Impress this Girl So Much that I am Impressing Myself

The writer wants to touch the object of his appreciation in ways that she has never before experienced.

And he wants to stimulate and provoke things in her that she did not even know were there. He drops hints in her path about the nature of realms of pleasure and ecstasy that are coming up ahead very shortly ..

.. while trying his best to prepare her for a sight that she surely has never seen before .. of things that she does not even know exist.

Sometimes I will go back and read something written a while ago and think, "I am trying to impress this girl so much that I am impressing myself."

I have a few insights into the names of towns that this particular locomotive (the Four-Two-Two) should pass through.

All of these towns look to be very cool. You'll see what I mean.

If we get in trouble, girly .. I'm blaming the whole thing on you.

» Voice Sounded More Intimate and Vulnerable when Addressing Your Fans

One of the first things that struck me .. came when you addressed your fans. Your voice seemed more intimate, and relaxed, and more open, with no perceptible defenses.

It struck me that you seemed to have dropped your defenses .. as though you were letting your fans in closer ..

Everyone sees what you appear to be; few really know what you are .. says Nico Machiavelli (1469-1527) in The Prince (1532)

.. to the soul behind the dazzle.

This is what happens when you become more comfortable with yourself and with who you are, and what you have been through, and what you have accomplished.

There seemed to be less of a barrier between you and your fans. Not that there seemed to be any barrier before .. but your voice seemed to be speaking from a place in speaking to your audience .. where you felt no need to erect artificial barriers (.. after all the trauma you have been through).

Perhaps this is why is seemed that more of the real you seemed to emerge and come through in your performances.

» Spring Brings Rebirth and Renewal and Another Chance at a Fresh Start

Spring is in the air. It was a spectacularly gorgeous day today.

The first thing that I think I will be mentioning .. is your performance at Coachella yesterday and the Sunday before.

I have been spying on you periodically over at YouTube as I continue to chronicle the end of the world. But there is just so much chronicling that needs to be done.

I am not able to flirt with you nearly as much as I would like. This is why I want to make my flirts count .. in a real and meaningful way .. that will continue to be felt long after I return to the chronicling the end of the world.

But everything I have seen from you and your music and your live performances .. just keeps getting better and more impressive and more inspiring and even more challenging ..

If it doesnt challenge you, it doesnt change you (at t=3:36)

.. which I did not think possible.

But these Coachella performances .. and especially last night's performance .. where you were really feeling yourself.. oozing an easy confidence and a showcasing your remarkable vocal artistry.

» I Froze My Ass Off Because I Did Not Want to Miss Even Two Secs

During the first performance, I was watching live with the window cracked open .. and it started getting cold in the room.

And the window is only a few quick steps away .. no problemo. But I didnt want miss even a few secs worth. I was very much impressed. I mean, how could anybody not?

So I was watching while chilly there for some while .. with my attention fixed on you with special filters .. designed and created ad hoc over the course of many years .. for girls such as yourself. Very much for women with your sort of thing(s).

My specially designed optic sensors .. can you sometimes feel their erotic wave-length impinging upon you? (.. in your most private and secret and intimate of places)?

I continually upgrade and revise and adapt to the rapid advancement of technology(ies) with the passing of the years and the arrival of a new millennium .. which has been very much about » communication.

Here I feel intuitively that a person would want to develop and refine and expand their skills in the area of » communications and the experiencing the act of communicating in ever more and better ways .. and communicating more exquisite things.

Anyway .. I eventually ran and shut the window. Brrr. Where did I put that heating pad?

I was also feeling emotional during the first show.

The antidepressants tend to level you out .. making the lows less low, and the highs less-high .. which I am totally fine with .. especially during this latest round of life trying its best to mindfuck me into the pavement.

So if I happen to be feeling emotional on antidepressants .. then something is getting to me beyond the ordinary. And I thought, "Wow .. this girl can get to me even on antidepressants. Respect."

» "Coachella, You Might Wanna Look Around for Something Sturdy to Grab Hold Of"

Speaking of respect .. I saw the way that you called out "Coachella," .. right before you did that super kick-ass whistle-note that you do in God is a Woman.

Ariana vocal showcase Coachella 2019 Night One (14 April 2019)

That thing you do there.. that fucks people up. It blows their minds. They forget their names.

There is a whole video somewhere of nothing but reactions of viewer losing their minds when you do that whistle note.

» Kicking Down the Barn Door

And right before the whistle note, you skip the lyrics there and instead come with an improvised "Flourishing." which I have never heard you do like that before.

The fans immediately sense the switch that stuns them and leaves them more vulnerable to the whistle note .. because they are still reeling from the 'flourishing' that disabled temporarily their minds and therefore their views of reality.

Did you decide ahead-of-time to do that 'flourishing' ad lib? Or did you just do it in the moment?

There is definitely more easy confidence and a greater sense of authority in your voice. Very fucking attractive, I must say. Not far from irresistible if you really must know.

This Flourishing-Coachella thing that you did here .. this has a very ballsy feel to it. And easy understated ballsy confidence lying just beneath the surface.

This is why it feels like you are kicking down the barn door .. both here in the moment, and also at Coachella in general.

Who would not be proud to be able to throw a show like that for her fans?

I would imagine that you mustve later felt a profound surge of contentment flow through you and bring a sense of satisfaction that permeated even the furthest reaches of your soul.

No? This is some serioius ass-kicking here at Coachella .. on a whole 'nuther level.

» Making My 'Nads Shrivel when I Realized the Level of Your Game

And then I heard people talking about you, and comparing your accomplishments with some se.lect groups of artists, of musicians.

The Beatles arrive at JFK in NYC (7 Feb 1964)

And I could feel my 'nads shrivel up a bit.

And you know that my 'nads rarely shrivel. People might say some nasty shit about me .. but they never say that I dont have a healthy ego.

I dont want to post the associated headline graphics here .. because that will only make my 'nads shrivel even more.

Ariana youngest ever (25) to headline Coachella (2019)

There is definitely an intimidating aspect to such things .. of being the youngest-ever this, and the biggest-ever that .. in the sense of history and the evolution of the culture (.. which has actually been devolving lately).

Even if you arent into external things .. such muscular artistic appeal .. without having to sell your soul .. this is being both muscular and powerful. Who could not be interested in the inner-workings of such a creature?

» When Her Game Rises to a 'Nad-Shriveling Level that is Downright Historic

They will be writing books about you that will last beyond your lifetime. Can you feel the sense of immortality tickling your artistic ovaries?

Ariana holds top 3 positions on Billboard Hot 100 like the Beatles did back in '64 (19 Feb 2019)

(I bet you can.)

» The Erotic Allure of a Powerful, Dominant Woman

And for people who might be attracted to such types .. and perhaps even people who are attracted to such things so strongly that they feel like they simply can't resist the sparkling, erotic allure ..

.. uh, I can see that there is no way that I am going to finish this sentence. Not a chance, girly .. not a chance.

When I saw that you had taken the top three slots on the Billboard Hot 100, a voice in the back of my head said, "This is obviously a kick-ass boss-chick who desires to dominate."

Why do powerful, dominant women have such an effect on me? There is definitely an erotic aspect to it.

» Can't be Easy

That can't be easy .. doing what you do. I dont care how strong somebody might be. And this is not even counting the back-to-back mind-fucking tragedies, or the dissolving of the engagement.

It's like life was saying to you, "And have a nice day." .. right after it kicks you in the teeth a few times.

While I was watching you sing, I caught myself trying to wrap my head around you. And this thing .. this creative thing .. that has never before existed. And try-n-figure shit out.

» So Easy is the Slide from Genuine Appreciation for the Art to Undeniable Attraction for the Artist

While I was there trying to figure out things surrounding you .. I caught myself wondering about the distance between genuine appreciation and undeniable attraction.

Would you like to know more about what kinds of things I was pondering there in this place? while I was pondering how a person happens to get from point-A to point-B.

Do you remember point-A? It feels like a million years ago, no?

After pondering this thing for some time, I came to the conclusion that this distance is not very far.

Sometimes you might begin to get to know someone .. because you have some similar interests which give birth to a genuine mutual appreciation and admiration.

But as you probe more deeply and you discover that you really do very much admire and respect this creature's essential being.

This is why the distance between between genuine appreciation and undeniable attraction is not very far.

What happens when a genuine curiosity about, and respect for, the inner-workings of the soul-behind-the-dazzle .. what happens when this becomes a mutually-engaging and perfectly-balanced .. synchronized by way of the quantum-level communications systems that are still available to you .. if, that is, you still have a soul .. and have not been infected by the deadly soul-sucking plague that seems to have infected our government?

What happen to people's souls when they get to Washington? What is it there that sucks the souls out of people?

» I am Georgetown-Savvy

I hung out many-a-weekend in Georgetown (with the willowy educated cultured Welsh fashion girl from York, who my mom went crazy over). And why would anybody ever want to go into Washington when you are already in Georgetown?

We would stay at a nice place about 10 or 15 mins away and cab over to the intersection of M and Wisconsin. She knew her way around Georgetown .. from her college days. She showed me the ropes there.

There is a wonderful, lively, youthful energy in Georgetown.

I have heard it said that Georgetown has one of, if not thee highest ratios of women-to-men. Lots of professional women among not-enough men.

You might suspect that people who are attracted to the elements of power and influence .. would naturally wind up in Georgetown as the sun begins to set on a Friday night there.

Those were the days back when my dick was hard pretty much all the time. I would pole-vault out of bed ever morning and say. "Let's get this party started."

I remember feeling outstandingly-outstanding at about pretty much everything about life in general. Life was clicking remarkably well and everybody seemed to enjoy the sound .. that clicking sound.

[ Ariana knows what I am talking. She was saying, "You go ahead and kick some more ass and try to impress me again. I really like when you give it your all and try to impress me. I'm just going to lay here a little longer and linger in this thing that you left for me. How do you do that? I actually feel like new woman."

I said, "Okay .. catch you later. No rest for superheros out to save the world from itself .. you know how it is.You probably know this better than anybody."

She said, "No good deed goes unpunished, Skywalker. So try not to get into too much trouble. You get in more trouble than anybody I know. I am going to have a special treat waiting for you tonight when you get home .. and dont forget to say hi to Asoka for me." ]

But the thing that really got my attention at last night was how the deepest parts of your soul seemed to emanate from your art. From your evocative vocal poetry. 

» The Strongest Man You've Ever Met

I remember thinking, while watching one of your songs, "This girl has gone to the next level. She never stops challenging me to grow and develop and improve. I can see that I will need to up my game yet again. This girl has never seen anything the likes of me before. I have had elite-level, mind-fucking psycho-ninja warrior-chicks tell me that I am the strongest man they have ever met. I learned a lot of tricks from these weapons-grade, psycho-erotic warrior-chicks. I might have to go ahead and blow her mind if she keeps provoking me like this."

How can you not love somebody who does something like this for you. To you. With you. On you. At you.

At one point I was sitting there, watching one of your songs .. and my mouth was just hanging open. You are just amazing. I am so proud of you. I mean how can anybody not be?

I very much enjoyed the way you constructed your series of songs. This makes a difference ... because of the way one song, and the evocative aspects of that song, will lead into another.

And this in also an impressive set-list. There is much ass-kicking going on there with your impressive concert set-list.

And you have enough albums now that you can go back several generations worth. That must feel particularly nice. The depth. The reserves. The songs. The feelings behind the songs. The memories behind the songs .. both good and sad.

Because the ability to summon songs from days-past speaks. It says things like, "I have been at this game a while. I am no rookie here. This aint my first rodeo. No, sirree. Let me show you what I mean."

It is more subtle than that .. but the message is always there. I was impressed by the depth of your set-list.

I like everything about you. (That's a good trick.)

It was not long ago when I was wondering. "How does somebody get out of bed in the morning after something like that?"

And I think that the first thing I will be discussing .. is the way you feature the graphic planetary alignments.on the screens behind you.

» Sometimes I Seem to have a Blindspot to Otherwise Obvious Things

You know .. most of the time, I am very observant. But there are times when I feel like a have a blindspot [ know thyself ] .. and I simply cannot see things that seem so obvious to others.

I used to go to lots of movies with the Film School girl. She would sometimes lean over and whisper something that she had recognized in the film .. some telling aspect of the plot, perhaps.

And she would say things like, "Watch how they're going to do thus-n-such."

I would be sitting there thinking, "How are they ever going to get there from here. .. and why would anybody want to do that anyway?"

See .. she had said these kinds of things before .. a number of times .. where she was right with her plot insights.

So I tried to see how such a thing could be, and what clues could she have seen to possibly suggested such a thing.

But I never could. It is hard not to respect somebody that can glean insights into things. She didnt want to know anything about the film that we were going to see.

She would stick her fingers in her ears and say, "I can't hear you and I dont want to hear anything about the movie."

She also did not like that some trailers were so 'good' that you "didnt even have to go see the movie."

She held strong opinions on certain things. I would challenge her on stuff that sound like some Lagunatic New Age psycho-babble.

She rarely got offended by my persistent and extendedly probing questions .. trying to see into her mind-set and perspective .. and how she could see these things that I could not.

» Secure Women are Not Offended by a Sustained Mindset Inquiry

The more insecure a girl is .. the more easily they are to be offended by intellectual dialectic. Iron sharpens iron.

You cannot sharpen your iron with a partner feels like she always need to be right .. and who sees a game of intellectual tennis as a deathmatch.

I was talking to my shrink last week .. and we were discussing that idea that you may remind someone of someone else .. who they already know .. but who they do not care for very much.

Perhaps they might even feel as tho this nasty fucker trick-fucked them before fucking them over.

I am exaggerating .. but you know what I am saying. I am saying that the response to any given action will naturally tend to elicit an oversized response ..

.. because of them 'projecting' this familiar pattern-structure of somebody who reminds some person of somebody they don't care for very much.

You can talk about any crazy shit at all with a shrink. I mean, that is kind of the point of therapy.

Sometimes they will employ their trained intuitions and practiced skill-craft in order to probe somewhere that gets you going, that gets you fired up.

And I will say to him, "This shit gets me fired up."

It is like having a crazy person in charge of life .. and there is a long line of people, both professional and personal .. and they are fighting amongst themselves .. over who gets first crack at you ..

.. because there is not likely to be anything left of you after the first few go-rounds .. where they are bending you over and giving it to you with gusto-n-glee.

I could continue down this path for quite some ways .. but you feel me.

It is not supposed to be war. If the relationship is not mutually-beneficial, and there seems to be little hope at any kind of satisfactory resolution .. then, what is the point of this relationship?

The elimination of a negative value resolves to an equal amount in the opposite direction. Or so says the mathematics of algebra. (I kick much ass in math, and in algegra in particular.

When the Film school girl would lean over and whisper these insights to me .. about telling movie clues that she recognized, I didnt say anything .. but I would often think, "I do not see what she is talking about."

But fuck if the story didnt play out exactly the way she said it would.

Later, I would ask her how she knew that this thing was going to happen. But even her explanations never made sense to me.

The effect here .. was that I felt that, although I am obviously observant in some areas .. there were clearly other areas where I obviously could not see what was obvious to others. (Female others.)

» No Longer a Secret (as of Today)

I am seeing things that are telling me this thing is no longer a secret.

You must admit that I have been doing a pretty good job at keeping this thing a secret .. despite you hanging out with the Beatles at JFK and whatnot.

This is where I usually start to play dumb .. like I dont know what people are talking about. You need to learn to develop and perect the bewildered look .. that says, "What are you talking about?"

I like that you are good at being in the middle of large crowds. You make it look so easy and natural and enjoyable and fun.

Because when word of you gets out .. that can sometimes represent the beginning of the end.

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This page contains a single entry by Rad published on April 22, 2019 4:22 PM.

Filling it Up and Sending it Back to Ariya was the previous entry in this blog.

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